New Year

The first day of the year possibly warrants a blog post. It's going to get one whether it's actually warranted or not.

I have never been one to make New Year's resolutions. I have never been good at goal setting and feel I will just disappoint myself when (not if, but when) I don't meet my goals. Maybe this is my depressive personality, maybe it's a pessimistic personality. Maybe it's a realistic personality. I've never been able to really work that one out, and I don't really care what it is. It just is.

So I'm wondering today whether my avoidance of New Year's Hope and Resolutions suggests I'm a Fatalist? There's no point in setting goals or plans because experience has taught me that Life happens whether we plan it or not, that when things happen completely out of left field we have to adjust everything to continue with life. And what of our plans then?

I remember hearing that Life is what happens while we are busy making plans.

So why not short-circuit the process and just Live Life? Save all that time making plans, setting goals and then having to adjust them when other things happen.

I am being a bit tongue-in-cheek. I do have some flimsy plans for the year, some vague idealisation of what I hope the year brings and what I hope to achieve and experience.

"Good riddance to 2013, Hello and welcome to a big sexy 2014"

Surely you don't want to say good riddance to ALL of 2013 though. Even in my most annus horribilis's I have had good things to remember as well. Don't throw out the baby with the bath water.

Difficult times during a year would be great to erase. However, I wouldn't be the person I am today without the crappy times and experiences I've had. So to erase those things would be to erase part of who I am. Why would I want to do that!?

2014 might look bold and bright and sexy today. But so did 2013 on the 1st January 2013...... So do we set ourselves up for disappointment to hold such high expectations for a new year? Should we perhaps only allow ourselves to remember nice, positive, heart warming memories from each year? Should we expect and look forward to the struggles of the new year so that we can be even bigger, better versions of ourselves at the end of 2014?

I have settled in a head space of accepting what has been, and accepting what will come. Today carries the same hopes, disappointments and challenges as yesterday, and tomorrow, and next month, and next January 1. Why put so much pressure on one day of the year?

Enjoy the public holiday.

Love the people around you.

Move away from the people who don't nurture your journey, if that's what you need to do.

Face the sunshine, but appreciate the shade. Life is full of both.

A new blog?

I'm thinking about writing a new blog. Maybe more than one, that will each be more focused on a specific topic.

This blog was started to help me deal with the breakdown of my marriage, and to keep others up to date with where I was at. It was a great tool for me and a great therapy. But it's time has come I think.

I was mentioning to M the other day that I have some deep thinking moments when I am sitting on the toilet. That led to me thinking that maybe I should blog those moments....and has led to a string of ridiculous and funny names for a blog that is created from that moment:

The Bog Blog

The Flush Flash

Who Gives a Shit

We'll no doubt think of some more, while I consider what topics I want to blog about.

AusStereo

This is going to be a big, fat, personal, opinionated rant! Read at your own peril. But please don't bitch at me about my opinion. I'm writing my opinion. I don't need your approval, and I don't want your disapproval.

I am disgusted by the actions of AusStereo and the DJ's.

But my disgust didn't just start this week. It's been building for a while.

Remember the young footballer who died in Las Vegas? I think his name was John McCartney. TripleM here in Adelaide publicised his name before his family was even advised of his tragic death. That was just careless, selfish publicity-seeking behaviour.

And now, all this ridiculous behaviour regarding Princess Kate's pregnancy. Seriously, when are our radio station 'personalities' going to grow up! What was to be gained by managing to speak to hospital staff about Kate's situation? Make themselves feel good? Provide a few laughs? I don't actually really see how it was funny anyway.

For quite a while now I've been steering clear of radio station breakfast shows that subscribe to prank-calls-equals-great-ratings. They are ridiculous and I always feel very uncomfortable listening to them. Most of them seem to just go way beyond what is actually funny, and when the prankee gets upset, agitated or really worried, they don't stop they just keep going. It becomes something that is actually cruel. It's tormenting. We mostly recognise that tormenting animals is not ok. So why is it ok to do it to people, especially publicly?!

Now that the news channels are talking about the radio station having pre-recorded the prank call to England, and management having approved it for airing it just seems even more macabre. I understand that at that point in time they could not have anticipated one of those nurses taking her own life. It does seem a very extreme reaction to the call. But this is the problem. We usually have no idea of what goes on in other people's lives. And to play with their feelings, jobs and self-esteem for the sake of entertainment and ratings is just sick.

AusStereo really are the ones who need to take responsibility for this mess. The DJ's are doing their job yes, but what a stupid idea they had in the first place. As a pair of human beings it really is time they grew up a little and stopped playing school-yard games. Become a contributing member of society. Maybe even give something back to all the people who listen to your crap every day.

AusStereo deserves the bogan-laden ignoramuses of their demographic. But I seriously hope that anyone with more than 2 brain cells will no longer listen to the crap they sprout.

It is my opinion that it is because of pin-headed ignorant dicks like the management at AusStereo that we need to have censorship in Australia. Some people just don't have the ability to censor without external help. Even worse when an organisation/corporation isn't able to censor appropriately.

What a disgrace. This whole thing makes me embarrassed to be an Australian.

(and by the way, I don't think the hate campaign against the DJ's is appropriate at all. It is just as petty, childish and hurtful as what they did in the first place.)

Finishing what we started

Recently I've had discussions with my two favourite single mums in the world and we all seem to share very similar feelings and thoughts about our journeys, even though each of our journeys has been extremely different.
As one of my faves said just yesterday, it's like we (as a married couple) started a journey, then he left (or was asked to leave because of his actions) and we, the wives, are left to finish that journey on our own.
This resonated so deeply with me! I do feel like I'm finishing off what D and I started together. And it's difficult to do that on my own when it was a joint vision that started it. Regardless of why D isn't here with me, we both prepared for parenthood, we both discussed and set goals for our children, we both made plans for our chilren. And whilst I do consult him when it's reasonable, I am making a lot of decision by myself because often those decisions need to be made on the run.
An example is Madame I telling me a year or so ago that she wanted to determine which high school she went to. I responded that it's not just up to her. There are lots of things to consider such as how will she get there? How much will it cost for fees and other costs and can I (or Dad and I) afford it? What learning benefits are there for her and what risks are there for her with the issues she's had in primary school being perpetuated because of the style of school?
And besides which, I personally don't feel comfortable with my 11 year old telling me what she is going to do.....I think it's something we should discuss, but ultimately I (and her Dad, if I let him) will make the decision about her high schooling.
A long time ago D and I made a decision that he would go to University and get his teaching degree to give him better opportunities for work. Madame I was born soon after he started Uni and Princess S was born while he was still studying. We sold our home because we couldn't afford to pay the overheads and his tuition fees as well. We went into rental homes and both of us are still in rentals today. I stayed out of the workforce until he had finished studying because we would be worse off financially if I got a job.
Then I wanted to start studying. By this time I was working three days a week and our marriage wasn't in a very good place. D was withdrawn from the majority of our family life so I was the main carer (dare I say the only carer for about 95% of the time) of our children. I had to try and fit studying in around everything else. However, when he had studied, he had the luxury of being a full time student, of having me caring for the children 100% of the time and making sure they didn't interrupt his study. But when I wanted to study I had to fit it in around everything else. He would 'watch the children' for me, but in reality that meant him watching tv in the front room, me studying in the back room and the girls playing in the back yard where I could see and hear everything they were doing, and he could see and hear nothing.
Another area where we women seem to get totally shafted after a marriage breakdown. We sacrificed for our husbands to study and establish their careers, we postponed our own plans for study or career advancement, and now we're in a position where we can't study full time, or even part time, because our only work options are to be part time and scrimp by on a minimal income, or work full time for the extra money but have to spend a large portion of it in after school and holiday child care.
I don't have the same earning potential that D has. That is an absoloute fact. I will never be able to build my superannuation to a level similar to his. Even when the girls are older and both in high school, if one of them is sick it will still fall to me in the first instance to care for them and take time off work, not him.
I don't have the same social life potential that D has. I have the girls with me 12 nights out of 14. If I can't organise my social outings to be on those 2 nights that he has them, I have to try and find a babysitter. I have asked him a few times and altough I know he 'helps out when he can', the reality is he and his partner have a very active social life and often are not available on weekends to look after the girls. This does really annoy me. Especially at times like this last weekend where I just wanted a simple dinner with some friends I hadn't seen in a while. D only looks after them when it fits in with his schedule. So I can only have a social life when it fits in with his schedule. Except that this weekend my two single super mums came through and each took one of my girls. It was so good, I had a great time at the dinner and the girls each had a great time with their friends. But it annoys me that D doesn't get that it's his responsibility to look after  his children. He never did get that, so it's just ridiculous for me to expect it now, but I still do.....
Another issue came up in our discussions on the weekend that is bothering me. One of my friends has done a great job of applying herself to work and earning a decent income for her and her children whilst her husband 'isn't able to get much work'. Typically the suspicion is that he is doing cash work and not claiming it so he doesn't have to support his children. The twist comes in that because she's earning a normal wage and he isn't, and he has their children for 5 nights a fortnight, she now has to pay him child support!!!!! Farrrrrrr out! When I look at our situation I can see that could easily happen to us as well. Even though D is only still at 2 nights a fortnight and my income is about half what my friends is, I know that D isn't working much at all so doesn't have much income. If we get to the point that I have to pay him child support, I might do some serious harm to someone.
You try and do the best by your children and allow them to see their dad as often as they want, even though he is a moronic, self centred, cheating, lying piece of crap, and then you have to pay for the privilege....... now that is a system that really sucks the goodness out of the divorced world.
I have lots of things to be thankful for in my particular situation with D. The sense of good will on both sides is rare and appreciated. But there are still a lot of things about being a single parent, and in particular about being his ex wife, that actually really suck.

My annual post!

It's been so long since I've posted in my blog, I couldn't even remember when the last one was or what it was about. When I arrived here today I see that it was EXACTLY 12 months ago! How weird is that?!
My contemplations recently have been about grief. All different sorts of grief. The grief of my marriage breakdown. The grief of the anniversary of my cousin's death (more so the grief of his immediate family). The grief another friend has over the death of her brother a year ago.The grief I feel over the future I won't have because of someone else's choices.
As I posted on facebook a few days ago "Grief is a funny old companion. You think you've gotten used to its presence in your life, mostly in the background. Then out of nowhere it just jumps in the foreground, waving its arms around demanding attention. And then it's gone again."
I've had a few comments on it, and a private message or two. It seems to have resonated with a few people. I think I'd had an idea of grief being something you 'did'. You go through the process, and you come out the other end. You tick off the steps, the stages....anger, denial, bargaining, etc. Everyone processes the steps in different order. And then you're out the other side of it. You're done. You're 'over it'. You're healed.
How naive I am! I have lived with grief for most of my life. I've NEVER felt like I was healed of it. I've NEVER felt like it wasn't present in my life. I have wondered if it is possible for me to be free of grief.
My glass-half-empty, who-really-gives-a-shit-about-the-glass side thinks that grief will always be a presence in my life. Most of the time it is very much in the background, and there are long periods of time when I don't think about it, but it is always there.
My glass-half-full side believes that one day I will feel that grief is not a dominant aspect of my life. I guess in a way that's true now - it isn't dominant. But I do feel it makes me so much of who I am. I have empathy with lots of people, because so many different life events cause grief. And grief is grief.
I've been seeing a counsellor and she specialises in this stuff. She suggested that it's 'normal' to take about 4 years to move on from a deep grief. SHIT!!! That's a long long time! Maybe she's right though. It's coming up to 4 years since D and I split up. Maybe I'm feeling a bit of a shift in my emotions and thinking.
I've grown a lot in the last 12 months. I've mucked around a lot with the man-in-my-life thing. I had a really funny conversation with a friend at the beach one day that kind of sums up my experiences and my perspective on men and sex. Analogies work pretty well for me, so here goes (apologies in advance to my mum who will probably read this - no doubt this is way too much information from your daughter, but there you go lololol:
Masturbation is like Chinese food. It's absoloutely fantastic at the time, but 5 minutes later you realise you're still 'hungry'
Casual sex is like Jasmine rice. It has a gorgeous fragrance and tastes brilliant. BUT it has a really high GI (glycemic index) so isn't good for your long term health at all. And again, after a while you're just hungry again.
Friends with benefits is like Basmati rice. It smells great, tastes great and is low GI. Much better for your health. But it's still rice.
But, what I really want isn't rice based at all. What I really want is Steak and veggies. High protein, full of flavour, healthy, and I could just eat it quite literally every day. A man who is healthy for me to be around every day. A man who wants to be around me every day (well, almost every day).
The problem is, steak is pretty expensive, it's hard to find really really good steak and it's so easy to overcook it. Then it's just not nice at all.
Men. Are. Just. Hard. Work.
I have come to realise I just don't have the physical time, or the emotional energy, to put into building a proper relationship with someone. And then I feel really lonely. And then I get angry at D because it's his fault I'm sitting here on my own while my kids enjoy a weekend with him and his partner (who I really like, by the way). When my shoulders were excrutiatingly sore earlier this week, my neck was so tense my physio was shaking his head in sympathy, I was angry at D because it's his fault that he's not here any more to massage the sore spots. It's his fault I'm single parenting with a 12 year old daughter with Asperger's Syndrome who has had a terribly shitty time the last few weeks (apart from the news this week that she got into a fantastic school on her own merits). I'm wrung out. I feel really empty. But the girls still need more from me. And where am I supposed to find the 'more' from? I would like to run away for a while and have someone take care of me. But then I might not want to come back lol.
D and I get along really well 95% of the time. He's grown, he's become a great dad and as far as ex-husbands go, he's actually pretty good. I like his partner a lot. As a family unit of 5 people we are doing really well. But I still have times when that grief just rocks me and it's like it all just happened yesterday. I lose my breath again and feel like my chest is caving in. There's a big gaping hole where my heart used to be. The remnants of my heart are still stuck to the bottom of D's shoes. I wonder if I will EVER feel like I have my heart back.
This isn't about taking back my power and being the awesome woman you all acknowledge I am (see, I still have my sense of humour!). It's just about having a heart so badly broken, me feeling so completely broken, that I sometimes still feel I'll never be 'normal' again.
And that, my friends, is all about grief.

Happiness

I've been involved in a several discussions recently about anti-depressants.

I have been taking them since the birth of Princess S (apart from a break of about a year during which time I realised I'll probably need them for the rest of my life, and I'm not comfortable with that). *sorry, I've just re-read this and it should read "I'm comfortable with that - if I have to take tablets for the rest of my life to help me be nice then that's ok with me".

Different people ask 'which ones do you take?', 'what do you think about long term use?' etc.

It has got me thinking about the depressive times I've had and which anti-depressants I felt were more helpful at the time. I've had 3 different brands at 3 different times of my life.

I won't bore you with the detail - most of you would know anyway! But in contemplating this today during the most restful, peaceful, nurturing day I think I've ever had, I realise that I am now happy. Truly happy.

I laugh. A lot. I make jokes that are (usually) appropriate. I am enjoying the relationships I have with my daughters, my best friend and my sister/best friend. I enjoy my job and in nearly 18months have had only perhaps 1 day when I really didn't feel like going to work - and that was this week because I've just been feeling so worn out.

I feel more confident in myself than I think I ever have. I'm comfortable with disagreeing with other people and not worrying that they won't like me because I disagree with them.

I still feel a bit icky in the romance/self esteem stakes, but I can live with that.

I am very thankful for who I am now, and where I'm at in life. I'm thankful for a mysterious faith that keeps me going, for a loving God who will never leave me or forsake me, for beautiful children who really do bless me (had to happen eventually!), for a loving and supportive family of origin, and for the best friend anyone could hope for. I also have great friends in my church, and love the girl's home group I'm leading and learning with.

I do feel very blessed tonight. Isn't it amazing what a day of rest can do for one's soul!

Suits and humour

My sister PE is down from the country for work and staying at a very nice hotel in the city. This evening we went to her hotel to say hi. She had the most beautiful view from the 19th floor of the Stamford Plaza, looking over Parliament House, the Railway Station and Adelaide Oval.
In the lift on the way back down a man got in who was wearing a suit and I must say he looked very very handsome. He was quite tall and stood in front of the digital screen which showed which floor the lift was at.
Madame I made a comment that she couldn't see the screen so he made a funny comment and actually squatted down so she could see it. It was quite a funny moment. Generally when you get in a lift no-one speaks, and everyone tries to pretend that no-one else is there.
After we left the hotel I remarked to the girls "that man in the lift was very handsome, wasn't he?". Madame I replies "yes, and he had a very good sense of humour, which is very important in a man". What a complete and total crack up! I think she will be part of the screening process if I ever have the opportunity to have a boyfriend again :-)
We then started a conversation about men wearing suits. I started it (admittedly) by saying that a suit just does something to a man, and even a fairly unattractive guy looks really handsome in a suit.
I've been teasing (very gently) Madame I about a young man she knows who is just the loveliest young guy and she gets on reasonably well with him. His mum is just one of the nicest women I know and his sister is a friend of Madame I's. I told her the other day that 'M' would be a great husband - you'd have a great sister-in-law and mother-in-law (I don't really know the dad, but he seems very nice).
Tonight when we were talking about men in suits she immediately bursts out with "well, if M was in a suit I'd sure want to marry him". She is just so funny sometimes. I laughed so loud I think I could have been heard miles away.
She's going to turn 11 in 2 months and she is just growing into a lovely young lady/girl. Her sense of humour is finally developing (along with other parts of her anatomy!) and we do have some real fun at times.
So, it seems we will both end up (hopefully) with men who have a great sense of humour and wear suits a lot! :-)