Well, now I'm 40. I don't feel any different really (not surprisingly).
D sent me some flowers on my birthday. He had written on the card himself, saying "I miss you and I love you".
So, that was interesting! How is one supposed to react to something like that, when the girls are here with me? They seemed quite happy that Dad had sent me flowers. I actually asked Madame I if she thought it was appropriate for him to do that, and her reply was "Well he still really loves you". Hmmm..... she also commented that he'd sent my favourite flowers, gerberas.
I wanted to throw the flowers in the bin immediately after I read the card, but I thought that would probably confuse the girls a bit. But I didn't feel I could just accept them and have D think that they meant anything to me.
So I sat on it for a couple of days and on Monday (the third day after my birthday) I sent him an email saying that whilst I appreciate the sentiment in sending them, it was just not appropriate and in particular wasn't appropriate to be stating that he misses me and loves me.
He sent one back going to town about it....if he hadn't done anything I would have been upset, and if he did something I'd be upset and he wanted to let me know how he feels. Some of what he wrote follows...
just as you have the right to let me know exactly how you feel, it’s neither fair I feel to demand that I instantly switch off my feelings and emotions after 10 years of marriage.
this is me standing up for myself even in a small way and being honest... saying this is how I feel and I’m not going to deny it... But just as you have to deal with stuff in your way, then I need to be allowed to do the same, and we both have to live with the consequences of decisions etc made by both of us
I've now come to the conclusion that he doesn't have any clue at all of what are socially acceptable ways of dealing with anything. Apparently (as has always been the case with him) it doesn't matter if I'm going to be hurt by something, what is important is that he is able to say what he wants cos that's what he needs to do.
I seriously wonder how on earth I married this guy....but then again, he wasn't like this when I married him. For a while I've been a bit worried that he was like this and I just didn't see it, but my dear sister TE told me the other day that he did change in the last few years so that's a relief.
I just cannot wait until October 22nd when I can file divorce papers.
In the past I would have replied to his email with lots of sarcasm and truth.....but this time I've decided I'm not going to. I'm going to be the bigger person and let it go (once I've ranted and raved about it here first that is!). Last time we did this the emails went back and forth for ages and didn't actually change anything, we just both wrote a lot of fairly hurtful things. As much as I'd like to ring him and abuse him and yell at him, I know that it won't help my journey. So I will let it go. See, it's gone now! lol
I'm thinking that I might go back to my maiden name once the divorce is final. I really don't want to be associated with his surname anymore. The girls will obviously keep his surname and rightly so, they are a part of him but I'm not. Bring on October, that's all I can say.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Birthday celebrations!
This weekend I'm going on a little holiday to celebrate turning 40! We've hired a holiday house at Murray Bridge that is only about 4 years old, 2 storey, sleeps 14, all the mod cons. I'm going with my Mum, all my sisters and some close friends.
A few have had to pull out this week which is very sad - we'll miss you! However, I am so excited about the weekend. We are taking a chocolate fondue fountain, ABBA singstar, lots of dvds and a considerable amount of drinkies (or, as another friend of mine calls it 'oh be joyfoul').
At the end of the weekend on of my sisters (TE) and BFF and me are staying for a few more days, so I don't think I'll want to come back!
It's been a rather interesting time since my last birthday and whilst I never could have imagined how much my life was about to change at my last birthday, I'm now quite happy, settled and looking forward to the future.
Well, I hope the world doesn't miss me too much while I'm gone. I'll have limited internet access (via my mobile phone) while we're gone so I'll see you next week.
A few have had to pull out this week which is very sad - we'll miss you! However, I am so excited about the weekend. We are taking a chocolate fondue fountain, ABBA singstar, lots of dvds and a considerable amount of drinkies (or, as another friend of mine calls it 'oh be joyfoul').
At the end of the weekend on of my sisters (TE) and BFF and me are staying for a few more days, so I don't think I'll want to come back!
It's been a rather interesting time since my last birthday and whilst I never could have imagined how much my life was about to change at my last birthday, I'm now quite happy, settled and looking forward to the future.
Well, I hope the world doesn't miss me too much while I'm gone. I'll have limited internet access (via my mobile phone) while we're gone so I'll see you next week.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Sex and gender
Hi all - I'm still here! I've been away on holiday for a week, and I guess I don't have as much to say as I used to .....surprising, I know.
I've been catching up on my Sociology subject this week (as I discovered I have an online exam to do and hadn't done much reading at all for this subject!). A lot of the subject matter has been about our idea of 'self' and our identity in society. Today the reading's been about sexual identity and gender identity - and are they the same thing or different?
It's been interesting reading, and studying this stuff has certainly helped me to be a bit more broad-minded which I think was actually necessary. The authors of the text book (of course) have the view that gender and sex are very different. It brings about a lot of interesting ponderings I think.
I have typically defined sex by the biological definition - which genitalia do you have? (not to put too fine a point to it!) But now we have in society a new term called gender which is more along the lines of which sex do you identify with for yourself? A person can have male genitalia but identify as a woman (or vice versa). So what makes us male and female? According to my text book we are all conceived female and then at some point in-utero the embryo with the XY configuration gets a testosterone wash and becomes male. But there are lots of variations genetically too. 'Men' can have XXY chromosomes, usually resulting in a very effeminate male. Apparently (and I didn't know this til I read it in the book) in the late 80's the women who were performing well at Olympic field events were tested genetically. They were found to have male chromosomes!
On a personal level this issue of gender identity has been something I've given more thought to since my marriage breakdown. Whilst D is 'male' and presents as 'male/masculine' he obviously has something going on somewhere in his genetics or socialised identity..... The underlying issue is are people born male and female, are they made male and female by society or is it some kind of combination? And what about those who have (for example) male genitalia and identify as male until puberty (or some other time) then feel they actually should have been born a woman?
It's all very interesting, and one thing I am becoming more certain of - I (and we) can't label situations or other people's experiences based on our own (often limited) experiences. The world is made up of a very comlex mix of people. None of us completely fit any mold/stereotype.
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made." Psalm 139:13-14
I've been catching up on my Sociology subject this week (as I discovered I have an online exam to do and hadn't done much reading at all for this subject!). A lot of the subject matter has been about our idea of 'self' and our identity in society. Today the reading's been about sexual identity and gender identity - and are they the same thing or different?
It's been interesting reading, and studying this stuff has certainly helped me to be a bit more broad-minded which I think was actually necessary. The authors of the text book (of course) have the view that gender and sex are very different. It brings about a lot of interesting ponderings I think.
I have typically defined sex by the biological definition - which genitalia do you have? (not to put too fine a point to it!) But now we have in society a new term called gender which is more along the lines of which sex do you identify with for yourself? A person can have male genitalia but identify as a woman (or vice versa). So what makes us male and female? According to my text book we are all conceived female and then at some point in-utero the embryo with the XY configuration gets a testosterone wash and becomes male. But there are lots of variations genetically too. 'Men' can have XXY chromosomes, usually resulting in a very effeminate male. Apparently (and I didn't know this til I read it in the book) in the late 80's the women who were performing well at Olympic field events were tested genetically. They were found to have male chromosomes!
On a personal level this issue of gender identity has been something I've given more thought to since my marriage breakdown. Whilst D is 'male' and presents as 'male/masculine' he obviously has something going on somewhere in his genetics or socialised identity..... The underlying issue is are people born male and female, are they made male and female by society or is it some kind of combination? And what about those who have (for example) male genitalia and identify as male until puberty (or some other time) then feel they actually should have been born a woman?
It's all very interesting, and one thing I am becoming more certain of - I (and we) can't label situations or other people's experiences based on our own (often limited) experiences. The world is made up of a very comlex mix of people. None of us completely fit any mold/stereotype.
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made." Psalm 139:13-14
Saturday, July 4, 2009
'Intellect' and Religion
During my studies at University one theme is becoming very, very obvious.
Religion is considered to be an indulgence of the uneductated.
At present I'm studying units called Social Sciences in Australia and Cultural Perspectives on Science and Technology. In both of these units the concept of religion is discussed a fair bit. In every case it is mentioned as something that is the antithesis of the intellect. If you are an intelligent, educated person there is no room for religion.
This is interesting given that I am a Christian and I am what some would refer to as a Fundamentalist Christian. I dislike this term immensely myself because it conjurs images of people who are almost cult-like in their beliefs, however I use it because it makes sense to a large percentage of the world's population......I guess I'm making an assumption here that there may actually be people reading this who don't know me personally. Who knows, it is afterall the world wide web.
In the subject I'm currently supposed to be writing an essay for (doh! - distracted again) (Cultural Perspectives...) religion is even referred to as a non-cognitive interest. This implies it's an interest the does not make sense in an intellectual sense. Cognition means knowing, perceiving, or conceiving as an act of faculty distinct from emotion and volition. I'll have to ponder this a bit more when I'm not on a deadline with an essay, but I am certain that my faith, and the decisions I make to believe in God as the creator of the universe and mankind is separate from emotion and volition. It is a belief that is based on historical fact.
Anyway, I'll come back to this one day but thought I might just put it 'out there' for now.
Religion is considered to be an indulgence of the uneductated.
At present I'm studying units called Social Sciences in Australia and Cultural Perspectives on Science and Technology. In both of these units the concept of religion is discussed a fair bit. In every case it is mentioned as something that is the antithesis of the intellect. If you are an intelligent, educated person there is no room for religion.
This is interesting given that I am a Christian and I am what some would refer to as a Fundamentalist Christian. I dislike this term immensely myself because it conjurs images of people who are almost cult-like in their beliefs, however I use it because it makes sense to a large percentage of the world's population......I guess I'm making an assumption here that there may actually be people reading this who don't know me personally. Who knows, it is afterall the world wide web.
In the subject I'm currently supposed to be writing an essay for (doh! - distracted again) (Cultural Perspectives...) religion is even referred to as a non-cognitive interest. This implies it's an interest the does not make sense in an intellectual sense. Cognition means knowing, perceiving, or conceiving as an act of faculty distinct from emotion and volition. I'll have to ponder this a bit more when I'm not on a deadline with an essay, but I am certain that my faith, and the decisions I make to believe in God as the creator of the universe and mankind is separate from emotion and volition. It is a belief that is based on historical fact.
Anyway, I'll come back to this one day but thought I might just put it 'out there' for now.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Not a good night
How do I go from being really happy and content, to being in the depths of despair in just 24hours?
Yesterday I had my second to last appointment with the psychologist I've been seeing. I was feeling very stable, and felt I was coping really well with everything.
Then today I start feeling depressed and stressed about my study. There is just such a huge amount of reading to do and I can't speed read so it's just so tedious. Then for one of the subjects I have to post a discussion thread every week, of about 300 words on particular issues. And doing that for 12 weeks is worth 10% of my marks for that subject! It's a huge amount of work for not very much reward. And I have to do a 1500 word essay for that subject that I don't even have time to look at cos it's taking me so long to do the reading and discussion thread each week!
Then tonight the girls went ballistic in the bathroom (as they do) even though I warned them to behave. One of them broke the shower alcove door and neither of them will own up to who did it. They both say the other one did it. I'm pretty sure Princess S did it. Madame I was extremely distressed that I didn't believe her that she didn't do it. Princess S just says I didn't do it, it was Madame I. So what am I supposed to do?! In all the yelling and blaming and me being upset, Madame I even said 'bloody' as a swear word. Now I feel like I'm the worst mother in the world. What sort of mother am I that my children can't even be honest with me?
Now, I am very aware that I have a sensitivity to lying, given the huge lie that my husband lived for 10 years of marriage to me. I understand that it has some bearing on this. But I just cannot tolerate being lied to. It's just the worst thing that you could do to me. Why does a 6 year old feel the need to lie? And why does she think it's ok? I keep saying in my head "she's just like her bloody father" and I know that's not fair. I feel so helpless, powerless. How do I get her to tell me the truth? How do I prevent things escalating so quickly to the point where no-one is going to be honest?!
So now I feel like it's all just too much. Maybe I should stop studying and just get a job cos that's easier. I feel like a failure and I don't know how I'm going to pass these units when I just struggle so much with understanding the material, and getting through all the reading.
I don't want to be a failure, but surely life needs to be a bit easier doesn't it?
I just don't know what to do.
I'm hoping that it will all look a bit brighter tomorrow.
Yesterday I had my second to last appointment with the psychologist I've been seeing. I was feeling very stable, and felt I was coping really well with everything.
Then today I start feeling depressed and stressed about my study. There is just such a huge amount of reading to do and I can't speed read so it's just so tedious. Then for one of the subjects I have to post a discussion thread every week, of about 300 words on particular issues. And doing that for 12 weeks is worth 10% of my marks for that subject! It's a huge amount of work for not very much reward. And I have to do a 1500 word essay for that subject that I don't even have time to look at cos it's taking me so long to do the reading and discussion thread each week!
Then tonight the girls went ballistic in the bathroom (as they do) even though I warned them to behave. One of them broke the shower alcove door and neither of them will own up to who did it. They both say the other one did it. I'm pretty sure Princess S did it. Madame I was extremely distressed that I didn't believe her that she didn't do it. Princess S just says I didn't do it, it was Madame I. So what am I supposed to do?! In all the yelling and blaming and me being upset, Madame I even said 'bloody' as a swear word. Now I feel like I'm the worst mother in the world. What sort of mother am I that my children can't even be honest with me?
Now, I am very aware that I have a sensitivity to lying, given the huge lie that my husband lived for 10 years of marriage to me. I understand that it has some bearing on this. But I just cannot tolerate being lied to. It's just the worst thing that you could do to me. Why does a 6 year old feel the need to lie? And why does she think it's ok? I keep saying in my head "she's just like her bloody father" and I know that's not fair. I feel so helpless, powerless. How do I get her to tell me the truth? How do I prevent things escalating so quickly to the point where no-one is going to be honest?!
So now I feel like it's all just too much. Maybe I should stop studying and just get a job cos that's easier. I feel like a failure and I don't know how I'm going to pass these units when I just struggle so much with understanding the material, and getting through all the reading.
I don't want to be a failure, but surely life needs to be a bit easier doesn't it?
I just don't know what to do.
I'm hoping that it will all look a bit brighter tomorrow.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Odd advice from a paediatrician
Tonight Princess S had an appointment with her paediatrician. She has been on losec since she was about 10 weeks old, and has had a trial of 5 weeks off it. We're all very happy that she's fine and doesn't appear to have the chronic reflux issues that she's had most of her young life. She also hasn't had asthma for about a year so that is also fantastic. So, for the time being at least, we don't need to see Dr P anymore. This is great news. We've been to see him at least every 6 months since Princess S was 14 weeks old (we switched from another paediatrician at this point). Dr P is a wonderful doctor - the type who believes that Mums should be listened to as they know their child better than anyone, the type of doctor who always refers to little girls (even babies) as women. He's also pretty cute for an (oldish) guy! Everyone who's ever taken their kids to him agrees - well, at least the women, anyway!
Last time we saw him was about a month after D and I separated. He gave me a mini lecture about getting back into the 'scene' and that I was still so young I should not stay single for too long, I still have a lot to offer someone..... This was all a bit odd, embarrassing/uncomfortable coming from my daughter's doctor.
So tonight he wanted to know how things are going. He asked if I had a boyfriend and I said no and he asked if I was having casual sex?!!! What?!?! This is my daughter's doctor! I told him that as much as I would like that, I'm a Christian and I don't believe casual sex is a great idea for me. He said, "well, it can be ok can't it in a committed relationship? like committed for a few hours"!!!! OMG! he's such a crack up. I think he actually was reasonably serious.
I'm sad to know that we won't go back to see him. He's such a lovely doctor. Thanks Dr P for being so great and helping us through some pretty tough times.
ps I told him my BFF (I've changed this from BF cos it seemed to suggest boyfriend, instead of best friend...) had a son 21 years ago and he was the paediatrician and my friend told him to leave cos he was too good looking! He actually blushed a bit and said 'yeah, that's happened a couple of times!' How funny is he.
I'll be going to bed with a smile on my face tonight thinking about his world view.
Last time we saw him was about a month after D and I separated. He gave me a mini lecture about getting back into the 'scene' and that I was still so young I should not stay single for too long, I still have a lot to offer someone..... This was all a bit odd, embarrassing/uncomfortable coming from my daughter's doctor.
So tonight he wanted to know how things are going. He asked if I had a boyfriend and I said no and he asked if I was having casual sex?!!! What?!?! This is my daughter's doctor! I told him that as much as I would like that, I'm a Christian and I don't believe casual sex is a great idea for me. He said, "well, it can be ok can't it in a committed relationship? like committed for a few hours"!!!! OMG! he's such a crack up. I think he actually was reasonably serious.
I'm sad to know that we won't go back to see him. He's such a lovely doctor. Thanks Dr P for being so great and helping us through some pretty tough times.
ps I told him my BFF (I've changed this from BF cos it seemed to suggest boyfriend, instead of best friend...) had a son 21 years ago and he was the paediatrician and my friend told him to leave cos he was too good looking! He actually blushed a bit and said 'yeah, that's happened a couple of times!' How funny is he.
I'll be going to bed with a smile on my face tonight thinking about his world view.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Death, and studying
I found out last night that one of my cousins died on Monday. We had a family reunion in Sept 07 and he was diagnosed with cancer soon after that. He must have been fairly sick for some time because by that stage he had cancer in all his major organs and was given months to live. It's very sad. He was about to turn 43 (his birthday is in 3 weeks) and was married with three young children.
His funeral is Friday afternoon (in Coonalpyn!) so I'm going to take the girls out of school for the day and take them to the funeral.
I also have the girls for the whole weekend this weekend. This will be the first time (apart from Easter weekend) that I've had a whole weekend with them since we separated I think. It will be nice to be able to do normal family type stuff, like visiting friends together. I do miss them a lot when they're not here.
I've started my next two subjects at Uni. Cultural Perspectives on Science and Technology and the other one is Social Sciences in Australia. My head is hurting considerably more than it was last study period. I hope I can bluff my way through this.
I won't find out my exam result from last study period until June 29th apparently.
His funeral is Friday afternoon (in Coonalpyn!) so I'm going to take the girls out of school for the day and take them to the funeral.
I also have the girls for the whole weekend this weekend. This will be the first time (apart from Easter weekend) that I've had a whole weekend with them since we separated I think. It will be nice to be able to do normal family type stuff, like visiting friends together. I do miss them a lot when they're not here.
I've started my next two subjects at Uni. Cultural Perspectives on Science and Technology and the other one is Social Sciences in Australia. My head is hurting considerably more than it was last study period. I hope I can bluff my way through this.
I won't find out my exam result from last study period until June 29th apparently.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)