Father's Day

Well, today is Father's Day. It's always been a bit of an odd, even sad day for me. I usually feel a bit disjointed on Father's Day - like I'm a guest at another family's special gathering, looking on.... and then this year, D's not around either. This is, of course, a good thing for me, but not so much for the girls. He's working this morning so will come and get them after he finishes at about 2pm so it's good that they'll get to see him.

I'm going to try and put in a photo of a montage I did of my Dad and Mum. My sister TE helped me with it when we were at Murray Bridge for my birthday. We used a canvas from a cheap shop, then used a Kaszazz scrapbooking kit for all the paper, vellum and letters. I've also sprayed it with a clear gloss to help protect it.

and another thing....

Last night after the netball clinic (that's where I was going with this to start with, and I got a bit side-tracked!) Madame I had a bit of a melt-down at home. I don't really know what started it or triggered it but she just got overwhelmed by a lot of things and was yelling at me and Princess S and getting pretty out of control. When she's like this I don't usually handle it very well because I'm human, and I get tired too, and stressed, and yesterday in particular I was feeling one of those 'lonely times' that happen every now and then. So I got grumpy with her and she got worse (of course). Eventually we sat together on the couch and fighting everything inside of me I put my arm around her and told her that I just don't know how to help her sometimes. She started to calm down and went to bed still a bit teary. Then she called me into the bedroom and said "You're the best mum a girl could ask for". Wow! I think she must have read that in a book somewhere....I certainly don't feel that it's true, and it isn't the sort of thing she would normally say. But, it was really lovely to hear it and it helped her to calm down and move on so it's all good!
I think I'm done now ;-)

Turning 40 and new beginnings

My last post I was so distracted by inappropriate flowers that I forgot to say how great my birthday party was! It really was great, and I'm so glad I did it. It was the first time that all my sisters have been together EVER without husbands and kids (well, since my oldest sister left home and she was about 14 or something at the time) so that's about 35 years! I was a little concerned how my sisters and my friends would get along as there are some fairly strong personalities in my family, but it was just great. Everyone got along really well (a bit too well perhaps?!). It was a really relaxing time for me, and I felt very loved and affirmed. I took along my video camera and we had a kind of 'diary room' and most of the girls recorded a message for me. This was just great and I've had a good laugh (and a tear or two) watching that a couple of times. There seems to be a bit of demand for me to turn 40 again next year so we can do it again, so we'll see.
Yesterday I had a rather strange encounter. The girls have started doing a netball clinic with a local club. They're very excited about it, and may play in a summer competition with this club which is just great (quite frankly, anything that gets Princess S moving at anything beyond a walk is worth the money!). I bumped into a girl there who I knew from our CAFS group (I know it's called CYH but CAFS is much easier to say). I haven't seen this girl since Madame I was probably 18months old. Her daughter is doing the clinic as well. [an important note is that I mentioned I'd just turned 40 and she said I didn't look anywhere near 40! just a little ego-stroke] We spent a little bit of time reminiscing about the new mum's group and I was then remembering what I was like then. I had a difficult baby (she was beautiful - my sister TM called her the porcelain princess - but a horror to look after). I couldn't calm her by holding her, I couldn't get her to sleep and even rocking her in my arms I couldn't get her to sleep (all this now makes sense with the Asperger's diagnosis but at the time I had no idea). It was funny cos this friend (who actually had twins at the time, one is a boy) has since had two more children. She commented that 'we had no idea what we were doing did we?!' and she is right. I had no confidence as a mum, and added into the mix was that I think I was depressed and not treated for it for another 2 years or so, and D was at Uni and took the car so I didn't have any transport! Typically self-less of him....NOT. What a mess. When I look back at 'me' then, I feel like I'm a completely different person now. I feel like I now have a sense of who I am, I feel so much more mature and confident about myself and my place in the world.
This actually shocked me, that I'm so much more confident now. Especially considering the last year I would have expected to feel less confident if anything but I don't.
A friend at school said to me last week "turning 40 is a dangerous age for the people around you, cos you just don't give a s**t anymore". We had a good laugh at this, but it is true I think. And then combine turning 40 with leaving a 10-year marriage! Look out world, here I come!
I'm really thankful for the last year - it's actually been 10months since D and I separated. This experience has helped me grow so much, and work out who I am and what I want in life and from life. I'm not sure if I ever really want to be in another relationship. There's always the romantic notions of having someone to share your life with and someone to cuddle (and other benefits as well :-) and someone to share the bills and responsibility. But I am actually quite content most of the time on my own. I like the relationship I have with my girls and not having to share them with anyone else, and not having to be the peace-maker anymore.
So, whatever the future has I think I'm ready for it and looking forward to it. I'm facing the future with a smile on my face.

Learning to keep my mouth shut (kind of)

Well, now I'm 40. I don't feel any different really (not surprisingly).
D sent me some flowers on my birthday. He had written on the card himself, saying "I miss you and I love you".
So, that was interesting! How is one supposed to react to something like that, when the girls are here with me? They seemed quite happy that Dad had sent me flowers. I actually asked Madame I if she thought it was appropriate for him to do that, and her reply was "Well he still really loves you". Hmmm..... she also commented that he'd sent my favourite flowers, gerberas.
I wanted to throw the flowers in the bin immediately after I read the card, but I thought that would probably confuse the girls a bit. But I didn't feel I could just accept them and have D think that they meant anything to me.
So I sat on it for a couple of days and on Monday (the third day after my birthday) I sent him an email saying that whilst I appreciate the sentiment in sending them, it was just not appropriate and in particular wasn't appropriate to be stating that he misses me and loves me.
He sent one back going to town about it....if he hadn't done anything I would have been upset, and if he did something I'd be upset and he wanted to let me know how he feels. Some of what he wrote follows...
just as you have the right to let me know exactly how you feel, it’s neither fair I feel to demand that I instantly switch off my feelings and emotions after 10 years of marriage.
this is me standing up for myself even in a small way and being honest... saying this is how I feel and I’m not going to deny it... But just as you have to deal with stuff in your way, then I need to be allowed to do the same, and we both have to live with the consequences of decisions etc made by both of us
I've now come to the conclusion that he doesn't have any clue at all of what are socially acceptable ways of dealing with anything. Apparently (as has always been the case with him) it doesn't matter if I'm going to be hurt by something, what is important is that he is able to say what he wants cos that's what he needs to do.
I seriously wonder how on earth I married this guy....but then again, he wasn't like this when I married him. For a while I've been a bit worried that he was like this and I just didn't see it, but my dear sister TE told me the other day that he did change in the last few years so that's a relief.
I just cannot wait until October 22nd when I can file divorce papers.
In the past I would have replied to his email with lots of sarcasm and truth.....but this time I've decided I'm not going to. I'm going to be the bigger person and let it go (once I've ranted and raved about it here first that is!). Last time we did this the emails went back and forth for ages and didn't actually change anything, we just both wrote a lot of fairly hurtful things. As much as I'd like to ring him and abuse him and yell at him, I know that it won't help my journey. So I will let it go. See, it's gone now! lol
I'm thinking that I might go back to my maiden name once the divorce is final. I really don't want to be associated with his surname anymore. The girls will obviously keep his surname and rightly so, they are a part of him but I'm not. Bring on October, that's all I can say.

Birthday celebrations!

This weekend I'm going on a little holiday to celebrate turning 40! We've hired a holiday house at Murray Bridge that is only about 4 years old, 2 storey, sleeps 14, all the mod cons. I'm going with my Mum, all my sisters and some close friends.
A few have had to pull out this week which is very sad - we'll miss you! However, I am so excited about the weekend. We are taking a chocolate fondue fountain, ABBA singstar, lots of dvds and a considerable amount of drinkies (or, as another friend of mine calls it 'oh be joyfoul').
At the end of the weekend on of my sisters (TE) and BFF and me are staying for a few more days, so I don't think I'll want to come back!
It's been a rather interesting time since my last birthday and whilst I never could have imagined how much my life was about to change at my last birthday, I'm now quite happy, settled and looking forward to the future.
Well, I hope the world doesn't miss me too much while I'm gone. I'll have limited internet access (via my mobile phone) while we're gone so I'll see you next week.

Sex and gender

Hi all - I'm still here! I've been away on holiday for a week, and I guess I don't have as much to say as I used to .....surprising, I know.
I've been catching up on my Sociology subject this week (as I discovered I have an online exam to do and hadn't done much reading at all for this subject!). A lot of the subject matter has been about our idea of 'self' and our identity in society. Today the reading's been about sexual identity and gender identity - and are they the same thing or different?
It's been interesting reading, and studying this stuff has certainly helped me to be a bit more broad-minded which I think was actually necessary. The authors of the text book (of course) have the view that gender and sex are very different. It brings about a lot of interesting ponderings I think.
I have typically defined sex by the biological definition - which genitalia do you have? (not to put too fine a point to it!) But now we have in society a new term called gender which is more along the lines of which sex do you identify with for yourself? A person can have male genitalia but identify as a woman (or vice versa). So what makes us male and female? According to my text book we are all conceived female and then at some point in-utero the embryo with the XY configuration gets a testosterone wash and becomes male. But there are lots of variations genetically too. 'Men' can have XXY chromosomes, usually resulting in a very effeminate male. Apparently (and I didn't know this til I read it in the book) in the late 80's the women who were performing well at Olympic field events were tested genetically. They were found to have male chromosomes!
On a personal level this issue of gender identity has been something I've given more thought to since my marriage breakdown. Whilst D is 'male' and presents as 'male/masculine' he obviously has something going on somewhere in his genetics or socialised identity..... The underlying issue is are people born male and female, are they made male and female by society or is it some kind of combination? And what about those who have (for example) male genitalia and identify as male until puberty (or some other time) then feel they actually should have been born a woman?
It's all very interesting, and one thing I am becoming more certain of - I (and we) can't label situations or other people's experiences based on our own (often limited) experiences. The world is made up of a very comlex mix of people. None of us completely fit any mold/stereotype.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made." Psalm 139:13-14

'Intellect' and Religion

During my studies at University one theme is becoming very, very obvious.
Religion is considered to be an indulgence of the uneductated.
At present I'm studying units called Social Sciences in Australia and Cultural Perspectives on Science and Technology. In both of these units the concept of religion is discussed a fair bit. In every case it is mentioned as something that is the antithesis of the intellect. If you are an intelligent, educated person there is no room for religion.
This is interesting given that I am a Christian and I am what some would refer to as a Fundamentalist Christian. I dislike this term immensely myself because it conjurs images of people who are almost cult-like in their beliefs, however I use it because it makes sense to a large percentage of the world's population......I guess I'm making an assumption here that there may actually be people reading this who don't know me personally. Who knows, it is afterall the world wide web.
In the subject I'm currently supposed to be writing an essay for (doh! - distracted again) (Cultural Perspectives...) religion is even referred to as a non-cognitive interest. This implies it's an interest the does not make sense in an intellectual sense. Cognition means knowing, perceiving, or conceiving as an act of faculty distinct from emotion and volition. I'll have to ponder this a bit more when I'm not on a deadline with an essay, but I am certain that my faith, and the decisions I make to believe in God as the creator of the universe and mankind is separate from emotion and volition. It is a belief that is based on historical fact.
Anyway, I'll come back to this one day but thought I might just put it 'out there' for now.