Job applications

Having decided that I need a part-time job to help with cash flow, I've started the search and apply process. I've applied for one in a community service organisation close to the girl's school and home, and am nervously waiting for an interview. Today I completed my first government application in a very long time. Man, they take so long to do! The hope is, of course, that you can copy and paste a lot of what they want from other positions you've applied for. But getting that first one done is really hard work.
Thanks to my wonderful (and government-employed) sister TE I have completed my first application, and I have to say I think I sound pretty wonderful, articulate, intelligent and wise! Time will tell....the waiting is certainly a painful process, and I have a couple of others to do now as well.
Isn't it nice to have some great spring weather?! I have thoroughly enjoyed our winter this year, being lovely and cold and very wet. But it is nice to feel the warmth of the sun when you go outside, and still have those gentle cool breezes. I'd be quite happy for the weather to stay like this until autumn next year.
The girls are loving their Friday night netball competition. Madame I's team is in a comp that is one level too high for them, so have not had a win yet, although they came close last Friday night. She is a great little defender and is learning that her position is just as valuable as the goal shooter. Princess S seems to be somewhat lacking in a netball intuition....she'll throw the ball to a team mate and then just stand there - as though that's all she needs to do to contribute to the game! I've tried to remind her that she needs to run (doesn't happen often with her normally anyway!) with the play and keep up so they can throw the ball to her again, but she just doesn't seem to get it. It's quite funny observing myself at her games because all I want to do is yell at her to run, jump, put your hands up, etc. but we're not allowed to do that! So I encourage gently and celebrate with her when her team wins. Maybe she'll catch on, maybe she won't, we'll see.

The D word

I've been quite surprised over the last few days by my emotions. I emailed D to let him know the divorce papers would be coming and his response triggered a tsunami of emotions that totally caught me off guard. I can hear you ask, wow, he must have really gone off his tree....what did he say?
Well, his response was "Not so much of a shock, been resigned to it now."
It was a real anti-climax. I felt quite deflated. Then later I experienced a flood of grief. Being the analytical person I am, I started probing my reaction to find the trigger. I realised that I had wanted D to fight for me. I wanted him to fight against his 'issues' and fight for me. I've been waiting for him to do this since I found out what he'd been up to, nearly a year ago. But all I've gotten from him has been lies, and empty platitudes about how sorry he is, and reasons why he thinks I've contributed to our marriage breakdown. So I'm left feeling a bit abandoned by him.
I have to say, I'm ok. I'm not in the depths of depression. I do feel sad and I've had a time of letting the grief out. But I am 'together' and coping. I have just been so shocked by my reaction to him finally accepting what is happening.
I had a chat with a very dear friend yesterday about it and she reassured me that whatever you feel is what you feel, it's not right or wrong and you can't predict how you're going to react. Just go with it. So thanks L, you're a great friend and I'm really glad we've gotten to know each other.
More to come....

Nearly 12 months

Next week will mark the 12month 'anniversary' of my separation from D. I've been looking forward (in a funny kind of way) to this moment so that I can get some closure and 'move on' emotionally.
Now that's it almost here it is a bit overwhelming. I've filled in the divorce papers and have them ready to be notarised and lodged next Thursday. I just sent D an email to forewarn him that they will be coming cos I'm pretty sure he will be devastated by it.
I can feel all the grief and sadness and hurt flooding back again. It's quite surreal. I'll have to remember to be gentle with myself in the coming days and weeks I guess.

Conditioned Taste Aversion

One of my current Uni subjects is Intro to Psychology and this week I'm learning about Learning. One thing that's mentioned is a thing called Conditioned Taste Aversion.
"Suppose you want to teach a rat to dislike a certain food, such as prawns. Following the usual procedure, you pair the food (prawns) with drugs that cause nausea or other unpleasant symptoms (toxic event). The rat would then learn to associate the flavour of the food with nausea and leave it alone." (direct quote from my lecture slides)
So I'm thinking if I could get hold of a drug that causes nausea, I could condition myself to not want chocolate, cakes, or any other unhealthy food.
Any suggestions of where I could get such a drug? (this is kind of tongue in cheek, but I do wonder why this treatment isn't used for people like me who have learned to be emotional eaters?)

A new doctor

It's been a while since I blogged last. Maybe that's a sign that life is moving on.
Today I had an appointment with a new GP (I wasn't feeling as supported by my last one as I should have). We had a bit of a getting-to-know-you session and I was quite surprised when I was talking to her about the revelations etc of the last 12 months she actually cried! Even doctors have a life, and feelings and sometimes our lives touch theirs. Needless to say I feel a lot more supported by her.
We talked about about my weight and a motivation to get rid of a lot of it. She actually asked me "what would happen for you to say 'f*** you' to lost some weight?" Ah, it was funny. She's a middle-aged woman of migrant parents (although she might not appreciate that description) and she said the 'f' word was one of the first english words she learned....of course. So now I'm left pondering what makes me angry enough to motivate me?

Chocolate Cake vs Roast Beef dinner

Both girls home from school sick today, so we're having a pyjama day. I've tried for years to have a day when I stay in my jamies for the whole day, but I just can't do it! I usually just feel gross and need to have a shower. It's 2:15pm and I'm still in my jamies, so this is probably a record.
I'm watching a bit of tv today and I've seen an ad that I've seen before, and each time my reaction is the same. It's advertising Healthy Choice frozen meals. A woman comes home from work and reaches for a piece of nice, big, chocolate cake in the fridge. A man appears from behind her fridge and tells her to look in the freezer, where she has a heap of Healthy Choice frozen meals, so she grabs one and eats it.
I have to say, if I'm in the mood for a nice, big piece of chocolate cake I am NOT going to be satisfied with a roast beef meal! What are those advertisers thinking?

School Interviews

I had 3-way interviews last night with the girls at school. Instead of a parent-teacher interview they involve the children and they each have a heap of work on the computer that they show you and tell you all about the things they've been learning and what they've had success with. All very warm and fuzzy school of the new millenium stuff!
A couple of things made me laugh during the interviews (and more so afterwards when I was thinking about it). Madame I's teacher (who hasn't been too embracing of the Asperger's thing) said to me "her story writing is quite good, but she really only writes about things that have happened. She needs to be writing creatively - making things up". I actually laughed out loud and suggested that she should have expected this to be the case! She agreed, but I'm not convinced she got the connection. Then she told me that Madame I's resilience has improved a lot during the year. At the beginning of the year if she fell over she would cry quite a bit, but now she's happier to just laugh it off. I suggested to her that this will probably revert back at the start of next year when she has a new teacher, new classmates, new classroom, new everything! Again, she laughed and had a bit of a "I wonder what she's talking about" kind of look on her face. Ah well, we can't all be perfect can we....
Princess S's teacher told me that at the start of the year (and for all of Term 1) she would burst into tears if she had to try something new, and was very emotional. Gee I wish they'd let us know BEFORE TERM 3!!!!!! so that perhaps I could work with my child at home to help build their confidence and 'risk taking' as she called it. Seriously, do they think the kids actually enjoy feeling overwhelmed by everything?!!! I just don't know why something that is so obviously an issue (in that two terms later she's still remembered it) isn't discussed with the parent.
I can see that in the next year or so I might be really tempted to just give up on teachers, and the expectation that they might like to work collaboratively with a parent just for something new. But, for now I'll persevere cos I know they're not all thick, or ignorant! I do know some teachers who are great.
To end on a really nice note, yesterday afternoon we were sitting on a bench outside the chemist waiting for some prescriptions to be made up. We were sitting quietly, just watching the world go by when Madame I says "Mum, I love you". Well, you could have knocked me over with a feather! That doesn't happen too often - I could probably count on one hand the number of times she's ever said it without me saying it first. A very sweet moment.