New Year

The first day of the year possibly warrants a blog post. It's going to get one whether it's actually warranted or not.

I have never been one to make New Year's resolutions. I have never been good at goal setting and feel I will just disappoint myself when (not if, but when) I don't meet my goals. Maybe this is my depressive personality, maybe it's a pessimistic personality. Maybe it's a realistic personality. I've never been able to really work that one out, and I don't really care what it is. It just is.

So I'm wondering today whether my avoidance of New Year's Hope and Resolutions suggests I'm a Fatalist? There's no point in setting goals or plans because experience has taught me that Life happens whether we plan it or not, that when things happen completely out of left field we have to adjust everything to continue with life. And what of our plans then?

I remember hearing that Life is what happens while we are busy making plans.

So why not short-circuit the process and just Live Life? Save all that time making plans, setting goals and then having to adjust them when other things happen.

I am being a bit tongue-in-cheek. I do have some flimsy plans for the year, some vague idealisation of what I hope the year brings and what I hope to achieve and experience.

"Good riddance to 2013, Hello and welcome to a big sexy 2014"

Surely you don't want to say good riddance to ALL of 2013 though. Even in my most annus horribilis's I have had good things to remember as well. Don't throw out the baby with the bath water.

Difficult times during a year would be great to erase. However, I wouldn't be the person I am today without the crappy times and experiences I've had. So to erase those things would be to erase part of who I am. Why would I want to do that!?

2014 might look bold and bright and sexy today. But so did 2013 on the 1st January 2013...... So do we set ourselves up for disappointment to hold such high expectations for a new year? Should we perhaps only allow ourselves to remember nice, positive, heart warming memories from each year? Should we expect and look forward to the struggles of the new year so that we can be even bigger, better versions of ourselves at the end of 2014?

I have settled in a head space of accepting what has been, and accepting what will come. Today carries the same hopes, disappointments and challenges as yesterday, and tomorrow, and next month, and next January 1. Why put so much pressure on one day of the year?

Enjoy the public holiday.

Love the people around you.

Move away from the people who don't nurture your journey, if that's what you need to do.

Face the sunshine, but appreciate the shade. Life is full of both.

A new blog?

I'm thinking about writing a new blog. Maybe more than one, that will each be more focused on a specific topic.

This blog was started to help me deal with the breakdown of my marriage, and to keep others up to date with where I was at. It was a great tool for me and a great therapy. But it's time has come I think.

I was mentioning to M the other day that I have some deep thinking moments when I am sitting on the toilet. That led to me thinking that maybe I should blog those moments....and has led to a string of ridiculous and funny names for a blog that is created from that moment:

The Bog Blog

The Flush Flash

Who Gives a Shit

We'll no doubt think of some more, while I consider what topics I want to blog about.

AusStereo

This is going to be a big, fat, personal, opinionated rant! Read at your own peril. But please don't bitch at me about my opinion. I'm writing my opinion. I don't need your approval, and I don't want your disapproval.

I am disgusted by the actions of AusStereo and the DJ's.

But my disgust didn't just start this week. It's been building for a while.

Remember the young footballer who died in Las Vegas? I think his name was John McCartney. TripleM here in Adelaide publicised his name before his family was even advised of his tragic death. That was just careless, selfish publicity-seeking behaviour.

And now, all this ridiculous behaviour regarding Princess Kate's pregnancy. Seriously, when are our radio station 'personalities' going to grow up! What was to be gained by managing to speak to hospital staff about Kate's situation? Make themselves feel good? Provide a few laughs? I don't actually really see how it was funny anyway.

For quite a while now I've been steering clear of radio station breakfast shows that subscribe to prank-calls-equals-great-ratings. They are ridiculous and I always feel very uncomfortable listening to them. Most of them seem to just go way beyond what is actually funny, and when the prankee gets upset, agitated or really worried, they don't stop they just keep going. It becomes something that is actually cruel. It's tormenting. We mostly recognise that tormenting animals is not ok. So why is it ok to do it to people, especially publicly?!

Now that the news channels are talking about the radio station having pre-recorded the prank call to England, and management having approved it for airing it just seems even more macabre. I understand that at that point in time they could not have anticipated one of those nurses taking her own life. It does seem a very extreme reaction to the call. But this is the problem. We usually have no idea of what goes on in other people's lives. And to play with their feelings, jobs and self-esteem for the sake of entertainment and ratings is just sick.

AusStereo really are the ones who need to take responsibility for this mess. The DJ's are doing their job yes, but what a stupid idea they had in the first place. As a pair of human beings it really is time they grew up a little and stopped playing school-yard games. Become a contributing member of society. Maybe even give something back to all the people who listen to your crap every day.

AusStereo deserves the bogan-laden ignoramuses of their demographic. But I seriously hope that anyone with more than 2 brain cells will no longer listen to the crap they sprout.

It is my opinion that it is because of pin-headed ignorant dicks like the management at AusStereo that we need to have censorship in Australia. Some people just don't have the ability to censor without external help. Even worse when an organisation/corporation isn't able to censor appropriately.

What a disgrace. This whole thing makes me embarrassed to be an Australian.

(and by the way, I don't think the hate campaign against the DJ's is appropriate at all. It is just as petty, childish and hurtful as what they did in the first place.)

Finishing what we started

Recently I've had discussions with my two favourite single mums in the world and we all seem to share very similar feelings and thoughts about our journeys, even though each of our journeys has been extremely different.
As one of my faves said just yesterday, it's like we (as a married couple) started a journey, then he left (or was asked to leave because of his actions) and we, the wives, are left to finish that journey on our own.
This resonated so deeply with me! I do feel like I'm finishing off what D and I started together. And it's difficult to do that on my own when it was a joint vision that started it. Regardless of why D isn't here with me, we both prepared for parenthood, we both discussed and set goals for our children, we both made plans for our chilren. And whilst I do consult him when it's reasonable, I am making a lot of decision by myself because often those decisions need to be made on the run.
An example is Madame I telling me a year or so ago that she wanted to determine which high school she went to. I responded that it's not just up to her. There are lots of things to consider such as how will she get there? How much will it cost for fees and other costs and can I (or Dad and I) afford it? What learning benefits are there for her and what risks are there for her with the issues she's had in primary school being perpetuated because of the style of school?
And besides which, I personally don't feel comfortable with my 11 year old telling me what she is going to do.....I think it's something we should discuss, but ultimately I (and her Dad, if I let him) will make the decision about her high schooling.
A long time ago D and I made a decision that he would go to University and get his teaching degree to give him better opportunities for work. Madame I was born soon after he started Uni and Princess S was born while he was still studying. We sold our home because we couldn't afford to pay the overheads and his tuition fees as well. We went into rental homes and both of us are still in rentals today. I stayed out of the workforce until he had finished studying because we would be worse off financially if I got a job.
Then I wanted to start studying. By this time I was working three days a week and our marriage wasn't in a very good place. D was withdrawn from the majority of our family life so I was the main carer (dare I say the only carer for about 95% of the time) of our children. I had to try and fit studying in around everything else. However, when he had studied, he had the luxury of being a full time student, of having me caring for the children 100% of the time and making sure they didn't interrupt his study. But when I wanted to study I had to fit it in around everything else. He would 'watch the children' for me, but in reality that meant him watching tv in the front room, me studying in the back room and the girls playing in the back yard where I could see and hear everything they were doing, and he could see and hear nothing.
Another area where we women seem to get totally shafted after a marriage breakdown. We sacrificed for our husbands to study and establish their careers, we postponed our own plans for study or career advancement, and now we're in a position where we can't study full time, or even part time, because our only work options are to be part time and scrimp by on a minimal income, or work full time for the extra money but have to spend a large portion of it in after school and holiday child care.
I don't have the same earning potential that D has. That is an absoloute fact. I will never be able to build my superannuation to a level similar to his. Even when the girls are older and both in high school, if one of them is sick it will still fall to me in the first instance to care for them and take time off work, not him.
I don't have the same social life potential that D has. I have the girls with me 12 nights out of 14. If I can't organise my social outings to be on those 2 nights that he has them, I have to try and find a babysitter. I have asked him a few times and altough I know he 'helps out when he can', the reality is he and his partner have a very active social life and often are not available on weekends to look after the girls. This does really annoy me. Especially at times like this last weekend where I just wanted a simple dinner with some friends I hadn't seen in a while. D only looks after them when it fits in with his schedule. So I can only have a social life when it fits in with his schedule. Except that this weekend my two single super mums came through and each took one of my girls. It was so good, I had a great time at the dinner and the girls each had a great time with their friends. But it annoys me that D doesn't get that it's his responsibility to look after  his children. He never did get that, so it's just ridiculous for me to expect it now, but I still do.....
Another issue came up in our discussions on the weekend that is bothering me. One of my friends has done a great job of applying herself to work and earning a decent income for her and her children whilst her husband 'isn't able to get much work'. Typically the suspicion is that he is doing cash work and not claiming it so he doesn't have to support his children. The twist comes in that because she's earning a normal wage and he isn't, and he has their children for 5 nights a fortnight, she now has to pay him child support!!!!! Farrrrrrr out! When I look at our situation I can see that could easily happen to us as well. Even though D is only still at 2 nights a fortnight and my income is about half what my friends is, I know that D isn't working much at all so doesn't have much income. If we get to the point that I have to pay him child support, I might do some serious harm to someone.
You try and do the best by your children and allow them to see their dad as often as they want, even though he is a moronic, self centred, cheating, lying piece of crap, and then you have to pay for the privilege....... now that is a system that really sucks the goodness out of the divorced world.
I have lots of things to be thankful for in my particular situation with D. The sense of good will on both sides is rare and appreciated. But there are still a lot of things about being a single parent, and in particular about being his ex wife, that actually really suck.

My annual post!

It's been so long since I've posted in my blog, I couldn't even remember when the last one was or what it was about. When I arrived here today I see that it was EXACTLY 12 months ago! How weird is that?!
My contemplations recently have been about grief. All different sorts of grief. The grief of my marriage breakdown. The grief of the anniversary of my cousin's death (more so the grief of his immediate family). The grief another friend has over the death of her brother a year ago.The grief I feel over the future I won't have because of someone else's choices.
As I posted on facebook a few days ago "Grief is a funny old companion. You think you've gotten used to its presence in your life, mostly in the background. Then out of nowhere it just jumps in the foreground, waving its arms around demanding attention. And then it's gone again."
I've had a few comments on it, and a private message or two. It seems to have resonated with a few people. I think I'd had an idea of grief being something you 'did'. You go through the process, and you come out the other end. You tick off the steps, the stages....anger, denial, bargaining, etc. Everyone processes the steps in different order. And then you're out the other side of it. You're done. You're 'over it'. You're healed.
How naive I am! I have lived with grief for most of my life. I've NEVER felt like I was healed of it. I've NEVER felt like it wasn't present in my life. I have wondered if it is possible for me to be free of grief.
My glass-half-empty, who-really-gives-a-shit-about-the-glass side thinks that grief will always be a presence in my life. Most of the time it is very much in the background, and there are long periods of time when I don't think about it, but it is always there.
My glass-half-full side believes that one day I will feel that grief is not a dominant aspect of my life. I guess in a way that's true now - it isn't dominant. But I do feel it makes me so much of who I am. I have empathy with lots of people, because so many different life events cause grief. And grief is grief.
I've been seeing a counsellor and she specialises in this stuff. She suggested that it's 'normal' to take about 4 years to move on from a deep grief. SHIT!!! That's a long long time! Maybe she's right though. It's coming up to 4 years since D and I split up. Maybe I'm feeling a bit of a shift in my emotions and thinking.
I've grown a lot in the last 12 months. I've mucked around a lot with the man-in-my-life thing. I had a really funny conversation with a friend at the beach one day that kind of sums up my experiences and my perspective on men and sex. Analogies work pretty well for me, so here goes (apologies in advance to my mum who will probably read this - no doubt this is way too much information from your daughter, but there you go lololol:
Masturbation is like Chinese food. It's absoloutely fantastic at the time, but 5 minutes later you realise you're still 'hungry'
Casual sex is like Jasmine rice. It has a gorgeous fragrance and tastes brilliant. BUT it has a really high GI (glycemic index) so isn't good for your long term health at all. And again, after a while you're just hungry again.
Friends with benefits is like Basmati rice. It smells great, tastes great and is low GI. Much better for your health. But it's still rice.
But, what I really want isn't rice based at all. What I really want is Steak and veggies. High protein, full of flavour, healthy, and I could just eat it quite literally every day. A man who is healthy for me to be around every day. A man who wants to be around me every day (well, almost every day).
The problem is, steak is pretty expensive, it's hard to find really really good steak and it's so easy to overcook it. Then it's just not nice at all.
Men. Are. Just. Hard. Work.
I have come to realise I just don't have the physical time, or the emotional energy, to put into building a proper relationship with someone. And then I feel really lonely. And then I get angry at D because it's his fault I'm sitting here on my own while my kids enjoy a weekend with him and his partner (who I really like, by the way). When my shoulders were excrutiatingly sore earlier this week, my neck was so tense my physio was shaking his head in sympathy, I was angry at D because it's his fault that he's not here any more to massage the sore spots. It's his fault I'm single parenting with a 12 year old daughter with Asperger's Syndrome who has had a terribly shitty time the last few weeks (apart from the news this week that she got into a fantastic school on her own merits). I'm wrung out. I feel really empty. But the girls still need more from me. And where am I supposed to find the 'more' from? I would like to run away for a while and have someone take care of me. But then I might not want to come back lol.
D and I get along really well 95% of the time. He's grown, he's become a great dad and as far as ex-husbands go, he's actually pretty good. I like his partner a lot. As a family unit of 5 people we are doing really well. But I still have times when that grief just rocks me and it's like it all just happened yesterday. I lose my breath again and feel like my chest is caving in. There's a big gaping hole where my heart used to be. The remnants of my heart are still stuck to the bottom of D's shoes. I wonder if I will EVER feel like I have my heart back.
This isn't about taking back my power and being the awesome woman you all acknowledge I am (see, I still have my sense of humour!). It's just about having a heart so badly broken, me feeling so completely broken, that I sometimes still feel I'll never be 'normal' again.
And that, my friends, is all about grief.

Happiness

I've been involved in a several discussions recently about anti-depressants.

I have been taking them since the birth of Princess S (apart from a break of about a year during which time I realised I'll probably need them for the rest of my life, and I'm not comfortable with that). *sorry, I've just re-read this and it should read "I'm comfortable with that - if I have to take tablets for the rest of my life to help me be nice then that's ok with me".

Different people ask 'which ones do you take?', 'what do you think about long term use?' etc.

It has got me thinking about the depressive times I've had and which anti-depressants I felt were more helpful at the time. I've had 3 different brands at 3 different times of my life.

I won't bore you with the detail - most of you would know anyway! But in contemplating this today during the most restful, peaceful, nurturing day I think I've ever had, I realise that I am now happy. Truly happy.

I laugh. A lot. I make jokes that are (usually) appropriate. I am enjoying the relationships I have with my daughters, my best friend and my sister/best friend. I enjoy my job and in nearly 18months have had only perhaps 1 day when I really didn't feel like going to work - and that was this week because I've just been feeling so worn out.

I feel more confident in myself than I think I ever have. I'm comfortable with disagreeing with other people and not worrying that they won't like me because I disagree with them.

I still feel a bit icky in the romance/self esteem stakes, but I can live with that.

I am very thankful for who I am now, and where I'm at in life. I'm thankful for a mysterious faith that keeps me going, for a loving God who will never leave me or forsake me, for beautiful children who really do bless me (had to happen eventually!), for a loving and supportive family of origin, and for the best friend anyone could hope for. I also have great friends in my church, and love the girl's home group I'm leading and learning with.

I do feel very blessed tonight. Isn't it amazing what a day of rest can do for one's soul!

Suits and humour

My sister PE is down from the country for work and staying at a very nice hotel in the city. This evening we went to her hotel to say hi. She had the most beautiful view from the 19th floor of the Stamford Plaza, looking over Parliament House, the Railway Station and Adelaide Oval.
In the lift on the way back down a man got in who was wearing a suit and I must say he looked very very handsome. He was quite tall and stood in front of the digital screen which showed which floor the lift was at.
Madame I made a comment that she couldn't see the screen so he made a funny comment and actually squatted down so she could see it. It was quite a funny moment. Generally when you get in a lift no-one speaks, and everyone tries to pretend that no-one else is there.
After we left the hotel I remarked to the girls "that man in the lift was very handsome, wasn't he?". Madame I replies "yes, and he had a very good sense of humour, which is very important in a man". What a complete and total crack up! I think she will be part of the screening process if I ever have the opportunity to have a boyfriend again :-)
We then started a conversation about men wearing suits. I started it (admittedly) by saying that a suit just does something to a man, and even a fairly unattractive guy looks really handsome in a suit.
I've been teasing (very gently) Madame I about a young man she knows who is just the loveliest young guy and she gets on reasonably well with him. His mum is just one of the nicest women I know and his sister is a friend of Madame I's. I told her the other day that 'M' would be a great husband - you'd have a great sister-in-law and mother-in-law (I don't really know the dad, but he seems very nice).
Tonight when we were talking about men in suits she immediately bursts out with "well, if M was in a suit I'd sure want to marry him". She is just so funny sometimes. I laughed so loud I think I could have been heard miles away.
She's going to turn 11 in 2 months and she is just growing into a lovely young lady/girl. Her sense of humour is finally developing (along with other parts of her anatomy!) and we do have some real fun at times.
So, it seems we will both end up (hopefully) with men who have a great sense of humour and wear suits a lot! :-)

A different way of looking at it

Tonight I went out for a girls night with some ladies from my church. In a very un-churchy way, we met at S-Bar (like a restaurant/pub kind of place) at Marion which was really cool. One of the girls from church was being interviewed about how she saw different aspects of her life. It was very well done.
The interesting thing for me, was that this girl - and let's call her Trudy - claimed to be very introverted and is 'learning' to reach out to her friends, rather than have them always be the one to contact her.
Trudy has a reasonably public face in our church and I have not really gotten to know her on a personal level at all. Partly because we've just moved in different circles, her children are quite a bit younger than mine, and also probably because I had pretty much 'checked out' of getting to know people since D and I separated 2.5 years ago. I also am quite shy - I can overcome that when I need to, but mostly I'm pretty shy and feel very self-conscious introducing myself to new people.
So, I had assumed that Trudy and I hadn't ever really chatted because she didn't need any new friends as she obviously had pretty good ones already, and maybe she just didn't want to get to know me. Isn't funny how it's always about me?! I'm not good enough, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not educated enough, I'm not talented enough, I'm blah blah blah.
The realisation tonight was that Trudy is just as (if not more so) shy as me, and perhaps may have been waiting for me to break the ice! Maybe she was thinking the same things about me that I was about her. It's possible that we could have been quite good friends, if not for 'us' getting in the way. She is about to move overseas for a few years with her family so we just may never know.
It doesn't really matter, and this is certainly not about 'what might have been', or if-only's.... This is about me realising that not all people are outgoing extroverts, wanting to strike up a friendship with me. Some people are quite shy and introverted and might like to get to know me, but struggle with the same thing I do - what will I say? what will we talk about? what do we have in common?
I need to get over myself a bit more, and just bite the bullet and talk.

Do you see me?

Last weekend I read a book on my Kindle that has had me thinking a lot during the week. It was Divorced, Desperate and Dating. It was very, very hot and heavy in places – I’ve commented to a couple of friends that I felt the need to have a cigarette in a few places! Of course I didn’t.... (I haven’t smoked since I was 21). I wouldn’t normally go for what my niece termed ‘mummy porn’ but the story was very well written with a murder-mystery theme.

The conclusion that I’ve come to in my musings this week is that books like this are aimed at the need in us women that we want to be noticed, we want to be ‘seen’. In the way the Na’avi on Pandora (Avatar movie) have a greeting that says “I see you”. To be really, truly, seen. From the depths of our souls to the superficial cover of our bodies.

I also think the movie The Wedding Date reaches for this connection with women. Debra Messing’s character pays a gigilo to accompany her to her sister’s wedding in London. She pays $6,000 so that her ex-fiancé believes she doesn’t miss him, or want him back. Of course the story line is predictable with the gigilo (the very spunky Dermott Mulroney) falling in love with her. My favourite scene in the movie is where he makes her feel all woozy by NOT kissing her – not quite, that is! Another moment to reach for the cigarette packet! The premise of the movie though, is that a woman may not be desirable on the outside (or feel that she is) but if she could just get a guy to spend enough time with her he would fall in love with her when he ‘sees’ her.

Another movie, A Walk To Remember, has the lead female, a very straight-shooting teenage daughter of a pastor, agreeing to tutor a hot young jock who’s a naughty boy. She agrees to tutor him but first makes him promise he won’t fall in love with her! Now there’s a girl who understands this whole thing. Regardless of the outside packaging, if you spend enough time with someone and get to ‘see’ them you are likely to fall in love with them.

So, what about girl-guy friendships? Girls being best friends with guys? Who knows. I sure don’t. I’ve had my share of guy best-friends. In my experience the romance/long term relationship thing always got in the way at some point. And it’s usually one person who’s happy with the way things are and the other wants it to be different and that presents a dead-end for the friendship. I’ve been on both sides of this scenario and neither are easy.

Anyway, I think it just comes back to women wanting to know that someone notices them and this leads to them feeling they’re a significant person in the world, not just one speck amongst 6 billion others. John and Staci Eldridge talk about this beautifully in Captivating. The underlying question for girls/women is “Do you see me?”, “Am I lovely?”. I remember Princess S asking me this as she twirled around in a dress when she was three years old! “Am I lovely Mummy?”. Some of us feel that we don’t ever really get that question answered to our satisfaction. And it drives a subconscious searching.

Like the facebook status that says “Sometimes your knight in shining armour is just a retard in tin foil” my knight turned out to be something far different from what I was expecting.

Colin Buchanan, tv and birthday - what a mix!

Listened to some Colin Buchanan music tonight with the girls and BFF. I'd forgotten how funny and clever he is. If you haven't heard his music there is a little bit on YouTube. Bringing back a few memories of times we listened to it in the car on long trips before D and I separated.
It also reminded me of some tv shows that I don't watch any more. D and I used to enjoy watching Spicks n Specks and RockWiz but they just aren't the same to watch on your own, so I don't watch them any more. Funny, isn't it?! ...or not. Some things in life are just not much fun on your own.
Madame I turned 10 today. She's such a beautiful young lady. She had a couple of friends come and we went out to a restaurant for tea then a sleepover. One of her friends said "wow, menu's. I've never been in a restaurant with menu's before" I think what she meant was that they weren't just laminated sheets, but were in a nice folder. The girls were just lovely to be with and we all had a great night. When we got home they played on their Nintendo DS's together and watched a movie....I went to bed at 11pm and they finally came up to bed just before 2am! So I did the parenting bit and told them it was time to be quiet and go to sleep, and they did. Then Madame I woke up at 7:30am and woke the other 2 up! after only about 5 hours sleep... So tonight I sent them to bed at 6:30pm! Thank goodness for winter sunsets at 5:30 or whatever it is. Pitch dark at 6:30. They are both sound asleep now and it's only 7:20pm. :-)

Easter's coming

Well, it has been a while, hasn't it?! I guess that means life has been cruising along a bit....and I haven't really had much time to blog.
I'm working now in two jobs, one office job 2 days a week which I love and the other cleaning our church which, to be honest, I don't love but it's pretty easy as far as cleaning jobs go - no bathrooms or toilets! I'm still studying but have dropped back to 1 subject at a time. I finished a Gender subject called Defining Women which I really enjoyed - and got a Distinction for! That's 4 Distinctions, 1 Credit and 1 Pass so far. Not bad! Now I'm doing Statistics in which we use a computer program for all the hard work, so it's all about understanding the figures and knowing how to get them. I really like it, and have grasped the concepts fairly well. I did enjoy maths in high school, so it's good to do something that doesn't require researching and essay writing.
On the home front, I think I realised this morning that I haven't forgiven D (still!) and that I don't actually want good things for him. I am premenstrual (sorry - more info than some of you need) and I know that has some impact on how I feel about things.
I wonder if I'll ever sincerely want good things for him? I resent everything he does, because....I'm not really sure why. Because he's not my husband anymore and I still grieve that, because he couldn't pull himself together for my sake or for the sake of our girls when we were married so why does he do it now?, because sometimes I feel really trapped being a single mum - still haven't been accepted for any new rental properties even though my income is pretty good, I feel like I'm never going to be partnered again because as a single mum I have baggage and am hard work. Most days this stuff doesn't bother me much, but every now and then I feel very alone. I realise how difficult it is to be the only one in the house who can cook tea, do the dishes, do housework, pay the bills, take the kids to school and pick them up, do the shopping. I really miss having another adult to do some of those things sometimes. Experience tells me this will pass, and in another week or so (hopefully) I'll feel refreshed and more positive.
Thank goodness it's Easter and there's a great excuse to eat lots of chocolate!
The girls will be with D for Easter, and I'm staying in Adelaide for the weekend - church still needs to be cleaned! So I've organised a brekkie at a nice hotel on Saturday morning and then a day of geocaching which I'm really looking forward to. (I'm planting some caches especially for it during the week, with the help of a very experienced friend). It'll be nice to be out with friends for the day. If you'd like to come with us drop me a line and I'll give you the details.
Well, that's it for now I think. Some good stuff, some not so good stuff, I guess that's just life!

Happy Australia Day

Firstly, happy birthday to my sister, JI and my nephew, DJ, who both have the privelige of being born on Australia Day. JI and her family are celebrating on a cruise somewhere on the ocean....today she reaches a milestone birthday!

My current subject at uni (I'm only doing one now with 3 part-time jobs!) is to do with women's liberation, history, equality, stuff like that. It seems rather significant that on Australia Day (I'm very behind in my readings) I'm reading about the disparity in the Feminist movement between white Australian women and Aboriginal women. Reading the history of all this has just got me thinking quite a bit about Australia Day, what we (white Australians) celebrate, and how the Aboriginal people might feel about it all.

We celebrate the plonking of the English flag on soil at Sydney Cove in 1788. What I don't ever remember being taught in history lessons at school (but that Wikipedia is quite happy to explain to me) is that the First Fleet tried to settle in Botany Bay but it wasn't suitable, so they looked further north and found Sydney Cove. The 'scouting' boat then went back to Botany Bay to tell the rest of the First Fleet that they would all be moving north. The weather was against them and they couldn't get out of Botany Bay....and while they were trying, the French boats Astrolabe and Bousolle appeared at the entrance - French trying to get in, English trying to get out. So now the race was on - who would plant their flag first? As we know the English won that little battle. Who knew we were so close to being a French nation?! How is it that I'm 40 years old before I know this?

Wikipedia states that between 21-23 January Captain Phillip and a few officers 'also had some contact with the local aborigines' on their scouting mission. What does that mean? Was it a meaningful exchange? Or was that when the stuff-that-we-don't-like-to-talk-about started?

When I read history books that detail what actually happened to the Aboriginal people from that moment on (and some of it is still happening today) I feel very ashamed of my white, English heritage. The early settlers fed information back to the Mother Land that Australia was "terra nullius' - an uninhabited land, so that they could claim everything they found as belonging to England. What bastards!!! No wonder the Aborigines have had such a fight on their hands to get some of their land back!

So, whilst I am fiercely proud to be an Australian, I also realise we have a very dark past that still reaches into the present.

(images are from wikipedia)

Our hospital visit

You might want to get a coffee first - this is a very long post!
Last night Princess S had another fainting spell/seizure - it seems to still be rather unclear as to what it really is. The girls were cleaning their teeth with the apparently obligatory laughing and so on, when Princess S had once of her coughs, then a huge vomit (mostly on the bathroom floor, thankfully) then fell to the ground. When I got to her a nano second later she was very blue from the bottom of her nose to her chin, vomit all round her mouth, arched back....I tried to roll her onto her side because of all the vomit, but she was as stiff as a board and wouldn't be rolled anywhere. We called the ambulance and waited. She came round while I was on the phone to the operator and gasped for breath and I could then roll her onto her side. It was very full-on and some aspects of it seemed to happen so fast, while others seemed to drag on forever. We decided on taking her to hospital to be checked, mostly because this 'spell' was different from the other 3 she's had in that this time she wasn't in extreme distress before hand. She'd had worse coughing fits in the past few weeks and she'd vomited from coughing as well, without having the same outcome. She was terrified of going in the ambulance, and of going to the hospital. I overrode her fears and off we went.
Typically the (male) ambulance driver headed off in the wrong direction, having no idea of the easiest/most sensible way to head south....and I assumed we were going to the Women's & Children's in the city. I asked them if that's where we were going and the driver responded with a mumbled..."I thought I could turn right back there....". When we got to the hospital we had to wait (with her on a bed) in the corridor next to the triage nurse's station. On the way I'd sent a text to D so that he knew, and he said he'd come once he'd finished work, which he did.
A couple of really, really funny things happened which helped lighten the mood somewhat. We were near (across the end of) a set of 3 bays with patients in them. One had a very large woman (patient) with two (also very large) female visitors. Then, along came another 3 very large women, one with a walking stick, to make sure everything was ok - presumably family as they all looked very much alike. When this woman was taken to x-ray all 5 of them started following! The nurse suggested they could wait for her to return. So 3 of them waddled (and I'm not kidding - they looked like a bunch of ducks) they waddled to a set of 3 seats at the far end of the corridor, near the vending machine, and squeezed their rather generous bodies into the seats. They looked like some kind of caricature sitting there together. When the patient returned from x-ray they all waddled back down the corridor to stand by her bedside....and there is barely enough room for one visitor to sit on a chair in the cubicles, let alone 5 very large women! When finally they wheeled the patient through into the Emergency dept D and I looked at each other and burst out laughing! It was just so funny.
The other funny thing - we arrived at the hospital just before 8:00pm. We finally went around to the paediatric emergency section at about 11:00pm and it was midnight before we saw a doctor for the first time. You do expect a long wait when you go there, but apparently the paed. dr rostered on last night called in sick! So 'general' emergency dr's were seeing the kids and calling down the paed registrar when needeed. So in walked this moderately hansome youngish man and when he started to talk I felt like I was in Notting Hill, About a Boy and Bridget Jones' Diary all at the same time - he sounded exactly like Hugh Grant! Didn't really look like him, but if I just closed my eyes I could swoon quite happily! But it did make it hard to take him seriously....Then he called down the paed registrar who came at about 1:00am and spend a long time with us, going through what had happened and what they could tell so far (which wasn't much). She was a lovely lady/girl "Dr Bec" and the funny thing was that she sounded exactly like our children's pastor, CW, when she talked! It was just so bizarre. She was just brilliant with Princess S and even coaxed her into allowing them to prick her finger to get some blood - the slightest suggestion of this in the past has resulted in screaming immediately. Sometimes it's best to just step back and let complete strangers do the talking....
Anyway, we eventually went up to the refurbished paed ward at about 2:00am at which time D went home. The new ward is just amazing! It's like a hotel! Very impressive. They have a circular nurse's desk and near the floor there's a port-hole cut out, one in each side and there's a fish tank behind the port-hole. How very clever! So we were very comfortable and finally climbed into bed at 2:30am.
The upshot this morning was that apparently about 10% of people who have recurring fainting episodes have a small seizure at the end of their faint. It's possible that Princess S is in the 10%. They also said the nasal swab that was done at the GP's for whooping cough last week wasn't done properly and could be a false negative, so this morning they took another swab from the back of her throat and are testing it now. It is still very unclear what the trigger was last night, as her other episodes have all had very obvious triggers. So the dr has ordered an EEG which couldn't be done today so we'll go back for that when they send us an appointment time. The Consultant said that even if it is some form of epilepsy they wouldn't consider preventative medication at this point, until such a time as she was having them every couple of months and it was being disruptive to day-to-day life. I'm pretty happy with that. The other trick is that EEG's are not always accurate in picking up epilepsy. So really the only clear answer we have so far is that we need a first aid plan for when this happens, which will include (depending on the severity) an ambulance and possible hospital visit.
It really was a scary experience, much more so than the other times this has happened. I'm so thankful my friend T was there to help with Madame I (who was very distressed at all that was happening), and BFF was coming as well and arrived after the ambulance got here. We were going to have a 'girl's night', but that soon changed....
Onward and upward....hope you survived the epic blog! Must be time for a trip to the loo now you've finished your coffee....lol

A Walk To Remember

I just watched a movie tonight called A Walk To Remember, at the recommendation of my niece GN. It was a great movie, very touching, romantic, funny, a little bit predictable but was so heartwarming I could almost overlook the predictability.
My favourite line in the movie: a young girl who is the local 'dork' preacher's daughter is asked by one of the 'hotshots' of school to help him with a project after school. In all seriousness she says to him "ok, but you have to promise you won't fall in love with me". Classic! If only more of us girls had that sort of confidence; that if only a guy would spend enough time with me he would naturally fall in love with me.

I wish I was more like her.

The Divorce Hearing

I went to court this morning for the divorce hearing. It's quite an intimidating atmosphere. My best friend (BFF) came with me for moral support and D had decided not to attend. As I'd lodged the papers I had to be there, but he didn't. When we walked into the court room there were two other women there with their support people - one had her mum with her, the other had her dad with her. I'm not quite sure how it all started but we actually started making jokes and having a really good laugh with each other. I decided it would be a great place to meet people and get a brief run down of their marriage and write a book about it! It was quite funny. The girl in front said she wished she'd listened to her dad when he told her not to marry the guy. And then she said they had to do 'lessons' with a pastor (it seemed they were not church-attending folk) so they could get married. She said "I guess I should have seen the writing on the wall when, at the end of our lessons, the pastor said to my husband 'I'm sure you're actually not as arrogant and rude as you pretend to be' ". And the other lady said when they were driving into the church grounds on the day of her wedding her dad looked at her and said "we can keep going if you like, and not go in". Ah, hindsight is a wonderful thing. But I do wonder how many marriages start out with people close to either the bride or groom telling them they shouldn't go through with it. I do know of one such marriage and the person, not having the courage to pull out on the day, went through with it and it only lasted a few months.
Anyway, I was expecting to be terrified most of the time this morning, and perhaps a little emotional, but instead I was crying from laughing so much. It was also uncomfortably quiet while we were waiting for the Registrar to come in. BFF whispered to me that it would be a good idea to have music playing, to ease people's nerves. I suggested they could have a juke box, and you could request songs - like the song you danced to at your wedding! Then you could really say goodbye to it!
Another interesting thing that I noted was that there were 10 groups of divorce applicants in the room and only 1 of them was a man! I wonder what that says about men's commitment to their marriages... There was one guy who had lodged an appeal about his divorce but couldn't be there cos he "had to be at work" so they rang him on his mobile so the Registrar could talk to him. He said that he married her 'forever' and still believed they could reconcile and as they married in a church, on religious grounds he didn't accept the divorce! The Registrar was very patient with him for a while, listening to him crap on....then she got pretty impatient with him and said "I have a court room full of people and I need to move on, so what do you want?!" It was funny in a sad kind of way, cos pretty much everyone in the room (I think) was thinking the same thing, "This guy's a nutter, and if he still loves his wife he's obviously not very good at communicating that to her, and besides all that, he's just a dickhead". One of the ladies we'd been laughing with earlier whispered across the aisle to me "sounds like my husband - she (the Registrar) should just hang up on him!" So, for me it was a very sad morning because I am very sad that my marriage has ended, but given the circumstances I'm glad I've been able to end it. But it was also a very funny morning, in a very irreverent way. I think whenever I think about this morning, what I'll remember will be the irreverent jokes and giggling and that's a good thing.
Oh, and the Registrar (who is like a Magistrate) talks to the one filing for divorce about arrangements with the children to make sure it's all ok. She talked to me about Madame I first, but misread her name and used the male variation (with an O at the end instead of an A) and referred to 'him'. I actually corrected her and said "he is a she"....it was another kind of funny moment, and I don't think I'll share that information with Madame I.
So, come January 9th I will legally be single again.

Divorce Hearing

Last night around the tea table I was talking to the girls about the divorce, and that I'm going to a hearing this morning. It started because I told them they need to be ready early for school this morning cos I need to be in town at about 9 for an appointment. Madame I, being ever-curious, asked what the appointment was so I told them. Princess S offers her little bit in a very bright and bubbly voice "Cos it is broken like Humpty Dumpty". Well, I guess she understands that reconciliation isn't on the agenda! It was so nice to laugh with them about it.
That's all for now.

Computers and rocks

It's been a while - I tried to post something a couple of weeks ago and there was some kind of glitch with the website and it wouldn't let me upload it. So I've been sulking since then.
For some time now when I turn on my computer I have been getting 2 pop ups telling me some obscure .dll files are missing. It's not been a big deal, but just annoying every time I turn it on. Also when I'd turn it off some process would 'hang' as only Microsoft products can and I'd have to 'end task' so it would shut down. So I decided to actually legally purchase the required operating system (XP Pro) and Office so that I could reformat the hard drive and have a clean system.
It was a fairly lengthy process in the end. I have a second hard drive (internal) in the pc which is 75GB, and the original hard drive which is only about 40GB (hence keeping all my documents and photos on the extra hard drive). I had to copy all the info (documents, photos- lots, and music - lots) onto my laptop via a 4GB pen drive. This took a few hours just in itself. Then I tried to just reinstall XP through the start up process via the disk. It didn't work, just reinstalled XP without actually reformatting the drives.
So I did what all good hackers (ie novelists, not experts!) do, and I googled 'reformat hard drive'. Thank goodness for all those geeks out there who spend hours writing stuff on the net for thick heads like me! I followed the instructions for reformatting the extra drive first, then the original hard drive was reformatted via the start up process with a bit of 'tweaking'. It worked like a charm!
The only issue I had was that in reformatting, my computer then didn't recognise any audio devices so my speakers wouldn't work. This is a considerable issue for me as I don't have a stereo, I have iTunes with really good speakers on my pc. Eventually last night (with a bit of advice from my very patient nephew, B, I found the right drivers and installed them and hey presto! my speakers now work.
The other 'funny' thing - and I mean funny in the way that you do when you talk about Microsoft! the other funny thing that happened was a couple of days after the reformat the automatic updates downloaded Service Pack 3 for XP Pro. No big deal, always happy to have the latest version of what I'm using. Except that once it had installed and then restarted (cos you can't use ANY Microsoft products without restarting the computer first) the two missing .dll file messages were back! OMG!!!!! So it was SP3 that caused my problems in the first place!!!!!
Of course, I googled the exact message I was getting and discoveed it was indeed from SP3 and it was to do with the USB wireless receiver I use. So I followed the instructions to download a file from the D-Link website and hey presto! no more error messages!!!
I'm feeling prreeeetttttyyy happy with myself! And my computer is running like a dream (except I'm still in the process of loading all the music into iTunes, although I did find a new feature in it today that makes it a bit easier - of course I did, cos it's not a Microsoft product!!)
And I can hear a couple of my friends in particular (I shall not name names in this forum!) who are screaming at me JUST GET A MAC. Yes, I know, I wouldn't have any of these problems if I had a Mac. But there would be some things I still couldn't do as 'cleanly' as I can with a pc. And I can't afford one. So I shall settle with being a genius on my own pc. (kind of like being a legend in my own lunch box)
And now for the rocks.... Princess S has been collecting rocks. Plain, ordinary, gravel type rocks. And she's been stuffing them in the pockets of her school uniform (dress or shorts), bringing them home (bulging all the way) and carefully placing them in her jewellery box! I've asked her why she collects them and she said it's because they're all different, and some are bumpy and some are smooth, some are orange and some are white. I guess that's fair enough. But for a girl who really is a bit of a princess, and values 'beautiful' things in life like jewellery and accessorising her clothes, I find it very oxymoronic that she is fascinated by rocks! At the very least, I find it amusing. And she gets them out all the time and looks through them all! They don't fit just in her jewellery box anymore cos she's got too many, so now they're in a tin as well and she's trying to work out what else she's got that she can put them in! It's just so funny.
I do wonder if she has some latent pscyhological issue....but I guess we won't know that for a few years yet! (just joking)

Job applications

Having decided that I need a part-time job to help with cash flow, I've started the search and apply process. I've applied for one in a community service organisation close to the girl's school and home, and am nervously waiting for an interview. Today I completed my first government application in a very long time. Man, they take so long to do! The hope is, of course, that you can copy and paste a lot of what they want from other positions you've applied for. But getting that first one done is really hard work.
Thanks to my wonderful (and government-employed) sister TE I have completed my first application, and I have to say I think I sound pretty wonderful, articulate, intelligent and wise! Time will tell....the waiting is certainly a painful process, and I have a couple of others to do now as well.
Isn't it nice to have some great spring weather?! I have thoroughly enjoyed our winter this year, being lovely and cold and very wet. But it is nice to feel the warmth of the sun when you go outside, and still have those gentle cool breezes. I'd be quite happy for the weather to stay like this until autumn next year.
The girls are loving their Friday night netball competition. Madame I's team is in a comp that is one level too high for them, so have not had a win yet, although they came close last Friday night. She is a great little defender and is learning that her position is just as valuable as the goal shooter. Princess S seems to be somewhat lacking in a netball intuition....she'll throw the ball to a team mate and then just stand there - as though that's all she needs to do to contribute to the game! I've tried to remind her that she needs to run (doesn't happen often with her normally anyway!) with the play and keep up so they can throw the ball to her again, but she just doesn't seem to get it. It's quite funny observing myself at her games because all I want to do is yell at her to run, jump, put your hands up, etc. but we're not allowed to do that! So I encourage gently and celebrate with her when her team wins. Maybe she'll catch on, maybe she won't, we'll see.

The D word

I've been quite surprised over the last few days by my emotions. I emailed D to let him know the divorce papers would be coming and his response triggered a tsunami of emotions that totally caught me off guard. I can hear you ask, wow, he must have really gone off his tree....what did he say?
Well, his response was "Not so much of a shock, been resigned to it now."
It was a real anti-climax. I felt quite deflated. Then later I experienced a flood of grief. Being the analytical person I am, I started probing my reaction to find the trigger. I realised that I had wanted D to fight for me. I wanted him to fight against his 'issues' and fight for me. I've been waiting for him to do this since I found out what he'd been up to, nearly a year ago. But all I've gotten from him has been lies, and empty platitudes about how sorry he is, and reasons why he thinks I've contributed to our marriage breakdown. So I'm left feeling a bit abandoned by him.
I have to say, I'm ok. I'm not in the depths of depression. I do feel sad and I've had a time of letting the grief out. But I am 'together' and coping. I have just been so shocked by my reaction to him finally accepting what is happening.
I had a chat with a very dear friend yesterday about it and she reassured me that whatever you feel is what you feel, it's not right or wrong and you can't predict how you're going to react. Just go with it. So thanks L, you're a great friend and I'm really glad we've gotten to know each other.
More to come....

Nearly 12 months

Next week will mark the 12month 'anniversary' of my separation from D. I've been looking forward (in a funny kind of way) to this moment so that I can get some closure and 'move on' emotionally.
Now that's it almost here it is a bit overwhelming. I've filled in the divorce papers and have them ready to be notarised and lodged next Thursday. I just sent D an email to forewarn him that they will be coming cos I'm pretty sure he will be devastated by it.
I can feel all the grief and sadness and hurt flooding back again. It's quite surreal. I'll have to remember to be gentle with myself in the coming days and weeks I guess.