Well, it has been a while, hasn't it?! I guess that means life has been cruising along a bit....and I haven't really had much time to blog.
I'm working now in two jobs, one office job 2 days a week which I love and the other cleaning our church which, to be honest, I don't love but it's pretty easy as far as cleaning jobs go - no bathrooms or toilets! I'm still studying but have dropped back to 1 subject at a time. I finished a Gender subject called Defining Women which I really enjoyed - and got a Distinction for! That's 4 Distinctions, 1 Credit and 1 Pass so far. Not bad! Now I'm doing Statistics in which we use a computer program for all the hard work, so it's all about understanding the figures and knowing how to get them. I really like it, and have grasped the concepts fairly well. I did enjoy maths in high school, so it's good to do something that doesn't require researching and essay writing.
On the home front, I think I realised this morning that I haven't forgiven D (still!) and that I don't actually want good things for him. I am premenstrual (sorry - more info than some of you need) and I know that has some impact on how I feel about things.
I wonder if I'll ever sincerely want good things for him? I resent everything he does, because....I'm not really sure why. Because he's not my husband anymore and I still grieve that, because he couldn't pull himself together for my sake or for the sake of our girls when we were married so why does he do it now?, because sometimes I feel really trapped being a single mum - still haven't been accepted for any new rental properties even though my income is pretty good, I feel like I'm never going to be partnered again because as a single mum I have baggage and am hard work. Most days this stuff doesn't bother me much, but every now and then I feel very alone. I realise how difficult it is to be the only one in the house who can cook tea, do the dishes, do housework, pay the bills, take the kids to school and pick them up, do the shopping. I really miss having another adult to do some of those things sometimes. Experience tells me this will pass, and in another week or so (hopefully) I'll feel refreshed and more positive.
Thank goodness it's Easter and there's a great excuse to eat lots of chocolate!
The girls will be with D for Easter, and I'm staying in Adelaide for the weekend - church still needs to be cleaned! So I've organised a brekkie at a nice hotel on Saturday morning and then a day of geocaching which I'm really looking forward to. (I'm planting some caches especially for it during the week, with the help of a very experienced friend). It'll be nice to be out with friends for the day. If you'd like to come with us drop me a line and I'll give you the details.
Well, that's it for now I think. Some good stuff, some not so good stuff, I guess that's just life!
Showing posts with label forgiveness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label forgiveness. Show all posts
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
I'm in the new house
Hi again. I got my internet connection yesterday (Monday) so now there's no stopping me....well, using the internet is stopping me from unpacking, but there you go. I'm now connected to Naked DSL with Adam Internet. It means I don't have to have a phone connection with Telstra at all. YIPEE!! I use the existing phone line and have an internet connection through it. Then I use a special modem where my normal telephone can plug into it and all my phone calls are via the internet line (even when my computer isn't turned on). Now I can make untimed national and local calls for 12cents each! If I ever get to know anyone overseas then apparently the calls are much cheaper to them too. Anyway, I'm happy to have it all back on again, and very happy to not have to deal with Telstra anymore.
The move went really really well. I had a heap of people from my church help me move furniture on Saturday- 7 other people in fact. On Friday night BF (this means best friend by the way, not boy friend!!) and two other friends from church came to help me unpack the kitchen stuff. My sister and niece and Mum and another friend had come in the afternoon as well so most of the kitchen was unpacked already. By the time we had tea and were ready to unpack, the power still wasn't on.....after a few phone calls, some wine and lots of laughing and story telling one of the girls flicked the safety switch (which I had tried to do earlier in the day and it wouldn't move for me....) and the power came on! at 11:30pm!!!! Of course it was too late to do any work by then but at least the power was working. We had a really great night of just talking, as women often do, and it was a nice way to 'christen' my new home.
I've also had lots of people make meals for us and even one fantastic lady who brought lunch to us on Saturday and provided a huge spread to some very tired workers. I was very thankful that the forecast temp. from earlier in the week of 37C got revised and it was only 32C I think on the day.
Tomorrow I have the last day at the old house doing the 'big clean'. Some other lovely ladies from church have offered to come and help me with the cleaning which I'm VERY thankful for. Then later in the afternoon I hand the keys back to the agent and it's all done.
I do have a new back yard which is still fairly cluttered with boxes that I still have to unpack and find homes for the contents. This is the great thing about moving house in summer, you can leave stuff outside overnight and it's fine! I think we've done almost all of our moves in the cooler months previously.
It was a very emotional time at the old house, packing up the last remnants from the bathroom cupboard and taking the box out to the car. The house looked so odd being empty. We've been in that house for nearly 3 years, so Princess S has spent half her life there! There have been lots of happy times there, and of course there have also been the worst times particularly in the last few months. Looking at the empty house I thought "like our possessions that used to fill this house, the marriage is now gone completely". It really took me by surprise. It's so final. I will have a (little) time of grieving - probably until tomorrow afternoon when I hand the keys back and walk away from it.
It really is nice to be in a new home and set things up the way I want, and to keep the things that I really want to keep. I have had to get rid of a lot more things since arriving here as the house is really quite small and there's just no way it's all going to fit - and I guess I actually don't want to keep everything anyway. It's been a really positive time of realising that I can do this, being a single Mum, moving house, getting rid of excess stuff (even some Tupperware!!!) and looking to the future to establish who we are now.
The girls seem to be coping pretty well. Madame I had a bit of a tough time last week with all the changes, and I think we were all in a bit of a heatwave hangover (like most of Adelaide). She has picked up a bit this week, though still needs lots of patience for now. Princess S is just happy and seems to find joy in pretty much everything. It's a lovely environment here (a group of 6 units) and we have a really lovely neighbour who we'd actually met at her workplace a little while ago! And it turns out I know her sister-in-law too.... small world!
I start online university in a couple of weeks so I need to get organised around here so that I can get my head around all that.
Have been able to have some good chats with D lately too which is good. Even though he was looking for a miracle in us reconciling, I think the miracle is that I now don't hate him (ie don't want to stick sharp scissors into his eyes, or cut off his you-know-what anymore). I think the fact that we can have reasonable, amicable, almost friendly chats is quite a miracle and I'm very thankful for that. I'm really thankful that I am able to forgive and don't have to be caught up in bitterness and hatred for the rest of my life. I know I will still have days every now and then where I'll be looking for the sharp scissors.....but that's normal and healthy and it's not 'where I live' it's just 'where I visit'.
So here's to a new start, and the closing of a whole series of chapters in my life. Cheers!
The move went really really well. I had a heap of people from my church help me move furniture on Saturday- 7 other people in fact. On Friday night BF (this means best friend by the way, not boy friend!!) and two other friends from church came to help me unpack the kitchen stuff. My sister and niece and Mum and another friend had come in the afternoon as well so most of the kitchen was unpacked already. By the time we had tea and were ready to unpack, the power still wasn't on.....after a few phone calls, some wine and lots of laughing and story telling one of the girls flicked the safety switch (which I had tried to do earlier in the day and it wouldn't move for me....) and the power came on! at 11:30pm!!!! Of course it was too late to do any work by then but at least the power was working. We had a really great night of just talking, as women often do, and it was a nice way to 'christen' my new home.
I've also had lots of people make meals for us and even one fantastic lady who brought lunch to us on Saturday and provided a huge spread to some very tired workers. I was very thankful that the forecast temp. from earlier in the week of 37C got revised and it was only 32C I think on the day.
Tomorrow I have the last day at the old house doing the 'big clean'. Some other lovely ladies from church have offered to come and help me with the cleaning which I'm VERY thankful for. Then later in the afternoon I hand the keys back to the agent and it's all done.
I do have a new back yard which is still fairly cluttered with boxes that I still have to unpack and find homes for the contents. This is the great thing about moving house in summer, you can leave stuff outside overnight and it's fine! I think we've done almost all of our moves in the cooler months previously.
It was a very emotional time at the old house, packing up the last remnants from the bathroom cupboard and taking the box out to the car. The house looked so odd being empty. We've been in that house for nearly 3 years, so Princess S has spent half her life there! There have been lots of happy times there, and of course there have also been the worst times particularly in the last few months. Looking at the empty house I thought "like our possessions that used to fill this house, the marriage is now gone completely". It really took me by surprise. It's so final. I will have a (little) time of grieving - probably until tomorrow afternoon when I hand the keys back and walk away from it.
It really is nice to be in a new home and set things up the way I want, and to keep the things that I really want to keep. I have had to get rid of a lot more things since arriving here as the house is really quite small and there's just no way it's all going to fit - and I guess I actually don't want to keep everything anyway. It's been a really positive time of realising that I can do this, being a single Mum, moving house, getting rid of excess stuff (even some Tupperware!!!) and looking to the future to establish who we are now.
The girls seem to be coping pretty well. Madame I had a bit of a tough time last week with all the changes, and I think we were all in a bit of a heatwave hangover (like most of Adelaide). She has picked up a bit this week, though still needs lots of patience for now. Princess S is just happy and seems to find joy in pretty much everything. It's a lovely environment here (a group of 6 units) and we have a really lovely neighbour who we'd actually met at her workplace a little while ago! And it turns out I know her sister-in-law too.... small world!
I start online university in a couple of weeks so I need to get organised around here so that I can get my head around all that.
Have been able to have some good chats with D lately too which is good. Even though he was looking for a miracle in us reconciling, I think the miracle is that I now don't hate him (ie don't want to stick sharp scissors into his eyes, or cut off his you-know-what anymore). I think the fact that we can have reasonable, amicable, almost friendly chats is quite a miracle and I'm very thankful for that. I'm really thankful that I am able to forgive and don't have to be caught up in bitterness and hatred for the rest of my life. I know I will still have days every now and then where I'll be looking for the sharp scissors.....but that's normal and healthy and it's not 'where I live' it's just 'where I visit'.
So here's to a new start, and the closing of a whole series of chapters in my life. Cheers!
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