Last night after the netball clinic (that's where I was going with this to start with, and I got a bit side-tracked!) Madame I had a bit of a melt-down at home. I don't really know what started it or triggered it but she just got overwhelmed by a lot of things and was yelling at me and Princess S and getting pretty out of control. When she's like this I don't usually handle it very well because I'm human, and I get tired too, and stressed, and yesterday in particular I was feeling one of those 'lonely times' that happen every now and then. So I got grumpy with her and she got worse (of course). Eventually we sat together on the couch and fighting everything inside of me I put my arm around her and told her that I just don't know how to help her sometimes. She started to calm down and went to bed still a bit teary. Then she called me into the bedroom and said "You're the best mum a girl could ask for". Wow! I think she must have read that in a book somewhere....I certainly don't feel that it's true, and it isn't the sort of thing she would normally say. But, it was really lovely to hear it and it helped her to calm down and move on so it's all good!
I think I'm done now ;-)
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Turning 40 and new beginnings
My last post I was so distracted by inappropriate flowers that I forgot to say how great my birthday party was! It really was great, and I'm so glad I did it. It was the first time that all my sisters have been together EVER without husbands and kids (well, since my oldest sister left home and she was about 14 or something at the time) so that's about 35 years! I was a little concerned how my sisters and my friends would get along as there are some fairly strong personalities in my family, but it was just great. Everyone got along really well (a bit too well perhaps?!). It was a really relaxing time for me, and I felt very loved and affirmed. I took along my video camera and we had a kind of 'diary room' and most of the girls recorded a message for me. This was just great and I've had a good laugh (and a tear or two) watching that a couple of times. There seems to be a bit of demand for me to turn 40 again next year so we can do it again, so we'll see.
Yesterday I had a rather strange encounter. The girls have started doing a netball clinic with a local club. They're very excited about it, and may play in a summer competition with this club which is just great (quite frankly, anything that gets Princess S moving at anything beyond a walk is worth the money!). I bumped into a girl there who I knew from our CAFS group (I know it's called CYH but CAFS is much easier to say). I haven't seen this girl since Madame I was probably 18months old. Her daughter is doing the clinic as well. [an important note is that I mentioned I'd just turned 40 and she said I didn't look anywhere near 40! just a little ego-stroke] We spent a little bit of time reminiscing about the new mum's group and I was then remembering what I was like then. I had a difficult baby (she was beautiful - my sister TM called her the porcelain princess - but a horror to look after). I couldn't calm her by holding her, I couldn't get her to sleep and even rocking her in my arms I couldn't get her to sleep (all this now makes sense with the Asperger's diagnosis but at the time I had no idea). It was funny cos this friend (who actually had twins at the time, one is a boy) has since had two more children. She commented that 'we had no idea what we were doing did we?!' and she is right. I had no confidence as a mum, and added into the mix was that I think I was depressed and not treated for it for another 2 years or so, and D was at Uni and took the car so I didn't have any transport! Typically self-less of him....NOT. What a mess. When I look back at 'me' then, I feel like I'm a completely different person now. I feel like I now have a sense of who I am, I feel so much more mature and confident about myself and my place in the world.
This actually shocked me, that I'm so much more confident now. Especially considering the last year I would have expected to feel less confident if anything but I don't.
A friend at school said to me last week "turning 40 is a dangerous age for the people around you, cos you just don't give a s**t anymore". We had a good laugh at this, but it is true I think. And then combine turning 40 with leaving a 10-year marriage! Look out world, here I come!
I'm really thankful for the last year - it's actually been 10months since D and I separated. This experience has helped me grow so much, and work out who I am and what I want in life and from life. I'm not sure if I ever really want to be in another relationship. There's always the romantic notions of having someone to share your life with and someone to cuddle (and other benefits as well :-) and someone to share the bills and responsibility. But I am actually quite content most of the time on my own. I like the relationship I have with my girls and not having to share them with anyone else, and not having to be the peace-maker anymore.
So, whatever the future has I think I'm ready for it and looking forward to it. I'm facing the future with a smile on my face.
Yesterday I had a rather strange encounter. The girls have started doing a netball clinic with a local club. They're very excited about it, and may play in a summer competition with this club which is just great (quite frankly, anything that gets Princess S moving at anything beyond a walk is worth the money!). I bumped into a girl there who I knew from our CAFS group (I know it's called CYH but CAFS is much easier to say). I haven't seen this girl since Madame I was probably 18months old. Her daughter is doing the clinic as well. [an important note is that I mentioned I'd just turned 40 and she said I didn't look anywhere near 40! just a little ego-stroke] We spent a little bit of time reminiscing about the new mum's group and I was then remembering what I was like then. I had a difficult baby (she was beautiful - my sister TM called her the porcelain princess - but a horror to look after). I couldn't calm her by holding her, I couldn't get her to sleep and even rocking her in my arms I couldn't get her to sleep (all this now makes sense with the Asperger's diagnosis but at the time I had no idea). It was funny cos this friend (who actually had twins at the time, one is a boy) has since had two more children. She commented that 'we had no idea what we were doing did we?!' and she is right. I had no confidence as a mum, and added into the mix was that I think I was depressed and not treated for it for another 2 years or so, and D was at Uni and took the car so I didn't have any transport! Typically self-less of him....NOT. What a mess. When I look back at 'me' then, I feel like I'm a completely different person now. I feel like I now have a sense of who I am, I feel so much more mature and confident about myself and my place in the world.
This actually shocked me, that I'm so much more confident now. Especially considering the last year I would have expected to feel less confident if anything but I don't.
A friend at school said to me last week "turning 40 is a dangerous age for the people around you, cos you just don't give a s**t anymore". We had a good laugh at this, but it is true I think. And then combine turning 40 with leaving a 10-year marriage! Look out world, here I come!
I'm really thankful for the last year - it's actually been 10months since D and I separated. This experience has helped me grow so much, and work out who I am and what I want in life and from life. I'm not sure if I ever really want to be in another relationship. There's always the romantic notions of having someone to share your life with and someone to cuddle (and other benefits as well :-) and someone to share the bills and responsibility. But I am actually quite content most of the time on my own. I like the relationship I have with my girls and not having to share them with anyone else, and not having to be the peace-maker anymore.
So, whatever the future has I think I'm ready for it and looking forward to it. I'm facing the future with a smile on my face.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Learning to keep my mouth shut (kind of)
Well, now I'm 40. I don't feel any different really (not surprisingly).
D sent me some flowers on my birthday. He had written on the card himself, saying "I miss you and I love you".
So, that was interesting! How is one supposed to react to something like that, when the girls are here with me? They seemed quite happy that Dad had sent me flowers. I actually asked Madame I if she thought it was appropriate for him to do that, and her reply was "Well he still really loves you". Hmmm..... she also commented that he'd sent my favourite flowers, gerberas.
I wanted to throw the flowers in the bin immediately after I read the card, but I thought that would probably confuse the girls a bit. But I didn't feel I could just accept them and have D think that they meant anything to me.
So I sat on it for a couple of days and on Monday (the third day after my birthday) I sent him an email saying that whilst I appreciate the sentiment in sending them, it was just not appropriate and in particular wasn't appropriate to be stating that he misses me and loves me.
He sent one back going to town about it....if he hadn't done anything I would have been upset, and if he did something I'd be upset and he wanted to let me know how he feels. Some of what he wrote follows...
just as you have the right to let me know exactly how you feel, it’s neither fair I feel to demand that I instantly switch off my feelings and emotions after 10 years of marriage.
this is me standing up for myself even in a small way and being honest... saying this is how I feel and I’m not going to deny it... But just as you have to deal with stuff in your way, then I need to be allowed to do the same, and we both have to live with the consequences of decisions etc made by both of us
I've now come to the conclusion that he doesn't have any clue at all of what are socially acceptable ways of dealing with anything. Apparently (as has always been the case with him) it doesn't matter if I'm going to be hurt by something, what is important is that he is able to say what he wants cos that's what he needs to do.
I seriously wonder how on earth I married this guy....but then again, he wasn't like this when I married him. For a while I've been a bit worried that he was like this and I just didn't see it, but my dear sister TE told me the other day that he did change in the last few years so that's a relief.
I just cannot wait until October 22nd when I can file divorce papers.
In the past I would have replied to his email with lots of sarcasm and truth.....but this time I've decided I'm not going to. I'm going to be the bigger person and let it go (once I've ranted and raved about it here first that is!). Last time we did this the emails went back and forth for ages and didn't actually change anything, we just both wrote a lot of fairly hurtful things. As much as I'd like to ring him and abuse him and yell at him, I know that it won't help my journey. So I will let it go. See, it's gone now! lol
I'm thinking that I might go back to my maiden name once the divorce is final. I really don't want to be associated with his surname anymore. The girls will obviously keep his surname and rightly so, they are a part of him but I'm not. Bring on October, that's all I can say.
D sent me some flowers on my birthday. He had written on the card himself, saying "I miss you and I love you".
So, that was interesting! How is one supposed to react to something like that, when the girls are here with me? They seemed quite happy that Dad had sent me flowers. I actually asked Madame I if she thought it was appropriate for him to do that, and her reply was "Well he still really loves you". Hmmm..... she also commented that he'd sent my favourite flowers, gerberas.
I wanted to throw the flowers in the bin immediately after I read the card, but I thought that would probably confuse the girls a bit. But I didn't feel I could just accept them and have D think that they meant anything to me.
So I sat on it for a couple of days and on Monday (the third day after my birthday) I sent him an email saying that whilst I appreciate the sentiment in sending them, it was just not appropriate and in particular wasn't appropriate to be stating that he misses me and loves me.
He sent one back going to town about it....if he hadn't done anything I would have been upset, and if he did something I'd be upset and he wanted to let me know how he feels. Some of what he wrote follows...
just as you have the right to let me know exactly how you feel, it’s neither fair I feel to demand that I instantly switch off my feelings and emotions after 10 years of marriage.
this is me standing up for myself even in a small way and being honest... saying this is how I feel and I’m not going to deny it... But just as you have to deal with stuff in your way, then I need to be allowed to do the same, and we both have to live with the consequences of decisions etc made by both of us
I've now come to the conclusion that he doesn't have any clue at all of what are socially acceptable ways of dealing with anything. Apparently (as has always been the case with him) it doesn't matter if I'm going to be hurt by something, what is important is that he is able to say what he wants cos that's what he needs to do.
I seriously wonder how on earth I married this guy....but then again, he wasn't like this when I married him. For a while I've been a bit worried that he was like this and I just didn't see it, but my dear sister TE told me the other day that he did change in the last few years so that's a relief.
I just cannot wait until October 22nd when I can file divorce papers.
In the past I would have replied to his email with lots of sarcasm and truth.....but this time I've decided I'm not going to. I'm going to be the bigger person and let it go (once I've ranted and raved about it here first that is!). Last time we did this the emails went back and forth for ages and didn't actually change anything, we just both wrote a lot of fairly hurtful things. As much as I'd like to ring him and abuse him and yell at him, I know that it won't help my journey. So I will let it go. See, it's gone now! lol
I'm thinking that I might go back to my maiden name once the divorce is final. I really don't want to be associated with his surname anymore. The girls will obviously keep his surname and rightly so, they are a part of him but I'm not. Bring on October, that's all I can say.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)