The Divorce Hearing

I went to court this morning for the divorce hearing. It's quite an intimidating atmosphere. My best friend (BFF) came with me for moral support and D had decided not to attend. As I'd lodged the papers I had to be there, but he didn't. When we walked into the court room there were two other women there with their support people - one had her mum with her, the other had her dad with her. I'm not quite sure how it all started but we actually started making jokes and having a really good laugh with each other. I decided it would be a great place to meet people and get a brief run down of their marriage and write a book about it! It was quite funny. The girl in front said she wished she'd listened to her dad when he told her not to marry the guy. And then she said they had to do 'lessons' with a pastor (it seemed they were not church-attending folk) so they could get married. She said "I guess I should have seen the writing on the wall when, at the end of our lessons, the pastor said to my husband 'I'm sure you're actually not as arrogant and rude as you pretend to be' ". And the other lady said when they were driving into the church grounds on the day of her wedding her dad looked at her and said "we can keep going if you like, and not go in". Ah, hindsight is a wonderful thing. But I do wonder how many marriages start out with people close to either the bride or groom telling them they shouldn't go through with it. I do know of one such marriage and the person, not having the courage to pull out on the day, went through with it and it only lasted a few months.
Anyway, I was expecting to be terrified most of the time this morning, and perhaps a little emotional, but instead I was crying from laughing so much. It was also uncomfortably quiet while we were waiting for the Registrar to come in. BFF whispered to me that it would be a good idea to have music playing, to ease people's nerves. I suggested they could have a juke box, and you could request songs - like the song you danced to at your wedding! Then you could really say goodbye to it!
Another interesting thing that I noted was that there were 10 groups of divorce applicants in the room and only 1 of them was a man! I wonder what that says about men's commitment to their marriages... There was one guy who had lodged an appeal about his divorce but couldn't be there cos he "had to be at work" so they rang him on his mobile so the Registrar could talk to him. He said that he married her 'forever' and still believed they could reconcile and as they married in a church, on religious grounds he didn't accept the divorce! The Registrar was very patient with him for a while, listening to him crap on....then she got pretty impatient with him and said "I have a court room full of people and I need to move on, so what do you want?!" It was funny in a sad kind of way, cos pretty much everyone in the room (I think) was thinking the same thing, "This guy's a nutter, and if he still loves his wife he's obviously not very good at communicating that to her, and besides all that, he's just a dickhead". One of the ladies we'd been laughing with earlier whispered across the aisle to me "sounds like my husband - she (the Registrar) should just hang up on him!" So, for me it was a very sad morning because I am very sad that my marriage has ended, but given the circumstances I'm glad I've been able to end it. But it was also a very funny morning, in a very irreverent way. I think whenever I think about this morning, what I'll remember will be the irreverent jokes and giggling and that's a good thing.
Oh, and the Registrar (who is like a Magistrate) talks to the one filing for divorce about arrangements with the children to make sure it's all ok. She talked to me about Madame I first, but misread her name and used the male variation (with an O at the end instead of an A) and referred to 'him'. I actually corrected her and said "he is a she"....it was another kind of funny moment, and I don't think I'll share that information with Madame I.
So, come January 9th I will legally be single again.

Divorce Hearing

Last night around the tea table I was talking to the girls about the divorce, and that I'm going to a hearing this morning. It started because I told them they need to be ready early for school this morning cos I need to be in town at about 9 for an appointment. Madame I, being ever-curious, asked what the appointment was so I told them. Princess S offers her little bit in a very bright and bubbly voice "Cos it is broken like Humpty Dumpty". Well, I guess she understands that reconciliation isn't on the agenda! It was so nice to laugh with them about it.
That's all for now.

Computers and rocks

It's been a while - I tried to post something a couple of weeks ago and there was some kind of glitch with the website and it wouldn't let me upload it. So I've been sulking since then.
For some time now when I turn on my computer I have been getting 2 pop ups telling me some obscure .dll files are missing. It's not been a big deal, but just annoying every time I turn it on. Also when I'd turn it off some process would 'hang' as only Microsoft products can and I'd have to 'end task' so it would shut down. So I decided to actually legally purchase the required operating system (XP Pro) and Office so that I could reformat the hard drive and have a clean system.
It was a fairly lengthy process in the end. I have a second hard drive (internal) in the pc which is 75GB, and the original hard drive which is only about 40GB (hence keeping all my documents and photos on the extra hard drive). I had to copy all the info (documents, photos- lots, and music - lots) onto my laptop via a 4GB pen drive. This took a few hours just in itself. Then I tried to just reinstall XP through the start up process via the disk. It didn't work, just reinstalled XP without actually reformatting the drives.
So I did what all good hackers (ie novelists, not experts!) do, and I googled 'reformat hard drive'. Thank goodness for all those geeks out there who spend hours writing stuff on the net for thick heads like me! I followed the instructions for reformatting the extra drive first, then the original hard drive was reformatted via the start up process with a bit of 'tweaking'. It worked like a charm!
The only issue I had was that in reformatting, my computer then didn't recognise any audio devices so my speakers wouldn't work. This is a considerable issue for me as I don't have a stereo, I have iTunes with really good speakers on my pc. Eventually last night (with a bit of advice from my very patient nephew, B, I found the right drivers and installed them and hey presto! my speakers now work.
The other 'funny' thing - and I mean funny in the way that you do when you talk about Microsoft! the other funny thing that happened was a couple of days after the reformat the automatic updates downloaded Service Pack 3 for XP Pro. No big deal, always happy to have the latest version of what I'm using. Except that once it had installed and then restarted (cos you can't use ANY Microsoft products without restarting the computer first) the two missing .dll file messages were back! OMG!!!!! So it was SP3 that caused my problems in the first place!!!!!
Of course, I googled the exact message I was getting and discoveed it was indeed from SP3 and it was to do with the USB wireless receiver I use. So I followed the instructions to download a file from the D-Link website and hey presto! no more error messages!!!
I'm feeling prreeeetttttyyy happy with myself! And my computer is running like a dream (except I'm still in the process of loading all the music into iTunes, although I did find a new feature in it today that makes it a bit easier - of course I did, cos it's not a Microsoft product!!)
And I can hear a couple of my friends in particular (I shall not name names in this forum!) who are screaming at me JUST GET A MAC. Yes, I know, I wouldn't have any of these problems if I had a Mac. But there would be some things I still couldn't do as 'cleanly' as I can with a pc. And I can't afford one. So I shall settle with being a genius on my own pc. (kind of like being a legend in my own lunch box)
And now for the rocks.... Princess S has been collecting rocks. Plain, ordinary, gravel type rocks. And she's been stuffing them in the pockets of her school uniform (dress or shorts), bringing them home (bulging all the way) and carefully placing them in her jewellery box! I've asked her why she collects them and she said it's because they're all different, and some are bumpy and some are smooth, some are orange and some are white. I guess that's fair enough. But for a girl who really is a bit of a princess, and values 'beautiful' things in life like jewellery and accessorising her clothes, I find it very oxymoronic that she is fascinated by rocks! At the very least, I find it amusing. And she gets them out all the time and looks through them all! They don't fit just in her jewellery box anymore cos she's got too many, so now they're in a tin as well and she's trying to work out what else she's got that she can put them in! It's just so funny.
I do wonder if she has some latent pscyhological issue....but I guess we won't know that for a few years yet! (just joking)

Job applications

Having decided that I need a part-time job to help with cash flow, I've started the search and apply process. I've applied for one in a community service organisation close to the girl's school and home, and am nervously waiting for an interview. Today I completed my first government application in a very long time. Man, they take so long to do! The hope is, of course, that you can copy and paste a lot of what they want from other positions you've applied for. But getting that first one done is really hard work.
Thanks to my wonderful (and government-employed) sister TE I have completed my first application, and I have to say I think I sound pretty wonderful, articulate, intelligent and wise! Time will tell....the waiting is certainly a painful process, and I have a couple of others to do now as well.
Isn't it nice to have some great spring weather?! I have thoroughly enjoyed our winter this year, being lovely and cold and very wet. But it is nice to feel the warmth of the sun when you go outside, and still have those gentle cool breezes. I'd be quite happy for the weather to stay like this until autumn next year.
The girls are loving their Friday night netball competition. Madame I's team is in a comp that is one level too high for them, so have not had a win yet, although they came close last Friday night. She is a great little defender and is learning that her position is just as valuable as the goal shooter. Princess S seems to be somewhat lacking in a netball intuition....she'll throw the ball to a team mate and then just stand there - as though that's all she needs to do to contribute to the game! I've tried to remind her that she needs to run (doesn't happen often with her normally anyway!) with the play and keep up so they can throw the ball to her again, but she just doesn't seem to get it. It's quite funny observing myself at her games because all I want to do is yell at her to run, jump, put your hands up, etc. but we're not allowed to do that! So I encourage gently and celebrate with her when her team wins. Maybe she'll catch on, maybe she won't, we'll see.

The D word

I've been quite surprised over the last few days by my emotions. I emailed D to let him know the divorce papers would be coming and his response triggered a tsunami of emotions that totally caught me off guard. I can hear you ask, wow, he must have really gone off his tree....what did he say?
Well, his response was "Not so much of a shock, been resigned to it now."
It was a real anti-climax. I felt quite deflated. Then later I experienced a flood of grief. Being the analytical person I am, I started probing my reaction to find the trigger. I realised that I had wanted D to fight for me. I wanted him to fight against his 'issues' and fight for me. I've been waiting for him to do this since I found out what he'd been up to, nearly a year ago. But all I've gotten from him has been lies, and empty platitudes about how sorry he is, and reasons why he thinks I've contributed to our marriage breakdown. So I'm left feeling a bit abandoned by him.
I have to say, I'm ok. I'm not in the depths of depression. I do feel sad and I've had a time of letting the grief out. But I am 'together' and coping. I have just been so shocked by my reaction to him finally accepting what is happening.
I had a chat with a very dear friend yesterday about it and she reassured me that whatever you feel is what you feel, it's not right or wrong and you can't predict how you're going to react. Just go with it. So thanks L, you're a great friend and I'm really glad we've gotten to know each other.
More to come....

Nearly 12 months

Next week will mark the 12month 'anniversary' of my separation from D. I've been looking forward (in a funny kind of way) to this moment so that I can get some closure and 'move on' emotionally.
Now that's it almost here it is a bit overwhelming. I've filled in the divorce papers and have them ready to be notarised and lodged next Thursday. I just sent D an email to forewarn him that they will be coming cos I'm pretty sure he will be devastated by it.
I can feel all the grief and sadness and hurt flooding back again. It's quite surreal. I'll have to remember to be gentle with myself in the coming days and weeks I guess.

Conditioned Taste Aversion

One of my current Uni subjects is Intro to Psychology and this week I'm learning about Learning. One thing that's mentioned is a thing called Conditioned Taste Aversion.
"Suppose you want to teach a rat to dislike a certain food, such as prawns. Following the usual procedure, you pair the food (prawns) with drugs that cause nausea or other unpleasant symptoms (toxic event). The rat would then learn to associate the flavour of the food with nausea and leave it alone." (direct quote from my lecture slides)
So I'm thinking if I could get hold of a drug that causes nausea, I could condition myself to not want chocolate, cakes, or any other unhealthy food.
Any suggestions of where I could get such a drug? (this is kind of tongue in cheek, but I do wonder why this treatment isn't used for people like me who have learned to be emotional eaters?)

A new doctor

It's been a while since I blogged last. Maybe that's a sign that life is moving on.
Today I had an appointment with a new GP (I wasn't feeling as supported by my last one as I should have). We had a bit of a getting-to-know-you session and I was quite surprised when I was talking to her about the revelations etc of the last 12 months she actually cried! Even doctors have a life, and feelings and sometimes our lives touch theirs. Needless to say I feel a lot more supported by her.
We talked about about my weight and a motivation to get rid of a lot of it. She actually asked me "what would happen for you to say 'f*** you' to lost some weight?" Ah, it was funny. She's a middle-aged woman of migrant parents (although she might not appreciate that description) and she said the 'f' word was one of the first english words she learned....of course. So now I'm left pondering what makes me angry enough to motivate me?

Chocolate Cake vs Roast Beef dinner

Both girls home from school sick today, so we're having a pyjama day. I've tried for years to have a day when I stay in my jamies for the whole day, but I just can't do it! I usually just feel gross and need to have a shower. It's 2:15pm and I'm still in my jamies, so this is probably a record.
I'm watching a bit of tv today and I've seen an ad that I've seen before, and each time my reaction is the same. It's advertising Healthy Choice frozen meals. A woman comes home from work and reaches for a piece of nice, big, chocolate cake in the fridge. A man appears from behind her fridge and tells her to look in the freezer, where she has a heap of Healthy Choice frozen meals, so she grabs one and eats it.
I have to say, if I'm in the mood for a nice, big piece of chocolate cake I am NOT going to be satisfied with a roast beef meal! What are those advertisers thinking?

School Interviews

I had 3-way interviews last night with the girls at school. Instead of a parent-teacher interview they involve the children and they each have a heap of work on the computer that they show you and tell you all about the things they've been learning and what they've had success with. All very warm and fuzzy school of the new millenium stuff!
A couple of things made me laugh during the interviews (and more so afterwards when I was thinking about it). Madame I's teacher (who hasn't been too embracing of the Asperger's thing) said to me "her story writing is quite good, but she really only writes about things that have happened. She needs to be writing creatively - making things up". I actually laughed out loud and suggested that she should have expected this to be the case! She agreed, but I'm not convinced she got the connection. Then she told me that Madame I's resilience has improved a lot during the year. At the beginning of the year if she fell over she would cry quite a bit, but now she's happier to just laugh it off. I suggested to her that this will probably revert back at the start of next year when she has a new teacher, new classmates, new classroom, new everything! Again, she laughed and had a bit of a "I wonder what she's talking about" kind of look on her face. Ah well, we can't all be perfect can we....
Princess S's teacher told me that at the start of the year (and for all of Term 1) she would burst into tears if she had to try something new, and was very emotional. Gee I wish they'd let us know BEFORE TERM 3!!!!!! so that perhaps I could work with my child at home to help build their confidence and 'risk taking' as she called it. Seriously, do they think the kids actually enjoy feeling overwhelmed by everything?!!! I just don't know why something that is so obviously an issue (in that two terms later she's still remembered it) isn't discussed with the parent.
I can see that in the next year or so I might be really tempted to just give up on teachers, and the expectation that they might like to work collaboratively with a parent just for something new. But, for now I'll persevere cos I know they're not all thick, or ignorant! I do know some teachers who are great.
To end on a really nice note, yesterday afternoon we were sitting on a bench outside the chemist waiting for some prescriptions to be made up. We were sitting quietly, just watching the world go by when Madame I says "Mum, I love you". Well, you could have knocked me over with a feather! That doesn't happen too often - I could probably count on one hand the number of times she's ever said it without me saying it first. A very sweet moment.

Father's Day

Well, today is Father's Day. It's always been a bit of an odd, even sad day for me. I usually feel a bit disjointed on Father's Day - like I'm a guest at another family's special gathering, looking on.... and then this year, D's not around either. This is, of course, a good thing for me, but not so much for the girls. He's working this morning so will come and get them after he finishes at about 2pm so it's good that they'll get to see him.

I'm going to try and put in a photo of a montage I did of my Dad and Mum. My sister TE helped me with it when we were at Murray Bridge for my birthday. We used a canvas from a cheap shop, then used a Kaszazz scrapbooking kit for all the paper, vellum and letters. I've also sprayed it with a clear gloss to help protect it.

and another thing....

Last night after the netball clinic (that's where I was going with this to start with, and I got a bit side-tracked!) Madame I had a bit of a melt-down at home. I don't really know what started it or triggered it but she just got overwhelmed by a lot of things and was yelling at me and Princess S and getting pretty out of control. When she's like this I don't usually handle it very well because I'm human, and I get tired too, and stressed, and yesterday in particular I was feeling one of those 'lonely times' that happen every now and then. So I got grumpy with her and she got worse (of course). Eventually we sat together on the couch and fighting everything inside of me I put my arm around her and told her that I just don't know how to help her sometimes. She started to calm down and went to bed still a bit teary. Then she called me into the bedroom and said "You're the best mum a girl could ask for". Wow! I think she must have read that in a book somewhere....I certainly don't feel that it's true, and it isn't the sort of thing she would normally say. But, it was really lovely to hear it and it helped her to calm down and move on so it's all good!
I think I'm done now ;-)

Turning 40 and new beginnings

My last post I was so distracted by inappropriate flowers that I forgot to say how great my birthday party was! It really was great, and I'm so glad I did it. It was the first time that all my sisters have been together EVER without husbands and kids (well, since my oldest sister left home and she was about 14 or something at the time) so that's about 35 years! I was a little concerned how my sisters and my friends would get along as there are some fairly strong personalities in my family, but it was just great. Everyone got along really well (a bit too well perhaps?!). It was a really relaxing time for me, and I felt very loved and affirmed. I took along my video camera and we had a kind of 'diary room' and most of the girls recorded a message for me. This was just great and I've had a good laugh (and a tear or two) watching that a couple of times. There seems to be a bit of demand for me to turn 40 again next year so we can do it again, so we'll see.
Yesterday I had a rather strange encounter. The girls have started doing a netball clinic with a local club. They're very excited about it, and may play in a summer competition with this club which is just great (quite frankly, anything that gets Princess S moving at anything beyond a walk is worth the money!). I bumped into a girl there who I knew from our CAFS group (I know it's called CYH but CAFS is much easier to say). I haven't seen this girl since Madame I was probably 18months old. Her daughter is doing the clinic as well. [an important note is that I mentioned I'd just turned 40 and she said I didn't look anywhere near 40! just a little ego-stroke] We spent a little bit of time reminiscing about the new mum's group and I was then remembering what I was like then. I had a difficult baby (she was beautiful - my sister TM called her the porcelain princess - but a horror to look after). I couldn't calm her by holding her, I couldn't get her to sleep and even rocking her in my arms I couldn't get her to sleep (all this now makes sense with the Asperger's diagnosis but at the time I had no idea). It was funny cos this friend (who actually had twins at the time, one is a boy) has since had two more children. She commented that 'we had no idea what we were doing did we?!' and she is right. I had no confidence as a mum, and added into the mix was that I think I was depressed and not treated for it for another 2 years or so, and D was at Uni and took the car so I didn't have any transport! Typically self-less of him....NOT. What a mess. When I look back at 'me' then, I feel like I'm a completely different person now. I feel like I now have a sense of who I am, I feel so much more mature and confident about myself and my place in the world.
This actually shocked me, that I'm so much more confident now. Especially considering the last year I would have expected to feel less confident if anything but I don't.
A friend at school said to me last week "turning 40 is a dangerous age for the people around you, cos you just don't give a s**t anymore". We had a good laugh at this, but it is true I think. And then combine turning 40 with leaving a 10-year marriage! Look out world, here I come!
I'm really thankful for the last year - it's actually been 10months since D and I separated. This experience has helped me grow so much, and work out who I am and what I want in life and from life. I'm not sure if I ever really want to be in another relationship. There's always the romantic notions of having someone to share your life with and someone to cuddle (and other benefits as well :-) and someone to share the bills and responsibility. But I am actually quite content most of the time on my own. I like the relationship I have with my girls and not having to share them with anyone else, and not having to be the peace-maker anymore.
So, whatever the future has I think I'm ready for it and looking forward to it. I'm facing the future with a smile on my face.

Learning to keep my mouth shut (kind of)

Well, now I'm 40. I don't feel any different really (not surprisingly).
D sent me some flowers on my birthday. He had written on the card himself, saying "I miss you and I love you".
So, that was interesting! How is one supposed to react to something like that, when the girls are here with me? They seemed quite happy that Dad had sent me flowers. I actually asked Madame I if she thought it was appropriate for him to do that, and her reply was "Well he still really loves you". Hmmm..... she also commented that he'd sent my favourite flowers, gerberas.
I wanted to throw the flowers in the bin immediately after I read the card, but I thought that would probably confuse the girls a bit. But I didn't feel I could just accept them and have D think that they meant anything to me.
So I sat on it for a couple of days and on Monday (the third day after my birthday) I sent him an email saying that whilst I appreciate the sentiment in sending them, it was just not appropriate and in particular wasn't appropriate to be stating that he misses me and loves me.
He sent one back going to town about it....if he hadn't done anything I would have been upset, and if he did something I'd be upset and he wanted to let me know how he feels. Some of what he wrote follows...
just as you have the right to let me know exactly how you feel, it’s neither fair I feel to demand that I instantly switch off my feelings and emotions after 10 years of marriage.
this is me standing up for myself even in a small way and being honest... saying this is how I feel and I’m not going to deny it... But just as you have to deal with stuff in your way, then I need to be allowed to do the same, and we both have to live with the consequences of decisions etc made by both of us
I've now come to the conclusion that he doesn't have any clue at all of what are socially acceptable ways of dealing with anything. Apparently (as has always been the case with him) it doesn't matter if I'm going to be hurt by something, what is important is that he is able to say what he wants cos that's what he needs to do.
I seriously wonder how on earth I married this guy....but then again, he wasn't like this when I married him. For a while I've been a bit worried that he was like this and I just didn't see it, but my dear sister TE told me the other day that he did change in the last few years so that's a relief.
I just cannot wait until October 22nd when I can file divorce papers.
In the past I would have replied to his email with lots of sarcasm and truth.....but this time I've decided I'm not going to. I'm going to be the bigger person and let it go (once I've ranted and raved about it here first that is!). Last time we did this the emails went back and forth for ages and didn't actually change anything, we just both wrote a lot of fairly hurtful things. As much as I'd like to ring him and abuse him and yell at him, I know that it won't help my journey. So I will let it go. See, it's gone now! lol
I'm thinking that I might go back to my maiden name once the divorce is final. I really don't want to be associated with his surname anymore. The girls will obviously keep his surname and rightly so, they are a part of him but I'm not. Bring on October, that's all I can say.

Birthday celebrations!

This weekend I'm going on a little holiday to celebrate turning 40! We've hired a holiday house at Murray Bridge that is only about 4 years old, 2 storey, sleeps 14, all the mod cons. I'm going with my Mum, all my sisters and some close friends.
A few have had to pull out this week which is very sad - we'll miss you! However, I am so excited about the weekend. We are taking a chocolate fondue fountain, ABBA singstar, lots of dvds and a considerable amount of drinkies (or, as another friend of mine calls it 'oh be joyfoul').
At the end of the weekend on of my sisters (TE) and BFF and me are staying for a few more days, so I don't think I'll want to come back!
It's been a rather interesting time since my last birthday and whilst I never could have imagined how much my life was about to change at my last birthday, I'm now quite happy, settled and looking forward to the future.
Well, I hope the world doesn't miss me too much while I'm gone. I'll have limited internet access (via my mobile phone) while we're gone so I'll see you next week.

Sex and gender

Hi all - I'm still here! I've been away on holiday for a week, and I guess I don't have as much to say as I used to .....surprising, I know.
I've been catching up on my Sociology subject this week (as I discovered I have an online exam to do and hadn't done much reading at all for this subject!). A lot of the subject matter has been about our idea of 'self' and our identity in society. Today the reading's been about sexual identity and gender identity - and are they the same thing or different?
It's been interesting reading, and studying this stuff has certainly helped me to be a bit more broad-minded which I think was actually necessary. The authors of the text book (of course) have the view that gender and sex are very different. It brings about a lot of interesting ponderings I think.
I have typically defined sex by the biological definition - which genitalia do you have? (not to put too fine a point to it!) But now we have in society a new term called gender which is more along the lines of which sex do you identify with for yourself? A person can have male genitalia but identify as a woman (or vice versa). So what makes us male and female? According to my text book we are all conceived female and then at some point in-utero the embryo with the XY configuration gets a testosterone wash and becomes male. But there are lots of variations genetically too. 'Men' can have XXY chromosomes, usually resulting in a very effeminate male. Apparently (and I didn't know this til I read it in the book) in the late 80's the women who were performing well at Olympic field events were tested genetically. They were found to have male chromosomes!
On a personal level this issue of gender identity has been something I've given more thought to since my marriage breakdown. Whilst D is 'male' and presents as 'male/masculine' he obviously has something going on somewhere in his genetics or socialised identity..... The underlying issue is are people born male and female, are they made male and female by society or is it some kind of combination? And what about those who have (for example) male genitalia and identify as male until puberty (or some other time) then feel they actually should have been born a woman?
It's all very interesting, and one thing I am becoming more certain of - I (and we) can't label situations or other people's experiences based on our own (often limited) experiences. The world is made up of a very comlex mix of people. None of us completely fit any mold/stereotype.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made." Psalm 139:13-14

'Intellect' and Religion

During my studies at University one theme is becoming very, very obvious.
Religion is considered to be an indulgence of the uneductated.
At present I'm studying units called Social Sciences in Australia and Cultural Perspectives on Science and Technology. In both of these units the concept of religion is discussed a fair bit. In every case it is mentioned as something that is the antithesis of the intellect. If you are an intelligent, educated person there is no room for religion.
This is interesting given that I am a Christian and I am what some would refer to as a Fundamentalist Christian. I dislike this term immensely myself because it conjurs images of people who are almost cult-like in their beliefs, however I use it because it makes sense to a large percentage of the world's population......I guess I'm making an assumption here that there may actually be people reading this who don't know me personally. Who knows, it is afterall the world wide web.
In the subject I'm currently supposed to be writing an essay for (doh! - distracted again) (Cultural Perspectives...) religion is even referred to as a non-cognitive interest. This implies it's an interest the does not make sense in an intellectual sense. Cognition means knowing, perceiving, or conceiving as an act of faculty distinct from emotion and volition. I'll have to ponder this a bit more when I'm not on a deadline with an essay, but I am certain that my faith, and the decisions I make to believe in God as the creator of the universe and mankind is separate from emotion and volition. It is a belief that is based on historical fact.
Anyway, I'll come back to this one day but thought I might just put it 'out there' for now.

Not a good night

How do I go from being really happy and content, to being in the depths of despair in just 24hours?
Yesterday I had my second to last appointment with the psychologist I've been seeing. I was feeling very stable, and felt I was coping really well with everything.
Then today I start feeling depressed and stressed about my study. There is just such a huge amount of reading to do and I can't speed read so it's just so tedious. Then for one of the subjects I have to post a discussion thread every week, of about 300 words on particular issues. And doing that for 12 weeks is worth 10% of my marks for that subject! It's a huge amount of work for not very much reward. And I have to do a 1500 word essay for that subject that I don't even have time to look at cos it's taking me so long to do the reading and discussion thread each week!
Then tonight the girls went ballistic in the bathroom (as they do) even though I warned them to behave. One of them broke the shower alcove door and neither of them will own up to who did it. They both say the other one did it. I'm pretty sure Princess S did it. Madame I was extremely distressed that I didn't believe her that she didn't do it. Princess S just says I didn't do it, it was Madame I. So what am I supposed to do?! In all the yelling and blaming and me being upset, Madame I even said 'bloody' as a swear word. Now I feel like I'm the worst mother in the world. What sort of mother am I that my children can't even be honest with me?
Now, I am very aware that I have a sensitivity to lying, given the huge lie that my husband lived for 10 years of marriage to me. I understand that it has some bearing on this. But I just cannot tolerate being lied to. It's just the worst thing that you could do to me. Why does a 6 year old feel the need to lie? And why does she think it's ok? I keep saying in my head "she's just like her bloody father" and I know that's not fair. I feel so helpless, powerless. How do I get her to tell me the truth? How do I prevent things escalating so quickly to the point where no-one is going to be honest?!
So now I feel like it's all just too much. Maybe I should stop studying and just get a job cos that's easier. I feel like a failure and I don't know how I'm going to pass these units when I just struggle so much with understanding the material, and getting through all the reading.
I don't want to be a failure, but surely life needs to be a bit easier doesn't it?
I just don't know what to do.
I'm hoping that it will all look a bit brighter tomorrow.

Odd advice from a paediatrician

Tonight Princess S had an appointment with her paediatrician. She has been on losec since she was about 10 weeks old, and has had a trial of 5 weeks off it. We're all very happy that she's fine and doesn't appear to have the chronic reflux issues that she's had most of her young life. She also hasn't had asthma for about a year so that is also fantastic. So, for the time being at least, we don't need to see Dr P anymore. This is great news. We've been to see him at least every 6 months since Princess S was 14 weeks old (we switched from another paediatrician at this point). Dr P is a wonderful doctor - the type who believes that Mums should be listened to as they know their child better than anyone, the type of doctor who always refers to little girls (even babies) as women. He's also pretty cute for an (oldish) guy! Everyone who's ever taken their kids to him agrees - well, at least the women, anyway!
Last time we saw him was about a month after D and I separated. He gave me a mini lecture about getting back into the 'scene' and that I was still so young I should not stay single for too long, I still have a lot to offer someone..... This was all a bit odd, embarrassing/uncomfortable coming from my daughter's doctor.
So tonight he wanted to know how things are going. He asked if I had a boyfriend and I said no and he asked if I was having casual sex?!!! What?!?! This is my daughter's doctor! I told him that as much as I would like that, I'm a Christian and I don't believe casual sex is a great idea for me. He said, "well, it can be ok can't it in a committed relationship? like committed for a few hours"!!!! OMG! he's such a crack up. I think he actually was reasonably serious.
I'm sad to know that we won't go back to see him. He's such a lovely doctor. Thanks Dr P for being so great and helping us through some pretty tough times.
ps I told him my BFF (I've changed this from BF cos it seemed to suggest boyfriend, instead of best friend...) had a son 21 years ago and he was the paediatrician and my friend told him to leave cos he was too good looking! He actually blushed a bit and said 'yeah, that's happened a couple of times!' How funny is he.
I'll be going to bed with a smile on my face tonight thinking about his world view.

Death, and studying

I found out last night that one of my cousins died on Monday. We had a family reunion in Sept 07 and he was diagnosed with cancer soon after that. He must have been fairly sick for some time because by that stage he had cancer in all his major organs and was given months to live. It's very sad. He was about to turn 43 (his birthday is in 3 weeks) and was married with three young children.
His funeral is Friday afternoon (in Coonalpyn!) so I'm going to take the girls out of school for the day and take them to the funeral.
I also have the girls for the whole weekend this weekend. This will be the first time (apart from Easter weekend) that I've had a whole weekend with them since we separated I think. It will be nice to be able to do normal family type stuff, like visiting friends together. I do miss them a lot when they're not here.
I've started my next two subjects at Uni. Cultural Perspectives on Science and Technology and the other one is Social Sciences in Australia. My head is hurting considerably more than it was last study period. I hope I can bluff my way through this.
I won't find out my exam result from last study period until June 29th apparently.

Update on assignment

The rest of the world is probably not anywhere near as excited about this as I am, but I got my major assignment back yesterday and I got 76% for it! I am over the moon with that. Given that the last uni assignment I did a couple of years ago I failed because I didn't write academically enough, I was really worried about this.
So now I've got some confidence going into the exam for tomorrow evening. I just need to get 45% for it to pass the exam, and therefore the whole unit which is (hopefully) going to be easy enough.
Just wanted to share the good news.

Giving up things

It's been a big week. As of this coming week I am studying a full time load. Because I'm such a procrastinator I felt the need to stop all the volunteering I've been doing so I don't have the distractions to my studies.
So on Monday I had my last Mainly Music class with Mrs Wiggle. It was really quite sad. We started our group two and a half years ago with Princess S and two other little girls. Now there are about 30 families coming each Monday, with about 80 children coming on-and-off. I feel like we've achieved so much and now I'm leaving. But at least the group is running really well and there are lots of families coming, so Mrs Wiggle has a great group to run with. The real problem was that (apart from the lady who comes to make coffee for us) we didn't have any other helpers, so me dropping out was quite likely going to be the end of the group, as Mrs W couldn't do it all on her own. But thankfully a couple of helpers have stepped out of the mist so tomorrow they'll be all set!
I've also stopped volunteering at our church emergency relief service. We provide food and some financial help to families on Centrelink benefits who are doing it tough (isn't half the city at the moment?!). It's only run one day a week so I was helping a little bit there too, and now I'm not. I've also pulled out of Sunday School teaching.
It's a big time of letting go, and being committed to study. I've never been great at study so I have a lot of mental barriers to get through. On Tuesday I have my first exam for the subject I've been doing since the start of February. I'm actually not toooooo stressed about it because I've had time to study and revise, mostly when the girls are at school or their Dad's.
Yesterday Madame I turned 9. My sister C came and did a craft party for her which was fantastic. The girls (she had three friends come) really enjoyed it and they each made a little photo album-I took photos of them all at the start of the party so they could use them in the album. Madame I really enjoyed it.
Also caught up with friends from Queensland that we stayed with in January. They're in Adelaide for the weekend to visit family and friends. It was great to see them again.
That's it for now - now I need to do some more study.

Teachers and Asperger's Syndrome

If you have a child with special needs (and particularly one with 'hidden' special needs) I'm sure you'll be able to relate very well to my experience.
Madame was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome two full years ago. Her symptoms are much more significant at home than they have ever been at school.
The teacher she had when she was first diagnosed very confidently told me that Madame I doesn't have AS. I already had a personality conflict with this teacher - and the fact that she'd made some pretty derogatory remarks about me to my husband didn't help! I was trying to be the 'bigger' person and move on from that. Realising that she wasn't a psychologist and hadn't done any particular training in this area I chose to ignore her ignorance. However, if she wasn't going to accept the diagnosis, how could I convince her that Madame I needed extra help with some fairly small things, that would have a really big pay-off for me at home?
Well, D and I tried for a long time, then eventually we kind of just gave up. Madame I was very compliant in the classroom, very intelligent and coping well with her studies so what was the problem?!
Madame I also had issues with classroom structure and mostly with play time (lack of) structure but no-one seemed to think it was particularly their responsibility to do anything about that. And she was so compliant in class time that really, what was my problem?
Needless to say we moved schools and have found a school that is much more understanding and helpful for her (and therefore, for me).
Her teacher last year was great and seemed to really listen when I spoke. Then this year she got a new teacher (as they do) so I had to go through it all again....yes, I know she's very compliant in class but she really struggles with unstructured time, in particular play time. Did she take me seriously? I wish. After nearly a whole term I learned from Madame I that every Tuesday they change desks and sit with new people. This particular teacher does this as 'her thing' so that all the children get to know all the others....and it goes on for the entire year! For a child with AS, this is a huge problem because they don't cope well with change. So I went to talk to her again, and she (begrudgingly) agreed to allow at least one person from Madame I's table to move with her each week so there is at least a small amount of consistency.
Well, this morning I was in the classrom to watch Madame I present a science experiment - she did a great job. The teacher came over to have a 'chat' with me. She explained that Madame I has been allowed to sit next to her best friend Z Girl all the time. One day this week Z Girl wasn't at school and apparently Madame I just didn't cope at all well for the whole day! Said teacher is just shocked and dumbfounded that the absence of her best friend had such a huge impact on her.
Well, I sat there with a very self-satisfied smile on my face. At last the teacher understands what I'm talking about. And I'm sure her 'not coping' at school that day was miniscule compared to how she is at home.
The very sad (and frustrating) thing for me is that this whole scenario will be repeated every single year of Madame I's schooling because for some reason teachers don't want to accept that she has issues. There are all sorts of reasons for this and most of them I do understand, but it doesn't make it right. I am faced with having to push and push and push and advocate for my child because (most) teachers don't understand that parents really do know their kids best. If they could just treat me with some dignity and respect then everyone's life would be a whole lot easier!
Maybe I should print this out and just give it to her teacher next year....and the year after....and the year after....

Parental Responsibility

After D and I separated one of the bizarre consequences was that it somehow fell to me to determine whether he was of sound mind. Was he safe for the children to be with? Was he at risk of harming himself? ....and the girls of course?
How on earth could I make that call with any objectivity?
I did believe that he was at risk of harming himself for a while and even had moments/days when I wasn't completely sure how safe the girls were with him. Would he crash the car in an attempt to take all their lives? I honestly didn't know the answer to that question.
But somehow it was my responsibility to know the answer. I was the one who, if I had concerns, was apparently supposed to alert the authorities. But who would I tell? And what would the consequences be? If I was overreacting (which was a very high likelihood given my emotional state) then D would have to live with those accusations for the rest of his life. But then if I had suspicions and did nothing and he did hurt the girls then that would be my responsibility. It was really a no-win situation.
People were looking to me to make that judgement call (people here means the professionals and lay people who were working with me and us). That's a very big responsibility for a very damaged and emotional woman to carry.
I was watching episodes of Greys Anatomy last night and there was a story line where a mother hadn't protected her daughter from an abusive father. As a consequence the daughter stood up for herself and (at the age of 6) shot her father many times. It just reminded me of the burden we have as parents to ensure (as much as possible) the safety of our children. What is 'not enough' and what is 'too much'? Who knows, but I know it was an issue that disturbed me a lot. Even now I'm not 100% certain of their safety, especially given the denial that D seems to live in. What will happen when he really understands the consequences of his actions? Will it 'tip him over the edge'? I don't know. If it does is it my repsonsibility?
There aren't any clear-cut answers to this I don't think, it's just something you have to live with when you're a parent.

Sharp Knives

I was given a set of Wiltshire knives about 11 years ago. They were laser cut and would never need to be sharpened. At least that's what the box said....

To start with they were very sharp and I was really impressed. Laser cut knives were the way of the future. I'll never need another set of knives for the rest of my life.

Some years later my BF (best friend) was cutting up some chicken (at least I think that's what it was...who knows) and she complained rather loudly that my knives were crap and I need to buy some decent ones. What?! No way, my knives are great. They're laser cut you know and they never get blunt. She disagreed and claimed that her knives were much sharper and easier to cut with. I wasn't completely convinced.

I also knew that a new set of knives would be pretty costly and I didn't really want to spend the money on a new set.

With all the stimulii going around lately I decided it would be a good investment to buy a new knife set. That was about 2 months ago and I'm still surprised almost on a daily basis at how brilliant my new knives are. It's worth mentioning that I bought a straight-edged set that has a sharpener in the block. I can cut through bread rolls with a straight edged knife. I can dice chicken fillets quicker than Jeff Jansz. I'm amazed at how totally useless and time-consuming my old knife set was. And I was too ignorant to see it, and when I was told about it I didn't want to hear.

I was going to write an analogy with the knives and my marriage - but then I decided it sounded a lot better when it was still in my head, so that's where it will stay.

Thank you (publicly) BF for telling me that my knives were crap.

It's important for us to tell each other when our knives are crap. It's the loving thing to do.

Netball

Madame I had her very first ever game of netball this morning.
They are doing practice on Thursdays after school which is a bit of a problem because she goes to street funk (hip hop) lessons at that time. We've found a compromise in that she does half an hour of netball practice then we race over to dance which is not far away. So she's had only two half-hour sessions of netball practice and she's a star!
I know I'm reasonably biased, but seriously, you should have seen her. She played three quarters of the game and played in GD, WD and GK. She has Asperger's Syndrome and who would have thought that would come in handy for netball?! She has very little awareness of personal space which is just great when you're a defender in netball. So yay for Illaria, she has found something that she is brilliant at! I told her (when she was GK) that she had to stick to her player like glue and try and get in front of her when the ball was coming. And she did. She was very focused on staying right with her player (even when the ball was in our goal circle! - at the other end of the court).
The girls are with D this weekend (although coming home for Mother's Day tomorrow) so he brought them to netball and I met them there. It was very awkward to start with but it wasn't too bad. I think we'll be able to find a way of both supporting her at netball without it being too difficult.
The talk we had on Wednedsay night seems to have cleared the air a bit, at least for me. I think I really have let go of a lot of attachments I had with him. I felt a lot more comfortable around him today than I have for the last 6 months, so that's a really good thing. I've spent a couple of days feeling very very sad about it all, but today was good, so maybe it's time to move forward.
I hope all you mums out there have a great Mother's Day tomorrow.

The ring is off.....

I wish God was like Father Christmas. If you're nice and you do your chores, be kind to other people, then you get what you want.
Unfortunately God is not Father Christmas. I can't have what I want.
Last night D took off his wedding ring and admitted (accepted?) that our marriage is over. I know this was really hard for him to do and strangely it was really hard for me too. I wanted him to do it, at least to acknowledge that he has caused this, to take ownership of it. But it was actually quite devastating to see it.
I have wanted our marriage to be over for 6 months. Mostly, that was because I was hurt and angry. Now that D isn't wearing the ring anymore I know it is over, and I feel resigned to that. It was a marriage that was so broken it could not ever be fixed.
He still holds out some hope that one day it will be fixed - but he isn't taking any ownership of his bisexuality and in all that we talked about he didn't mention it once. He talked about being unfaithful but he didn't talk about the fact that he's attracted to men as well as women.
Today I feel incredibly sad. I'm sad that my marriage is finally over. I'm also sad that D just can't accept who he is. I'm sad that he can't live authentically and I'm sad for what that will mean for our daughters in years to come. I'm also sad about letting go of my hope to be truly loved and truly happy. I think there was a time when I was truly happy, in the very early days of our marriage. I'm not sure that I will ever find that kind of happiness again, because now I am cynical and untrusting.

re my tattoo. I've been showing my siblings my tattoo as I see them. Usually I don't see some of them for almost 6 months or even a year. Over the last 2 weeks I've actually seen all of my siblings except for one! (my sister T who lives in the Riverland is the only one I haven't seen)
My tattoo is of my Dad's signature (taken from Mum and Dad's marriage certificate) and his name was Colin Mark Northcott.....there goes all my anonymity! When I showed one of my brothers he looked puzzled for a nanosecond and said with a smirk on his face "why did you get my name tattoo'd on yourself?!" then I realised he has the same initials as Dad...CM different first name but same middle name. Then yesterday I showed my other brother and one of his daughters was there and she also has the same initials and surname! So now I thought I had my Dad's signature, I also have my brother's and my niece's. Three for the price of 1!

I met with D's psychologist last week which was an interesting time (to say the least). D had said some things that I'd thought were not right and he seemed to think his psych was agreeing with what he was saying. So I thought it best to go straight to the horse's mouth (so to speak). Unfortunately the psych does agree with some of what D is saying. It seems he (the psych) believes that the 'therapy' D needs is to be told/reinforced who God has created him to be, ie a heterosexual man. If told this truth enough, he will become what he believes himself to be (or something along those lines). I expressed that although I agree we need to speak positively about the ideal of who God has created us to be, I think it's also very important that D is able to accept who he is now, and to take ownership of who he is now. This is something that he has been completely incapable of doing and is one of the biggest things that has bothered me about his 'therapy'. D will not accept that he is anything but a heterosexual man with some issues. [on a slightly funnier note a found an analogy the other day - D doesn't think he even has a closet, he sees it more as a drive-thru window! isn't that funny?!] When I told his psych that D won't admit he's anything other than hetero, his psych said "there is no question about it, D is bisexual". That was like a bolt of lightning for me. To hear someone tell me categorically that my husband is bisexual was both shocking and freeing at the same time. I know a lot of people in this world have issues with the use of labels, but I must admit I'm a bit of a 'label girl'. They do seem to help me deal with things. Maybe it's because I'm a fairly black-and-white person....and that's not always a good thing, but it's how I see a lot of things. I now accept that this is who he is, and I also accept that it may take him quite a long time to accept this for himself if he ever does. I don't really need for him to accept it anymore because I know it is the truth.
I now have a strange acceptance of my situation. I am sorrowful, and hopeful for myself at the same time. I hope that I will be loved one day, in the way that I want to be. The way I thought I was when I got married just over 10 years ago. Maybe.
D had a session with our pastor again yesterday and then rang me to ask if we could get together for a talk. He was crying a lot and said he wants to 'lay it all out on the table and explain a lot of things'. So tonight I'm going to his place to hear what he has to say.
After I left his psych's office last week I realised that I'd been holding out (small) hope that if he kept seeing this guy, then one day he could be the man that I need to be married to. After speaking to his psych I realised that he never will be, especially whilst seeing this man for 'therapy'. My pastor asked me what would show me that he was on the road to becoming that man. My response was "I know this sounds odd, but if he took off his wedding ring I would know that he was serious". Then I would know he's realised what he's done and that he doesn't deserve a life with me because of this betrayal. But he's not ever going to be the man that I need and now I feel like I can accept that a bit better, and move on just a little bit down that road to recovery.
Enough for now.

A poem by me

Feeling very melancholy today. Anzac Day always does that to me. So much loss.
Here's a poem I just wrote:

I may have a smile on my face when you see me
but that does not mean I'm happy
or content
or settled
or understanding
It means I don't feel safe to show my real face
I have to keep it all together
for my daughters
for my family
for my friends
for you

Thank you for being a friend and helping me through this very difficult time.
One day I will smile with my whole body again. One day I will wake up with confidence to face the day.
Until then, I have some amazing friends and family to help me.

I'm heading to my Mum's this afternoon for a card making workshop tomorrow with two of my sisters and I'm really looking forward to that.

6 days of creation, then Adam....

On Sunday I was sitting in church and God reminded me of something my good friend DNW spoke to me about many years ago, from a slightly different perspective. I then had quite a revelation about the creation of Adam.
After God created Adam He could see that it wasn't good for man to be alone. So He brought all the animals He's just created and paraded them before Adam, and asked Adam to name them all. After every single animal in the world had been presented, God could see that none of them were suitable to be Adam's help-mate. So God put Adam to sleep and He created Eve from Adam's rib. I think in this day and age, with the way we relate to God much of the time, we would expect that God would have called Adam over and shared His concept of woman....and ask for Adam's opinion.
But no, God didn't do that. He put Adam to sleep.
When Adam had his greatest need, God put Him to sleep. A rest. Adam rested and God provided the solution.
The other part of my revelation on Sunday was that as I opened my Bible and started re-reading the passage around Adam's creation something quite staggering occurred to me. God created the world in 6 days, then He rested, then He created Adam. Adam wasn't a part of the initial creation! Why? God says He created man in our image (our = trinity). He wasn't created along with the land, sea, birds, etc. He was created as an extension of the relationship within the Trinity.
I had never ever thought about this. I'd always just thought that Adam and Eve were created within the 6 days.....obviously hadn't read my Bible, had I?!
Tonight I mentioned this to BF and she said that she'd never really thought about it cos He rested on the 7th day, so there must have been (in her reasoning) more work to do. I'd never seen it that way. I'd always thought He'd worked pretty hard for the 6 days, so He deserved a rest and I didn't ever think about "what did He do after that?!" Her assumption was that there must have been more cos His rest was only for one day..... it's all the way we see it, isn't it? I think I'm a looking-back kind of person and BF is a looking-forward kind of person.....perhaps.

Reactions and support

When most people ask me how I am I give the pat answer "I'm fine". For some people, who know about my situation, I tell them the truth and we discuss for a while the things I've been learning or understanding in a new way etc.
Then some of these people point out to me the good things that are happening, the great news that I'm growing so much as a person and I'm so much bigger a woman than I was six months ago.
The problem is, that when I have all the great, wonderful things pointed out to me, I feel as though it invalidates all the yukky stuff. It's almost as though some people can't deal with the yukky stuff, so all they can reflect back (I guess this is a part of the whole active listening thing) is the positive stuff.
I don't want to see all the great positive things cos then I guess that gives some meaning to what I'm going through. I don't want it to have meaning - and I certainly don't think I am going through all of this so that I can be a better person! I was already perfect, wasn't I?! I know I search for meaning in my experiences but I don't want other people to do that.....hmmmm.....I'm a bit confusing, aren't I.

A new paradigm

Well, I'm going to 'discuss' (which means I type, you read...hee hee) something very different tonight. I think most of you reading this blog know the basis of my marriage breakdown - and I really want to throw a big thought out there to you, so I'm going to talk about it fairly openly.
D apparently has a history of having homosexual relationships. There, I've said it. It's actually quite hard to have this 'out there'. I read somewhere the other day that when people go through this kind of situation, if the one who's been doing what D has doesn't 'come out of the closet', they take the 'straight spouse' into the closet with them. I have certainly experienced that. There are many, many people in our lives who do not know this truth so when I'm with those unenlightened people, I have to stay 'in the closet' too. I'm 'outing' myself to you.

I have had a huge struggle with this in line with my faith. My intention here is not to offend anyone. I am trying to reconcile two mind-sets that until now have been mutually exclusive in my mind. But now I am faced with knowing the truth about D, as far as I know it. I have to bear in mind that at some point (probably in the next couple of years) Miss I at least, will want more in-depth answers than she currently has regarding our separation and I want to be respectful to her Dad as well as be true to our faith/beliefs when I talk to her about this. I can't just dismiss this and think "well, he's gay, he's not honest about it, he's going to hell". I also can't accept that this orientation is 'normal' or the way it was meant to be for us.

After some soul searching, some discussions through on-line forums with both Christian and very-definitely-not-all-Christians I have formed the following thoughts/beliefs about all this. I'd really like to know what you think of it, especially from a Biblical perspective if you are able to.

God created Adam and Eve. He looked at His creation (the whole world) and saw that it was good. Then both Adam and Eve disobeyed God's command to not eat of the knowledge of good and evil. That act could not be undone. Sin forever entered the world. We are all 'born into sin' which means that even innocent babies are born with Sin inherently in them. That sin for some can be compulsive lying, overeating, sexual promiscuity, gossiping, taking advantage of others, homosexuality, etc....... the list could be endless. There is no way we, of our own abilities, can completely overcome this Sin. Jesus was sent into the world to be the 'second Adam'. He reconciled us in our relationship with God. We can once again "walk with Him in the cool of the garden" although this is now more of a figurative garden rather than a physical garden.

Just to clarify something here - I believe that some people are born with a predisposition toward homosexuality. I think that in some of these people circumstances (perhaps very liberal parents, sexual abuse, friends inviting them to experiment) bring this to the surface and they act on the impulse they were born with. I also think there are some people who are born with this predisposition and don't understand it, or don't accept it because they are never given the permission to act on it. In D's case he was brought up in a fundamental Christian family and was always taught that this was wrong. He also has lived through a family member coming out of the closet and I think he's very aware of the change in family dynamics if this were to become who he is long-term.

We pray for people to be healed of lots of different things. Some people have cancer that we pray for the deliverance of. Others have disabilities, diabetes, depression or addictions.
I think that when we pray for a disabled child to be healed we know that God is sovereign and He decides who he heals and who he doesn't - we know from experience that not everyone that we pray for receives healing in this lifetime. We accept that this is God's domain but we petition Him anyway and hope in Him that He will choose to heal the one we're praying for. We don't expect that the good nature of the child will influence whether or not they are healed. We don't think that if the child is really well behaved and does all the 'right' things, then God will heal them.
I believe that the only way God wants us to be is in a healthy heterosexual relationship. And by the way, it's not ok for men to abuse the power they have over their wives, and women to manipulate their husbands to get what they want - these situations also need to be healed.
However, when we (and I mean collectively Christianity, and more specifically myself) look at D and pray for his healing in this area I have been expecting his healing because he wants it, or because he's a good man, or because he has been doing all the right things. I've looked at his healing as being dependent on his character. [Perhaps also I believe that an active drug addict who doesn't really want help, shouldn't be healed (based on their actions). That's probably for another blog, perhaps.]
My point is, with a person with a disability (in particular with children) we expect God's healing based on God's character and his love for us all, but with D we expect God's healing based on D's character, not God's.

I also believe in line with all this, that if D never receives healing and actually becomes an openly 'gay' man, we should love and accept him as much as we did before all this came out. Our churches should be places where people are accepted and loved for who they are, not for who we want them to be one day, or for who we think God will accept. He accepts everyone, regardless of who they are or what they've done - or even for what they continue to do. His love never changes, but our ability to accept it does. We (the church) need to show D how to accept the love that Jesus offers him just as he is. We need to be able to love him knowing all about his sordid 'other life' - in spite of it. We must love the whole person, not just the bits we find palatable and safe. If we can't do that then we're not fulfilling our calling. Jesus hung around the worst of the worst in his society. He gave them a choice. Our choices are always going to be tainted by that Sin that we are born into. I cannot follow Jesus perfectly because I cannot be perfect this side of Heaven. Why do I expect others to be perfect when I know I can't?!

Another point in this situation is that there are two distinct things for me to come to terms with, and to reconcile. The first is that the man who has been my best friend for 11 years is gay (most likely, based on his actions). The second is that my husband has lied and been unfaithful to me on many occasions - the 'fallout' of this is the same regardless of who he's been having sex with. I strive daily to remember that there are in fact two issues, and try to keep them separate as much as I can. It has helped me in 'moving on' to keep them separate and deal with them separately.

I think I'll write more on this when my brain has had a rest.

If you are interested at all in the websites I've found helpful (for your own understanding) then email me and I'll send you the URLs.

Tidy beds

Hiya - I know, I only did a blog last night, but there you go, apparently my brain is ready to work again!
This coming weekend the girls and I are going camping with BF and our friends, J and A and their Indian Princess, because it's Easter weekend and we can! So D has decided to take a couple of extra days annual leave and go to Perth for the weekend to see some friends, which is fine. I thought I'd be magnanimous (go look it up!) and allowed him to have the girls for the entire weekend that we've just had. He picked them up Friday night and they came back last night (Sunday). After they left on Friday I made their beds, cos it's one thing that very rarely gets done. I have never been one to go around and make all the beds in the morning - I do make my own, but I've never really made the girl's beds, and they don't do it either. Every now and then if I remember, I'll ask them to make the beds before they go to school. So I made the beds Friday evening and they stayed that way all weekend, of course.
I've been out at music this morning and when I came home I walked past their bedroom door and noticed their beds are messy again, and had a nanosecond thought "why can't they just make their beds", then I realised the truth of that annoying email that goes around that tells us we should be grateful for messy beds cos it means we have children in them.... I remembered this and felt really thankful for those two messy beds because they are a sign that my girls are home again.
It's funny, cos if you know me you know I'm not overly maternal, and certainly don't usually pine away when the girls aren't with me. But I did miss them a lot this weekend. I think it's the first time they've been gone for the whole weekend too, so I guess it's all normal and all, but I was a little surprised at how happy I was to see those unmade beds this afternoon.
Cheerio,
Jen

A bit of healing

I have some young friends who have been married for 6 months. She is 19 and he is 23. He is a scientist - and I only mention that because in my generic stereotypes of scientists, he's not supposed to have feelings or be in touch with those feelings at all. However, he is a rather unusual young scientist. He shows an amazing level of insight in the emotional world and I'd like to share part of an email he sent me. I did ask his permission to use this in my blog, so I'm not telling tales out of school. I just cried and cried when I first read it, and each time I've re-read it I still cry. I wish so many men in this world would 'get' this.

On another note; I wanted to let you know that you are handling your current experiences with a courage and fortitude that is rare, and beautiful in its own unique way. I can’t even begin to imagine the heartache that you’ve endured, the questioning, the searching; and yet, you have remained positive, are avoiding reacting out of bitterness, and are still encouraging to others. I know it doesn’t mean much, but as a man, I would like to say I’m sorry. We are (as a gender), for whatever reason, prone to selfishness, domination, manipulation and dishonesty in the pursuit of what we think we need. We too easily seek to control other people in an effort to satisfy our lusts, and that is wrong. It is wrong for us to take for granted the love, security and commitment of our wives, and then, thinking that these things are ‘in the bag’ seek temporary satisfaction elsewhere. I obviously do not understand your circumstances or history, but as a man, I am sorry that D betrayed your trust, and that he hurt you so much. As men, it should’ve been our responsibility to come alongside D long ago as brothers, and to help him deal with his pain and avoid the choices he has made. We failed you, and for that I am sorry.

I am confident that real healing for you will come in time. I can imagine that you must be scared about how you will eventually talk about this with your daughters; about how you will one day advise them about their own choices for marriage etc. I pray that God will speak to you of the fears of your heart, that He will give you the answers you seek, that He will meet you where you need Him. A and I are always at your disposal: for babysitting, for company, for any assistance you might need (I would offer my services as a stereotypical macho Mr Fix-It, but I fear you would already outrank me :P). Jenni, you are a beautiful, friendly and compassionate woman. Don’t ever allow these experiences to diminish your perception of yourself; you deserve nothing less than the best.

So, how about that? Any dry eyes?
For me, this was very healing - to have a man (ie someone who represents the men in the world) have such an understanding of the hurt and betrayal and broken trust is just quite amazing. I do wish that D was able to say these things (with some sort of authenticity) but that may never happen. I'm very thankful for this great friend for these words.
I decided to leave in all the bits where he says how wonderful I am - I like to be reminded of that, and now you all know too, so you can remind me as well!! lol
I feel like I don't have much to 'blog' at the moment....I've had a change in my anti-depressants over the last week and a bit and have been very 'out of it' as a result.
BF also found a Yahoo group that is a support for people who have spouses/children/friends etc in my kind of situation. I'm a bit hesitant to spell it out on this blog because I don't really know who's reading it and I'll never really be sure of whether we can all be identified... anyway, this Yahoo group has been incredible and the woman who runs it (from USA) is somewhat of an angel I think, in the very truest sense. She has insight into this stuff and is helping me (and BF) with lots of the questions we have. I think I'll just run with that group for a while and see how it goes.
by the way, if any of you are interested in having a look at this group they do have a website -email me and I'll send you the url for the website. I think it could be helpful to lots of people to read through what they say. They seem to have a very balanced view.
Also, re the above excerpt I did respond and let him know that many men had tried to reach out to D unsuccessfully over the years, and that the only real truth is that D just didn't want to be helped. I don't want him (or any other men) to feel that they failed me because they didn't. I certainly feel I've had many of the men in my life support me and help me and I'm really grateful for that.
Cheers for now.

Pressure & forgiveness

Tonight D told me about an organisation that holds groups (meetings) for people with addictions and their families. The families can go to meetings on a certain evening when the addicts are not there - to help come to terms with what has been happening and to show them how to help support the addict to a place of healing.
I don't want to go, but I do want to go.
I want to go to get some understanding of what has happened and why, in an effort to hopefully help me move on.
But I don't want to go because I am scared that I'll be pressured (externally or internally) to forgive him and take him back. Boy that sounds whacky! I'm actually scared that somehow, I'm going to feel pressure to reconcile with Daniel. So I don't want to forgive him so that I won't have to face that risk. Hmmmm, just as well I'm seeing a psychologist! This will give her something to discuss at our next meeting...

Forgiveness and anger

Is it possible to be truly forgiving a person while you still have active anger/hatred toward that person?

I believe that forgiveness is a decision I make. "I forgive you", "I will not forgive you". If I say "I forgive you" but I'm still angry with you, have I actually forgiven you? Does forgiveness take away anger? Does the absence of anger mean that I have actually forgiven?

Luke 17:3 - "..if he repents, forgive him" So if he doesn't repent I don't have to forgive him?! (I wish...!)

But then Luke 23:34 "forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing" so I have to forgive even when the other person doesn't realise they need forgiveness? (bummer!)

Colossians 3:13 "bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another" so bearing with each other and forgiving each other are different things.

forbear...(greek).... to suffer, put up with, endure...with repetition, intensity (from my Greek/Hebrew concordance dictionary thingy - it's a big book!) So we are to constantly endure, suffer and put up with each other in the repetitive and intense nature of ongoing relationships.
Hmmmm.... Paul seemed to know something about the nature of human relationships I think. Anyway, back to the forgiveness thing, I have to suffer other people again and again and THEN I STILL have to forgive them!

This really is a bit rambling today, but it is a genuine thing I'm thinking about - I would like to know if I'm fooling myself if I say I have forgiven D even though I'm still super duper angry with him. And by the way, the anger ebbs and flows. Some days it's quite consuming, and other days it's inconsequential.

I'd really like to know what other people think about this forgiveness/anger thing, and I don't just mean the people who 'think' they know about these things..... ;-)

Shopping Bags

I know, it's a bit off-topic compared to my usual rantings, but a change is good, right?!
The new shopping bag laws have caused us all to think more about being prepared for shopping. I've had 'green' shopping bags for years, but very rarely used them for a couple of reasons. Firstly, I didn't keep them in the car cos when you come home with food in them, you unpack them and then what? That's right, you stuff them in between the fridge and the wall, or any other 'out of the way' place in your kitchen. Then, when you make your next trip to the supermarket where are your bags? That's right, still stuffed in that hole in the kitchen. So you have a choice to either be an environmental vandal or pay another $1 for yet another bag that you know is going to end up in that collection stuffed between the fridge and the wall. I usually chose the vandal option. The other reason I rarely used my green bags was that I've had a very small kitchen bin for a few years and the shopping bags make perfect bin liners. I thought I was being friendly to the environment for doing this because I'm reusing - that's one of the R's isn't it? - reduce, reuse, recycle. So I have a beautiful plastic bag holder that was loving painted by my very crafty sister (PKE) and is always chokkers with bags.
Late last year my local Wooworth's supermarket took a very hard line on the whole plastic bag issue. They made the express lanes plastic bag free - why do that when the people who use the express lane are doing last minute, in-between-big-shops shopping. These people (of which I am one) are obviously not the most organised shoppers, otherwise they would have purchased everything they need on their weekly shopping trip. So why expect that they'll remember to have a green bag with them?! Anyway, back to Woolies. If I visit the store after picking up the girls from school both the express lanes are plastic bag free. Then they will have 2 other checkouts open (go figure - this has to be one of the busiest times of the day and they just won't open any more checkouts!). Of these 2 one will be plastic bag free. So if you need to shop-between-shops and are silly enough to do it just after school when millions of other people need to go to the supermarket, you have to make do with having only one checkout available to you if you need plastic bags! And remember this checkout is also being used by people who are doing their weekly shopping, so it's a very long wait. I actually called the Manager down to the service desk and explained how ridiculous I thought his particular logic was. I had been standing in a line with (and i'm not exaggerating, I did actually count!) 10 other people (plus associated children, trolleys, baskets) for about 15 minutes and they didn't open another checkout! I explained, very politely, to this man that if I came here again at that time of day and encountered the same situation then I would not come back. Two days later I went back after school and it was exactly the same! He said to me that it wasn't their choice, that the Govt was forcing them to do this. What a load of crap! I go to lots of other supermarkets and they don't operate the same way. Express lanes in other Woolies are not all plastic bag free. They have more checkouts open, especially when they can see a queue building.
I think some of the checkout operators are punishing my generation (and older ones) for damaging the earth to such an extent that now they have to pack fabric bags that are much heavier to lift to the end of the checkout than the plastic ones were. Ok, I get it, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that we stuffed up the planet. I'm sorry that we've polluted. I'm sorry that we thought plastic was a miracle invention that solved the problem of chopping down trees to make shopping bags. But enough already! Relax! Let me have some plastic bags for my bin without making me feel like I've just sliced the throat of a baby seal! Cos if you don't give them to me, I'm going to have to buy plastic bin liners from Aisle 8, and they're probably going to take even longer to break down than the shopping bags.
What I actually wanted to talk about - got a bit off track there! - was that I have quite deliberately purchased green bags from various supermarkets. When I shop at Woolies (which is very rare now, but I do every now and then) I make sure I give the checkout operator my Coles and Foodland bags! When I go to Coles I make sure I give them the Woolies and Foodland bags to fill first! Am I just being pig-headed? Probably.
I'm not overly loyal to any one chain of supermarkets. I like Foodland cos they use (mostly) South Australian produce and I like to support my (almost) neighbours. They also have Bagel Boys bagels and I just loooooove them! I like Woolies (kind of) cos they have these boxes of Apple Bars that the girls really like for school - home brand of course so I can't get them anywhere else. Also my local Woolies is next to Big W, so if I have to go to Big W it just makes sense. And I like Coles for......not sure really! There is one not far from home and it used to be a Bi-Lo so it's nice and small. I like that. It's quick to get around. It does have less choice of brands but I can live with that. Oh yeah, I really like the Woolies at a bigger centre near me - they've had a major upgrade and have self-service checkouts! Yeah baby! I don't have to talk to checkout operators who want to know how my day is going (they don't know what they're in for - I actually said one day "I just found out my husband has been living a double life and after 10years of marriage we've separated, so my day isn't great"!!!) or they want to know what I've got planned for the weekend (my BF actually said to a young guy that asked her this question "why, do you want to ask me out?!")....I know they're doing their job but why can't their market research people ask me what I want - cos I'd sure as heck tell them I don't want 15 year olds prying into my private life! Anyway, a local Woolies has self-service. You scan it all yourself, pay by cash, card, get cash out, split the payment across two cards if you need to - you can do it all yourself and you don't have to speak to a single person! I LOVE that!
I thought of a term for myself this morning - I'm a green bag whore! I'll get them from anyone, anywhere. I even have one from the local library that I use at the supermarket. Last week when I was shopping I saw a lady who had co-ordinated bags! They were all exactly the same! I couldn't believe it. I thought it was quite sad, cos she's obviously organised enough to have bought them all at the same time, and always has them with her. I like to be a bit more random and surprising with my shopping bags. I have bags that are purple, pink, green black and blue. I have a very colourful trolley and now I'm actually remembering to put them in the boot after I've unpacked the groceries.
But I still won't go to the local Woolies unless I really really have to.
Happy shopping!

The Power of Place

It seems to be a very powerful thing, to know whose you are, where you belong, where you come from, where you go to for shelter and protection, etc.

I don't quite understand how a tattoo can fill this hole but it has. I feel like I've been branded, by my Dad. I guess in a crude sense it's like branding your cattle - it says they belong to you and if they are found wandering it's clear where they need to be returned to (or where they belong).

I think it was touched on a bit in the movie Australia when the young boy needed to go walkabout to find himself, to find who he really was as a person.

What do you do when you don't know what your heritage is? How do you find your sense of 'place' then? I think this has been part of my searching. Having found the signature of a parent I barely knew has helped me find my 'place'.

Here it is!

So, this is my new tattoo - decided I didn't want to wait for it to heal up properly before I show you. It is a bit red and swollen, so it will look nicer in a week or so.

The guy who did it said my Dad had really crappy handwriting! I explained that he'd been a shearer, so when I first asked Mum for a signature I was kind of expecting it might be an 'X' on a page! I was actually impressed with it. I had to explain to the tattooist (who is an artist, a very very good one, and a perfectionist) that I know this isn't 'art' and what he's used to doing, but it's really important to me. He did understand that, and was encouraging me to come back and get some art done sometime.... we'll see.

It actually didn't hurt as much as I thought it would - but yes, it did hurt! There were two guys who got there at the same time and they'd both booked in for 4 hours of work!!!! Oh my gosh! I just can't imagine laying there for 4 hours with that sort of pain and no epidural! I did say to him that if he could give me an epidural I'd consider coming for a 4 hour session, but he just laughed so I guess that's not going to happen.

I'm going out for dinner tonight so hopefully it won't bother me too much while I'm being a little social butterfly. One thing's for sure - I'm positive it won't stop me from wanting to eat!!! lol....

I haven't told the girls yet that I've got it and they've just left with D until tomorrow afternoon. If I can I'll probably wait til it's healed up a bit first and looks a bit prettier.

Well, that's all for now folks. Cheerio

Tattoo

Hah! I bet that title got your attention!

I'm heading off shortly to get a tattoo. My Mum found a copy of my Dad's signature (from their wedding certificate) and I'm getting his signature tattooed near my heart. Why? Some of you would know why, but for the others, I've always felt I had a 'dad hole' in me. He died when I was about 4 years old. I don't think I really understood the dad hole until I reconnected with his half sister when I was in my twenties (late twenties I think). When I spent time with her that first time I remember thinking "this is where I've come from, this is who I am and where I belong". It's not that I felt like I didn't belong in my family - I've always felt very firmly a sense of belonging with my Mum and siblings. You'd only have to see a photo of us all to know that we're related and that gives a big sense of belonging, and also even though we're all quite different we are all very similar. But there were pieces of the puzzle of 'me' that were still missing for me, and getting to know Dad's side of the family has helped to fill those pieces. I will never be able to have a chat with my Dad but I feel that having his signature tattooed on me reminds me of where I belong, whose I am, and keeps him close to me in a way.

I'm also thinking about getting another tattoo (shock, horror, gasp!) perhaps on my lower back of a symbol of new beginnings. I haven't settled yet on what I want it to be, but I think perhaps for my birthday I might do that. But then again, after today I might decide I never want that sort of pain again!

Well, I'm gonna get going. Once the tattoo's stopped bleeding and pussing and crusting (!) I'll take a photo and post it here on my blog.

Wish me luck..... (I am quite nervous and scared about doing something so radical and permanent and painful!)

Friendship and taking sides

Speaking to D the other night and he told me that he's going to a men's bible study at church now, and is going to a home group that we used to go to as a family for a while. We stopped going cos we seemed to spend most of the night trying to get the girls to go to sleep and then when they finally did, it would be nearly time to go home, so we kind of just gave up and stopped going.
I'm really happy for him that he's doing this stuff cos I know it will be really good for him and his journey. BUT I'm also actually angry at him for doing it. Curious, isn't it!? I'm angry that now he might journey through all this crap I've been wanting him to journey through for years, and he might actually deal with some significant stuff. And it's too late for us. Speaking with a friend of his today I said all this (above) and he said, why is it too late? I told him that I can't go back into marriage with Daniel after what he's done, and he said so there's no redemption for him then? It was an innocent question and certainly wasn't meant to judge me (at least I don't think it was) and it represents so much misunderstanding around our situation. I explained that my decision has nothing to do with redemption or forgiveness - I forgive him every single day, but I can never ever never trust him again. If you don't have trust you can't have a marriage. I think he understood what I was saying but there is a very fine line for me now with people making judgements about my decision and supporting us both through this. I get the feeling that some Christian friends are 'encouraging' him (trying to help him see the good in life and helping to lift him out of his despair) and either deliberately or inadvertently feeding his false hope that we will get back together again. I'm not just talking about this friend I spoke with today. How do you continue an honest friendship with both parties from a marriage breakdown, and not judge or mislead either of them? I'm not actually sure that any of us in our humanity can do it, and even with the wisdom and discernment we can have from God I don't think it's possible. So where does that leave us? I guess it leaves me assessing all my friendships with honest eyes and heart, and being realistic about what people can and do offer me in the way of support and what I expect from them.
I've been reading a book called "growing through divorce" and it has been really quite helpful, considering it's written by an American. He does talk about the fact that most (almost everyone) lose friends when they go through a divorce. I scoffed at that to start with but now I'm starting to see the truth of it. I don't for a second believe that people dislike me for my decision. But I do think some people are very challenged by it for lots of reasons, most of which I'll never even know about let alone understand. I am aware though that people who have been through 'similar' situations (ie separation and/or divorce) can view my separation through the lens of their own experience. This is just normal human behaviour. And it's reasonable then to think that if they made a certain decision then why can't I? Well, it's because my situation isn't the same as anyone else's. D and I are not the same people as they are, so we all bring different personalities and other issues to the situation. I can't deal with this the same way that other wives have dealt with similar issues. Because I am me. I am starting to understand why some of my friendships will be changing. I still value those friends dearly but I know that there's been a shift and my expectations will be different.
I guess to be honest, it didn't start just with the separation. There have certainly been instances in the past where I've gone through a significant time in my life and friendships have grown or faded through it, and I've just adjusted and kept going. Same thing now.
It's all food for thought.
On a completely different note, I have some friends with a little boy who is really sick. They adopted him from the Philippines and found out after he turned 2 that he has an awful condition called Chiari Malformation. He's gotten a lot worse (he's now 3) and they're flying to Sydney this weekend for him to have brain and spinal surgery to try and stop (or lessen) the effects it's having on him. Please pray for them all that the doctors will have success in halting the degeneration of his body, and that maybe they could find some kind of cure - there is no cure at the moment. They have three older children at home as well. A really tough time for them all as they (quite literally) are doing all they can for the life of their little boy.
Til next time

Studying

Hi there readers. Is anyone out there??!!!!
Today I started studying with on line university. Something different. If I can stick at it, and succeed, I will get a Bachelor of Behavioural Studies sometime within the coming millenium. I logged on to the website today and was immediately overwhelmed with the amount of information to read through. I'll get there, but it's a bit tricky finding where 'there' is as there seems to be lots of hidey hole places that they publish all this information! Ah well, it's a great learning experience. At least I know how to use the computer. :-)
Our 'little' music group is just going crazy at the moment. Last year we saw steady growth all year (at times the growth was actually explosive but it always seemed to settle down after a couple of weeks). This year we're getting new families every week! We've had to say goodbye to a couple of families who are moving interstate or overseas so you'd think the whole natural attrition thing would kick in, but it doesn't seem to be. We had 31 families today over two classes and when many of these families have two or sometimes three children it makes for a very busy time! I'm glad my friend "Mrs Wiggle" has the energy to keep up with them during the singing time. I certainly get my fair share during play time too. The families really are great and it's just nice to get out and meet lots of different people from really different backgrounds each week.
I've been having a big battle with Centrelink lately - why can't anyone in that organisation get their information correct? For a couple of months I've had people telling me that it's ok to study part time, and that I will still be meeting my obligations to get the Parenting Payment. Then last Tuesday a lovely young lady in my local office explained that I actually need to be studying full time, or I need to get some work as well as study part time! Stike me pink! I thought I was doing the right thing! I came home and tried to enroll in another subject but of course enrolments closed two weeks ago so I can't! I just love Centrelink. I think I've kind of got it sorted now (after a meeting with the Manager of my local office) so we'll see how we go.
I think my psychologist is doing her job well - since I've been seeing her my emotions have gone to pot! Now that I've moved house it seems that there were a lot of issues I hadn't really given a lot of 'air time' to that are now demanding some attention. I'm really thankful that I have a psychologist who is sensible and intelligent both at the same time! Who'd have thunk it?!
Have had lots of 'explosions' with Madame I. Her Asperger's issues are quite prominent at the moment. There has been a lot for her to deal with- going back to school, moving house, being in a small room with a younger sister who knows just which buttons to press to get a big reaction, etc. I was thinking today about the Clipsal500 being set up and I remember last year going to see her psychologist when the roads were closed, then I realised it's the same time of year again. Perhaps it's something we'll have at the start of each year as she adjusts to the new grade, new teacher, new classmates, etc. So I'm going to just sit it out, love her lots and see if it settles down soon (I'm hoping it will!).
I've loved reading the blogs from Ozimum, a good friend who has just come home with her new daughter (and husband....) from China. It's been an amazing, beautiful journey and they have the most beautiful little princess. She's just gorgeous. It's been really nice seeing the joy she's already brought to their family.
Still haven't heard whether I'm allowed to have a garage sale, so keep watching this space....