I wish God was like Father Christmas. If you're nice and you do your chores, be kind to other people, then you get what you want.
Unfortunately God is not Father Christmas. I can't have what I want.
Last night D took off his wedding ring and admitted (accepted?) that our marriage is over. I know this was really hard for him to do and strangely it was really hard for me too. I wanted him to do it, at least to acknowledge that he has caused this, to take ownership of it. But it was actually quite devastating to see it.
I have wanted our marriage to be over for 6 months. Mostly, that was because I was hurt and angry. Now that D isn't wearing the ring anymore I know it is over, and I feel resigned to that. It was a marriage that was so broken it could not ever be fixed.
He still holds out some hope that one day it will be fixed - but he isn't taking any ownership of his bisexuality and in all that we talked about he didn't mention it once. He talked about being unfaithful but he didn't talk about the fact that he's attracted to men as well as women.
Today I feel incredibly sad. I'm sad that my marriage is finally over. I'm also sad that D just can't accept who he is. I'm sad that he can't live authentically and I'm sad for what that will mean for our daughters in years to come. I'm also sad about letting go of my hope to be truly loved and truly happy. I think there was a time when I was truly happy, in the very early days of our marriage. I'm not sure that I will ever find that kind of happiness again, because now I am cynical and untrusting.
2 comments:
Hey Jen. Just had a thought reading your blogs (you've had a tough time eh?). In your las blog you said that the pastor asked you what would make you think that D was on the road to recovery and you told him that taking his ring off would do that. Then this blog talks about the ring coming off. I wonder though ... how much is D really accepting responsibility for his actions and how much is grasping at straws (i.e. the Pastor says J will think I'm on the road to recovery if I take my ring off)??
I don't suppose it really matters does it? You could get yourself into a nightmare trying to understand D's compulsions and twisted logic (love the drive-thru comment by the way ... that's funny).
I know what you mean about the label thing. It is unequivocally human nature to compartmentalise things ... it's how we stay sane in the face of extreme adversity. The Psych says that D is bisexual ... no question. That gives you a degree of freedom, because you know what that means; there is no doubt.
Re being loved ... please don't give up on finding that special love that you long for. I KNOW that you belive in miracles (how could you be a Christian and not)!! It's still very early days and you have a lot of healing to do yourself ... in the meantime I love you without reservation and I'm proud and honoured that you are my sister. xxx TE
I want to reiterate what TE said! And hoping I don't sound trite :S
I understand the longing to be truly loved and truly happy, but at this stage of your life and love life, there's only One who can provide that for you. Hold out for a Love Miracle, that God will wrap you up in love and happiness. Until then, that's what God and girlfriends are for! :D Love you Jenni, so proud of all you are and what you've done. You're a wonderful mother and friend :)
Love AB
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