It's Hot

Hi all

Just in case you haven't noticed - IT'S HOT!!!!!!

Living in Tasmania is so appealing during our annual heat wave. I hate the heat.

Not much else to say.

Back on track

I'm still here - haven't done myself in out of desperation!

I'm really thankful for great friends who help steer me on this journey, and can be truthful with me.

I'm probably not moving to Strathalbyn just yet - it's still a possibility for the future, but not in the next 12 months.

This morning I was thinking about people's reactions to the news that friends have separated. I know of some pastors who have given warnings to people in the past about their behaviours or attitudes and that if they don't get dealt with, it will be the end of their marriage. Then when the marriage goes off the tracks, those people sit back and say "well, I did warn them....".

See, the thing is that just because we've given someone a warning about something, doesn't mean we are absolved of all responsibility does it? I know that people have to want to get help (ovbiously, I'm aware of that through very harsh personal experience) but don't we all have a responsibility to help one another (bearing each other's burdens whilst carrying our own loads). I don't think it's ok for anyone to sit back and feel satisfied that they've done all they could, just because they pointed out issues in another person's life. We need to journey with people on their road to healing, and I mean a solid, committed journey of life, not just a connecting on Sunday and a phone call during the week to make us feel better. That is not truly caring for someone. A Kiwi speaking at a Mainly Music conference last year (Mick Duncan) said that we need to solidly commit to journey with someone for 18months before we can expect to see any real change in their life. I think Rob Bell may have also reinforced this in one of his Nooma dvd's. ("004 Sunday")

What responsibility do we have to help each other along this journey? I don't think Jesus would have just walked away if it looked too hard and too messy. But then with the Rich Young Ruler He laid out the conditions and allowed the guy to walk away.... I'm a bit confused. I guess I just don't like the self-righteousness that sometimes comes with people's attitudes and judgements regarding the mistakes and potholes we fall into in life sometimes.

On another completely different note - I'm very unhappy about our heatwave this week. Typically the first week back at school is a stinker, but isn't this just a bit ridiculous?! 35, 41, 41, 41, 39, 35, 37.....and that's celcius not farenheidt!!! Keep cool friends.

Housing and God's will

This is going to be just a great big whinge-fest - there's your warning!

I just can't believe the types of homes I am looking at in Adelaide for the money. A two bedroom shoe box for $280 a week, amongst a heap of other 2 bedroom shoe boxes. Then I look on realestate.com at Strathalbyn and I could have a 4 bedroom home with ducted air conditioning for the same price!

I have felt so strongly to not move the girls to another school, particularly with Madame I's Asperger's. She's in a school that finally understands and gives her amazing support (not that she needs a lot at school, but previously school staff have been hesitant to even acknowledge that she has a problem). The girls are both really happy in their school and I just don't want to move them - I would feel like a very irresponsible parent to move them again.

I try and have faith (in God) for a good home. I don't want a palace, but something with more back yard than a metre of concrete and another metre of scoria would be nice. Something with some kind of airconditioning would be nice. Something with two really good sized bedrooms would be good. Something that doesn't look like housing trust would be nice - you know, a neighbourhood where my kids would feel safe to at least walk to the letter box on their own.

So why can't I find what I need, and on the few occasions where I have found what I need, why do I not get accepted? Perhaps because of prejudice against single mums, perhaps because even though I have income I'm not actually employed by anyone (except my kids and they don't pay very well!).

Like I said the other day maybe there's some great lesson I need to learn before I can leave here. I can't even work out in my over-analytical mind what that might be - perhaps that's why I haven't learnt it yet!

How do you stand and keep fighting when everything seems to be against you? Even God doesn't seem to be listening or paying any attention.

I know He loves us all the time. We are His children. But does He bless us all the time? Or just when we do what He wants us to? That's rhetorical (just in case you're wondering). I know it's rhetorical, but in assessing and analysing my situation I wonder if there's a barrier to new housing because I'm not praying enough, or not worshipping enough, or maybe it's because I haven't been to church for a couple of weeks, or perhaps I'm harbouring bad feelings about people.....and the list goes on.

I know that as a parent I don't just want to bless my kids when they're behaving and doing what I want them to. I want to be there for them and bless them all the time. God is (apparently) a much better parent than me, so what gives? I don't even really see this as a blessing, but more a provision of a basic necessity.

I just don't understand, and can't see a way forward. I don't have any hope anymore and feel I'm just going through the motions. I feel trapped, all because I chose not to put up with the crap D was doing.

So if there are any theologians out there who would like to give me some input, please feel free! Or anyone who has a word of wisdom, I would appreciate it.

Another shitty day.....

Took Madame I to the dentist this morning. She had half an adult tooth knocked out at school and it's been so bloomin' hard to get the school dentist to deal with it when "I" am ready for it.... We even saw a private dentist in early December to get a temporary filling fixed up and he just left this big ugly glob of temporary filling there looking awful, but he'd done an x-ray and said she needs root canal! OMG! I hated having it done myself, so I just couldn't imagine how Madame I was going to cope, given her sensitivities to noise and pain.... The school dentist today took another x-ray and said she doesn't need root canal! Boy, who do you believe?! I'm happy to believe the guy today cos it means I don't have to deal with coaching her through a very painful experience. He cleaned up the temporary filling today (ground it down a bit so it looks neater) and she was squealing with discomfort just with that! So he suggested if she does have to have root canal they may send her to another school dental clinic where they can use happy gas - I said I thought that was a super idea! Another check up in 3 months.

Having to confront the reality of life as a single parent with money struggles. It hasn't really been an issue up til now, and I guess I knew it would kick in eventually. I feel a bit panicky worrying about what I need and can't afford, but have a sense that 'all will be ok' so am trying not to worry too much.

When you're married you always have another adult to share responsibility with. As a single person you don't. I remember booking our flights to Qld I just about had a panic attack worrying about all the things that could go wrong and it would be all my fault! At least when D was here I could have blamed him, as you do. Now there just isn't anyone else to blame when stuff doesn't turn out the way I think it will. It's also good to have someone else in the house with an earning capacity. It gives you so much more 'room' in planning things. I guess we all live within our means (at least, hopefully we do) and my 'means' are just a lot more limited and I need some time to adjust to that. Moving out of this bloody house will help a lot if it ever happens! I hate having any level of dependency on D just because I can't get out of this house and reduce my outgoings at the moment. The fact that I'm still here suggests to me that there is a reason for me to be here and with my reasonably negative way of looking at the world I figure that the reason is that I have to learn stuff that I've been too stubborn to learn yet..... I can't for the life of me think of what I would still have to learn in life?!!!! I thought I'd already 'arrived'. lmao

So I take another deep breath and just get on with the little things that need to be done each moment of each day - washing clothes, housework (YUK - to be avoided at all costs!), preparing meals for the girls, spending lots of time on blogging, facebook, etc. I do still remember very clearly in the early days of separation feeling like I was struggling just to breathe! I know that sounds a bit dramatic but I did feel very overwhelmed and almost like my very life was being sucked out of me. Well, I am still breathing and I don't need to think about it much these days so that's a really big improvement isn't it? It will be good when school goes back next week and we can all get back into some kind of routine.

Until later.....

Back from holiday

My first blog! What a moment. Still not sure I want my thoughts out there, but we'll see how it goes.

Came home on Sunday evening from 7 days in Queensland, staying with some friends on the Gold Coast. The girls and I had an absoloute blast, doing things I just never thought we'd do.

I've never ever done an expensive holiday before. I'd always thought it was too frivolous and the money would be better spent on bills, or other things closer to home. I guess D had also reinforced that.

On our first day we went to Warner Bros. Movie World and when we walked in the gate I actually cried! I was a bit shocked by the emotion I felt, but it was so exciting to be in a place that I'd seen on tv etc and there we were! And to see the excitement on the girl's faces was just precious. We also went to Wet'n'Wild and Seaworld which were just great. I think Seaworld was the favourite for all of us. The girls were very tentative on rides first (this is just the rides in the little kid's sections - we didn't go on any in the 'big scary rides' sections!) but after a while they got their confidence up and there was just no stopping them! We went on the river ride at Movie World, where you go on a gentle boat ride looking for Bugs Bunny, and they were terrified! "Princess S" (second daughter) cried through half of it.....I couldn't believe how scared she was, or why, even tho it was dark etc, it wasn't really scary. My girls just take life so seriously.

On the second night there "Madame I" (oldest daughter) said "Mum, thank you so much for bringing us to Queensland". Boy, that was a very sweet moment.

We stayed with some friends who have both been married before and my good friend gave me some great advice and was a great shoulder to lean on. It was nice to be really understood. It was just so good to be away from home for a few days and not think about all the pressures waiting for me - dealing with D and all the emotional stuff that's still there for me, the practical stuff, looking for a new rental house that is a MASSIVE stress for me, paying bills, still wrestling with whether I should go back to work to make life more livable in the short term even though I know that's not best for us all, etc, etc.

Sometimes it's just so hard to do what you know is the right thing to do when it means life is a bit harder to navigate, when you could do something else that would make life a whole lot easier in some ways - it just sucks so much that having money gives you so many more options in life!

I feel so desperately helpless, and hopeless, about our house situation. I know God is in control and He knew what we would be needing a long time ago, but the daily wrestle is pretty intense at times. I do have moments (and sometimes even a few hours) of peace about it so I'm sure it will really be ok in the long run.

I guess that will do for now. Plenty more to come, but I don't want to overwhelm anyone who might actually read this.....