Another shitty day.....

Took Madame I to the dentist this morning. She had half an adult tooth knocked out at school and it's been so bloomin' hard to get the school dentist to deal with it when "I" am ready for it.... We even saw a private dentist in early December to get a temporary filling fixed up and he just left this big ugly glob of temporary filling there looking awful, but he'd done an x-ray and said she needs root canal! OMG! I hated having it done myself, so I just couldn't imagine how Madame I was going to cope, given her sensitivities to noise and pain.... The school dentist today took another x-ray and said she doesn't need root canal! Boy, who do you believe?! I'm happy to believe the guy today cos it means I don't have to deal with coaching her through a very painful experience. He cleaned up the temporary filling today (ground it down a bit so it looks neater) and she was squealing with discomfort just with that! So he suggested if she does have to have root canal they may send her to another school dental clinic where they can use happy gas - I said I thought that was a super idea! Another check up in 3 months.

Having to confront the reality of life as a single parent with money struggles. It hasn't really been an issue up til now, and I guess I knew it would kick in eventually. I feel a bit panicky worrying about what I need and can't afford, but have a sense that 'all will be ok' so am trying not to worry too much.

When you're married you always have another adult to share responsibility with. As a single person you don't. I remember booking our flights to Qld I just about had a panic attack worrying about all the things that could go wrong and it would be all my fault! At least when D was here I could have blamed him, as you do. Now there just isn't anyone else to blame when stuff doesn't turn out the way I think it will. It's also good to have someone else in the house with an earning capacity. It gives you so much more 'room' in planning things. I guess we all live within our means (at least, hopefully we do) and my 'means' are just a lot more limited and I need some time to adjust to that. Moving out of this bloody house will help a lot if it ever happens! I hate having any level of dependency on D just because I can't get out of this house and reduce my outgoings at the moment. The fact that I'm still here suggests to me that there is a reason for me to be here and with my reasonably negative way of looking at the world I figure that the reason is that I have to learn stuff that I've been too stubborn to learn yet..... I can't for the life of me think of what I would still have to learn in life?!!!! I thought I'd already 'arrived'. lmao

So I take another deep breath and just get on with the little things that need to be done each moment of each day - washing clothes, housework (YUK - to be avoided at all costs!), preparing meals for the girls, spending lots of time on blogging, facebook, etc. I do still remember very clearly in the early days of separation feeling like I was struggling just to breathe! I know that sounds a bit dramatic but I did feel very overwhelmed and almost like my very life was being sucked out of me. Well, I am still breathing and I don't need to think about it much these days so that's a really big improvement isn't it? It will be good when school goes back next week and we can all get back into some kind of routine.

Until later.....