Feeling very melancholy today. Anzac Day always does that to me. So much loss.
Here's a poem I just wrote:
I may have a smile on my face when you see me
but that does not mean I'm happy
or content
or settled
or understanding
It means I don't feel safe to show my real face
I have to keep it all together
for my daughters
for my family
for my friends
for you
Thank you for being a friend and helping me through this very difficult time.
One day I will smile with my whole body again. One day I will wake up with confidence to face the day.
Until then, I have some amazing friends and family to help me.
I'm heading to my Mum's this afternoon for a card making workshop tomorrow with two of my sisters and I'm really looking forward to that.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
6 days of creation, then Adam....
On Sunday I was sitting in church and God reminded me of something my good friend DNW spoke to me about many years ago, from a slightly different perspective. I then had quite a revelation about the creation of Adam.
After God created Adam He could see that it wasn't good for man to be alone. So He brought all the animals He's just created and paraded them before Adam, and asked Adam to name them all. After every single animal in the world had been presented, God could see that none of them were suitable to be Adam's help-mate. So God put Adam to sleep and He created Eve from Adam's rib. I think in this day and age, with the way we relate to God much of the time, we would expect that God would have called Adam over and shared His concept of woman....and ask for Adam's opinion.
But no, God didn't do that. He put Adam to sleep.
When Adam had his greatest need, God put Him to sleep. A rest. Adam rested and God provided the solution.
The other part of my revelation on Sunday was that as I opened my Bible and started re-reading the passage around Adam's creation something quite staggering occurred to me. God created the world in 6 days, then He rested, then He created Adam. Adam wasn't a part of the initial creation! Why? God says He created man in our image (our = trinity). He wasn't created along with the land, sea, birds, etc. He was created as an extension of the relationship within the Trinity.
I had never ever thought about this. I'd always just thought that Adam and Eve were created within the 6 days.....obviously hadn't read my Bible, had I?!
Tonight I mentioned this to BF and she said that she'd never really thought about it cos He rested on the 7th day, so there must have been (in her reasoning) more work to do. I'd never seen it that way. I'd always thought He'd worked pretty hard for the 6 days, so He deserved a rest and I didn't ever think about "what did He do after that?!" Her assumption was that there must have been more cos His rest was only for one day..... it's all the way we see it, isn't it? I think I'm a looking-back kind of person and BF is a looking-forward kind of person.....perhaps.
After God created Adam He could see that it wasn't good for man to be alone. So He brought all the animals He's just created and paraded them before Adam, and asked Adam to name them all. After every single animal in the world had been presented, God could see that none of them were suitable to be Adam's help-mate. So God put Adam to sleep and He created Eve from Adam's rib. I think in this day and age, with the way we relate to God much of the time, we would expect that God would have called Adam over and shared His concept of woman....and ask for Adam's opinion.
But no, God didn't do that. He put Adam to sleep.
When Adam had his greatest need, God put Him to sleep. A rest. Adam rested and God provided the solution.
The other part of my revelation on Sunday was that as I opened my Bible and started re-reading the passage around Adam's creation something quite staggering occurred to me. God created the world in 6 days, then He rested, then He created Adam. Adam wasn't a part of the initial creation! Why? God says He created man in our image (our = trinity). He wasn't created along with the land, sea, birds, etc. He was created as an extension of the relationship within the Trinity.
I had never ever thought about this. I'd always just thought that Adam and Eve were created within the 6 days.....obviously hadn't read my Bible, had I?!
Tonight I mentioned this to BF and she said that she'd never really thought about it cos He rested on the 7th day, so there must have been (in her reasoning) more work to do. I'd never seen it that way. I'd always thought He'd worked pretty hard for the 6 days, so He deserved a rest and I didn't ever think about "what did He do after that?!" Her assumption was that there must have been more cos His rest was only for one day..... it's all the way we see it, isn't it? I think I'm a looking-back kind of person and BF is a looking-forward kind of person.....perhaps.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Reactions and support
When most people ask me how I am I give the pat answer "I'm fine". For some people, who know about my situation, I tell them the truth and we discuss for a while the things I've been learning or understanding in a new way etc.
Then some of these people point out to me the good things that are happening, the great news that I'm growing so much as a person and I'm so much bigger a woman than I was six months ago.
The problem is, that when I have all the great, wonderful things pointed out to me, I feel as though it invalidates all the yukky stuff. It's almost as though some people can't deal with the yukky stuff, so all they can reflect back (I guess this is a part of the whole active listening thing) is the positive stuff.
I don't want to see all the great positive things cos then I guess that gives some meaning to what I'm going through. I don't want it to have meaning - and I certainly don't think I am going through all of this so that I can be a better person! I was already perfect, wasn't I?! I know I search for meaning in my experiences but I don't want other people to do that.....hmmmm.....I'm a bit confusing, aren't I.
Then some of these people point out to me the good things that are happening, the great news that I'm growing so much as a person and I'm so much bigger a woman than I was six months ago.
The problem is, that when I have all the great, wonderful things pointed out to me, I feel as though it invalidates all the yukky stuff. It's almost as though some people can't deal with the yukky stuff, so all they can reflect back (I guess this is a part of the whole active listening thing) is the positive stuff.
I don't want to see all the great positive things cos then I guess that gives some meaning to what I'm going through. I don't want it to have meaning - and I certainly don't think I am going through all of this so that I can be a better person! I was already perfect, wasn't I?! I know I search for meaning in my experiences but I don't want other people to do that.....hmmmm.....I'm a bit confusing, aren't I.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
A new paradigm
Well, I'm going to 'discuss' (which means I type, you read...hee hee) something very different tonight. I think most of you reading this blog know the basis of my marriage breakdown - and I really want to throw a big thought out there to you, so I'm going to talk about it fairly openly.
D apparently has a history of having homosexual relationships. There, I've said it. It's actually quite hard to have this 'out there'. I read somewhere the other day that when people go through this kind of situation, if the one who's been doing what D has doesn't 'come out of the closet', they take the 'straight spouse' into the closet with them. I have certainly experienced that. There are many, many people in our lives who do not know this truth so when I'm with those unenlightened people, I have to stay 'in the closet' too. I'm 'outing' myself to you.
I have had a huge struggle with this in line with my faith. My intention here is not to offend anyone. I am trying to reconcile two mind-sets that until now have been mutually exclusive in my mind. But now I am faced with knowing the truth about D, as far as I know it. I have to bear in mind that at some point (probably in the next couple of years) Miss I at least, will want more in-depth answers than she currently has regarding our separation and I want to be respectful to her Dad as well as be true to our faith/beliefs when I talk to her about this. I can't just dismiss this and think "well, he's gay, he's not honest about it, he's going to hell". I also can't accept that this orientation is 'normal' or the way it was meant to be for us.
After some soul searching, some discussions through on-line forums with both Christian and very-definitely-not-all-Christians I have formed the following thoughts/beliefs about all this. I'd really like to know what you think of it, especially from a Biblical perspective if you are able to.
God created Adam and Eve. He looked at His creation (the whole world) and saw that it was good. Then both Adam and Eve disobeyed God's command to not eat of the knowledge of good and evil. That act could not be undone. Sin forever entered the world. We are all 'born into sin' which means that even innocent babies are born with Sin inherently in them. That sin for some can be compulsive lying, overeating, sexual promiscuity, gossiping, taking advantage of others, homosexuality, etc....... the list could be endless. There is no way we, of our own abilities, can completely overcome this Sin. Jesus was sent into the world to be the 'second Adam'. He reconciled us in our relationship with God. We can once again "walk with Him in the cool of the garden" although this is now more of a figurative garden rather than a physical garden.
Just to clarify something here - I believe that some people are born with a predisposition toward homosexuality. I think that in some of these people circumstances (perhaps very liberal parents, sexual abuse, friends inviting them to experiment) bring this to the surface and they act on the impulse they were born with. I also think there are some people who are born with this predisposition and don't understand it, or don't accept it because they are never given the permission to act on it. In D's case he was brought up in a fundamental Christian family and was always taught that this was wrong. He also has lived through a family member coming out of the closet and I think he's very aware of the change in family dynamics if this were to become who he is long-term.
We pray for people to be healed of lots of different things. Some people have cancer that we pray for the deliverance of. Others have disabilities, diabetes, depression or addictions.
I think that when we pray for a disabled child to be healed we know that God is sovereign and He decides who he heals and who he doesn't - we know from experience that not everyone that we pray for receives healing in this lifetime. We accept that this is God's domain but we petition Him anyway and hope in Him that He will choose to heal the one we're praying for. We don't expect that the good nature of the child will influence whether or not they are healed. We don't think that if the child is really well behaved and does all the 'right' things, then God will heal them.
I believe that the only way God wants us to be is in a healthy heterosexual relationship. And by the way, it's not ok for men to abuse the power they have over their wives, and women to manipulate their husbands to get what they want - these situations also need to be healed.
However, when we (and I mean collectively Christianity, and more specifically myself) look at D and pray for his healing in this area I have been expecting his healing because he wants it, or because he's a good man, or because he has been doing all the right things. I've looked at his healing as being dependent on his character. [Perhaps also I believe that an active drug addict who doesn't really want help, shouldn't be healed (based on their actions). That's probably for another blog, perhaps.]
My point is, with a person with a disability (in particular with children) we expect God's healing based on God's character and his love for us all, but with D we expect God's healing based on D's character, not God's.
I also believe in line with all this, that if D never receives healing and actually becomes an openly 'gay' man, we should love and accept him as much as we did before all this came out. Our churches should be places where people are accepted and loved for who they are, not for who we want them to be one day, or for who we think God will accept. He accepts everyone, regardless of who they are or what they've done - or even for what they continue to do. His love never changes, but our ability to accept it does. We (the church) need to show D how to accept the love that Jesus offers him just as he is. We need to be able to love him knowing all about his sordid 'other life' - in spite of it. We must love the whole person, not just the bits we find palatable and safe. If we can't do that then we're not fulfilling our calling. Jesus hung around the worst of the worst in his society. He gave them a choice. Our choices are always going to be tainted by that Sin that we are born into. I cannot follow Jesus perfectly because I cannot be perfect this side of Heaven. Why do I expect others to be perfect when I know I can't?!
Another point in this situation is that there are two distinct things for me to come to terms with, and to reconcile. The first is that the man who has been my best friend for 11 years is gay (most likely, based on his actions). The second is that my husband has lied and been unfaithful to me on many occasions - the 'fallout' of this is the same regardless of who he's been having sex with. I strive daily to remember that there are in fact two issues, and try to keep them separate as much as I can. It has helped me in 'moving on' to keep them separate and deal with them separately.
I think I'll write more on this when my brain has had a rest.
If you are interested at all in the websites I've found helpful (for your own understanding) then email me and I'll send you the URLs.
D apparently has a history of having homosexual relationships. There, I've said it. It's actually quite hard to have this 'out there'. I read somewhere the other day that when people go through this kind of situation, if the one who's been doing what D has doesn't 'come out of the closet', they take the 'straight spouse' into the closet with them. I have certainly experienced that. There are many, many people in our lives who do not know this truth so when I'm with those unenlightened people, I have to stay 'in the closet' too. I'm 'outing' myself to you.
I have had a huge struggle with this in line with my faith. My intention here is not to offend anyone. I am trying to reconcile two mind-sets that until now have been mutually exclusive in my mind. But now I am faced with knowing the truth about D, as far as I know it. I have to bear in mind that at some point (probably in the next couple of years) Miss I at least, will want more in-depth answers than she currently has regarding our separation and I want to be respectful to her Dad as well as be true to our faith/beliefs when I talk to her about this. I can't just dismiss this and think "well, he's gay, he's not honest about it, he's going to hell". I also can't accept that this orientation is 'normal' or the way it was meant to be for us.
After some soul searching, some discussions through on-line forums with both Christian and very-definitely-not-all-Christians I have formed the following thoughts/beliefs about all this. I'd really like to know what you think of it, especially from a Biblical perspective if you are able to.
God created Adam and Eve. He looked at His creation (the whole world) and saw that it was good. Then both Adam and Eve disobeyed God's command to not eat of the knowledge of good and evil. That act could not be undone. Sin forever entered the world. We are all 'born into sin' which means that even innocent babies are born with Sin inherently in them. That sin for some can be compulsive lying, overeating, sexual promiscuity, gossiping, taking advantage of others, homosexuality, etc....... the list could be endless. There is no way we, of our own abilities, can completely overcome this Sin. Jesus was sent into the world to be the 'second Adam'. He reconciled us in our relationship with God. We can once again "walk with Him in the cool of the garden" although this is now more of a figurative garden rather than a physical garden.
Just to clarify something here - I believe that some people are born with a predisposition toward homosexuality. I think that in some of these people circumstances (perhaps very liberal parents, sexual abuse, friends inviting them to experiment) bring this to the surface and they act on the impulse they were born with. I also think there are some people who are born with this predisposition and don't understand it, or don't accept it because they are never given the permission to act on it. In D's case he was brought up in a fundamental Christian family and was always taught that this was wrong. He also has lived through a family member coming out of the closet and I think he's very aware of the change in family dynamics if this were to become who he is long-term.
We pray for people to be healed of lots of different things. Some people have cancer that we pray for the deliverance of. Others have disabilities, diabetes, depression or addictions.
I think that when we pray for a disabled child to be healed we know that God is sovereign and He decides who he heals and who he doesn't - we know from experience that not everyone that we pray for receives healing in this lifetime. We accept that this is God's domain but we petition Him anyway and hope in Him that He will choose to heal the one we're praying for. We don't expect that the good nature of the child will influence whether or not they are healed. We don't think that if the child is really well behaved and does all the 'right' things, then God will heal them.
I believe that the only way God wants us to be is in a healthy heterosexual relationship. And by the way, it's not ok for men to abuse the power they have over their wives, and women to manipulate their husbands to get what they want - these situations also need to be healed.
However, when we (and I mean collectively Christianity, and more specifically myself) look at D and pray for his healing in this area I have been expecting his healing because he wants it, or because he's a good man, or because he has been doing all the right things. I've looked at his healing as being dependent on his character. [Perhaps also I believe that an active drug addict who doesn't really want help, shouldn't be healed (based on their actions). That's probably for another blog, perhaps.]
My point is, with a person with a disability (in particular with children) we expect God's healing based on God's character and his love for us all, but with D we expect God's healing based on D's character, not God's.
I also believe in line with all this, that if D never receives healing and actually becomes an openly 'gay' man, we should love and accept him as much as we did before all this came out. Our churches should be places where people are accepted and loved for who they are, not for who we want them to be one day, or for who we think God will accept. He accepts everyone, regardless of who they are or what they've done - or even for what they continue to do. His love never changes, but our ability to accept it does. We (the church) need to show D how to accept the love that Jesus offers him just as he is. We need to be able to love him knowing all about his sordid 'other life' - in spite of it. We must love the whole person, not just the bits we find palatable and safe. If we can't do that then we're not fulfilling our calling. Jesus hung around the worst of the worst in his society. He gave them a choice. Our choices are always going to be tainted by that Sin that we are born into. I cannot follow Jesus perfectly because I cannot be perfect this side of Heaven. Why do I expect others to be perfect when I know I can't?!
Another point in this situation is that there are two distinct things for me to come to terms with, and to reconcile. The first is that the man who has been my best friend for 11 years is gay (most likely, based on his actions). The second is that my husband has lied and been unfaithful to me on many occasions - the 'fallout' of this is the same regardless of who he's been having sex with. I strive daily to remember that there are in fact two issues, and try to keep them separate as much as I can. It has helped me in 'moving on' to keep them separate and deal with them separately.
I think I'll write more on this when my brain has had a rest.
If you are interested at all in the websites I've found helpful (for your own understanding) then email me and I'll send you the URLs.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Tidy beds
Hiya - I know, I only did a blog last night, but there you go, apparently my brain is ready to work again!
This coming weekend the girls and I are going camping with BF and our friends, J and A and their Indian Princess, because it's Easter weekend and we can! So D has decided to take a couple of extra days annual leave and go to Perth for the weekend to see some friends, which is fine. I thought I'd be magnanimous (go look it up!) and allowed him to have the girls for the entire weekend that we've just had. He picked them up Friday night and they came back last night (Sunday). After they left on Friday I made their beds, cos it's one thing that very rarely gets done. I have never been one to go around and make all the beds in the morning - I do make my own, but I've never really made the girl's beds, and they don't do it either. Every now and then if I remember, I'll ask them to make the beds before they go to school. So I made the beds Friday evening and they stayed that way all weekend, of course.
I've been out at music this morning and when I came home I walked past their bedroom door and noticed their beds are messy again, and had a nanosecond thought "why can't they just make their beds", then I realised the truth of that annoying email that goes around that tells us we should be grateful for messy beds cos it means we have children in them.... I remembered this and felt really thankful for those two messy beds because they are a sign that my girls are home again.
It's funny, cos if you know me you know I'm not overly maternal, and certainly don't usually pine away when the girls aren't with me. But I did miss them a lot this weekend. I think it's the first time they've been gone for the whole weekend too, so I guess it's all normal and all, but I was a little surprised at how happy I was to see those unmade beds this afternoon.
Cheerio,
Jen
This coming weekend the girls and I are going camping with BF and our friends, J and A and their Indian Princess, because it's Easter weekend and we can! So D has decided to take a couple of extra days annual leave and go to Perth for the weekend to see some friends, which is fine. I thought I'd be magnanimous (go look it up!) and allowed him to have the girls for the entire weekend that we've just had. He picked them up Friday night and they came back last night (Sunday). After they left on Friday I made their beds, cos it's one thing that very rarely gets done. I have never been one to go around and make all the beds in the morning - I do make my own, but I've never really made the girl's beds, and they don't do it either. Every now and then if I remember, I'll ask them to make the beds before they go to school. So I made the beds Friday evening and they stayed that way all weekend, of course.
I've been out at music this morning and when I came home I walked past their bedroom door and noticed their beds are messy again, and had a nanosecond thought "why can't they just make their beds", then I realised the truth of that annoying email that goes around that tells us we should be grateful for messy beds cos it means we have children in them.... I remembered this and felt really thankful for those two messy beds because they are a sign that my girls are home again.
It's funny, cos if you know me you know I'm not overly maternal, and certainly don't usually pine away when the girls aren't with me. But I did miss them a lot this weekend. I think it's the first time they've been gone for the whole weekend too, so I guess it's all normal and all, but I was a little surprised at how happy I was to see those unmade beds this afternoon.
Cheerio,
Jen
Sunday, April 5, 2009
A bit of healing
I have some young friends who have been married for 6 months. She is 19 and he is 23. He is a scientist - and I only mention that because in my generic stereotypes of scientists, he's not supposed to have feelings or be in touch with those feelings at all. However, he is a rather unusual young scientist. He shows an amazing level of insight in the emotional world and I'd like to share part of an email he sent me. I did ask his permission to use this in my blog, so I'm not telling tales out of school. I just cried and cried when I first read it, and each time I've re-read it I still cry. I wish so many men in this world would 'get' this.
On another note; I wanted to let you know that you are handling your current experiences with a courage and fortitude that is rare, and beautiful in its own unique way. I can’t even begin to imagine the heartache that you’ve endured, the questioning, the searching; and yet, you have remained positive, are avoiding reacting out of bitterness, and are still encouraging to others. I know it doesn’t mean much, but as a man, I would like to say I’m sorry. We are (as a gender), for whatever reason, prone to selfishness, domination, manipulation and dishonesty in the pursuit of what we think we need. We too easily seek to control other people in an effort to satisfy our lusts, and that is wrong. It is wrong for us to take for granted the love, security and commitment of our wives, and then, thinking that these things are ‘in the bag’ seek temporary satisfaction elsewhere. I obviously do not understand your circumstances or history, but as a man, I am sorry that D betrayed your trust, and that he hurt you so much. As men, it should’ve been our responsibility to come alongside D long ago as brothers, and to help him deal with his pain and avoid the choices he has made. We failed you, and for that I am sorry.
I am confident that real healing for you will come in time. I can imagine that you must be scared about how you will eventually talk about this with your daughters; about how you will one day advise them about their own choices for marriage etc. I pray that God will speak to you of the fears of your heart, that He will give you the answers you seek, that He will meet you where you need Him. A and I are always at your disposal: for babysitting, for company, for any assistance you might need (I would offer my services as a stereotypical macho Mr Fix-It, but I fear you would already outrank me :P). Jenni, you are a beautiful, friendly and compassionate woman. Don’t ever allow these experiences to diminish your perception of yourself; you deserve nothing less than the best.
So, how about that? Any dry eyes?
For me, this was very healing - to have a man (ie someone who represents the men in the world) have such an understanding of the hurt and betrayal and broken trust is just quite amazing. I do wish that D was able to say these things (with some sort of authenticity) but that may never happen. I'm very thankful for this great friend for these words.
I decided to leave in all the bits where he says how wonderful I am - I like to be reminded of that, and now you all know too, so you can remind me as well!! lol
I feel like I don't have much to 'blog' at the moment....I've had a change in my anti-depressants over the last week and a bit and have been very 'out of it' as a result.
BF also found a Yahoo group that is a support for people who have spouses/children/friends etc in my kind of situation. I'm a bit hesitant to spell it out on this blog because I don't really know who's reading it and I'll never really be sure of whether we can all be identified... anyway, this Yahoo group has been incredible and the woman who runs it (from USA) is somewhat of an angel I think, in the very truest sense. She has insight into this stuff and is helping me (and BF) with lots of the questions we have. I think I'll just run with that group for a while and see how it goes.
by the way, if any of you are interested in having a look at this group they do have a website -email me and I'll send you the url for the website. I think it could be helpful to lots of people to read through what they say. They seem to have a very balanced view.
Also, re the above excerpt I did respond and let him know that many men had tried to reach out to D unsuccessfully over the years, and that the only real truth is that D just didn't want to be helped. I don't want him (or any other men) to feel that they failed me because they didn't. I certainly feel I've had many of the men in my life support me and help me and I'm really grateful for that.
Cheers for now.
On another note; I wanted to let you know that you are handling your current experiences with a courage and fortitude that is rare, and beautiful in its own unique way. I can’t even begin to imagine the heartache that you’ve endured, the questioning, the searching; and yet, you have remained positive, are avoiding reacting out of bitterness, and are still encouraging to others. I know it doesn’t mean much, but as a man, I would like to say I’m sorry. We are (as a gender), for whatever reason, prone to selfishness, domination, manipulation and dishonesty in the pursuit of what we think we need. We too easily seek to control other people in an effort to satisfy our lusts, and that is wrong. It is wrong for us to take for granted the love, security and commitment of our wives, and then, thinking that these things are ‘in the bag’ seek temporary satisfaction elsewhere. I obviously do not understand your circumstances or history, but as a man, I am sorry that D betrayed your trust, and that he hurt you so much. As men, it should’ve been our responsibility to come alongside D long ago as brothers, and to help him deal with his pain and avoid the choices he has made. We failed you, and for that I am sorry.
I am confident that real healing for you will come in time. I can imagine that you must be scared about how you will eventually talk about this with your daughters; about how you will one day advise them about their own choices for marriage etc. I pray that God will speak to you of the fears of your heart, that He will give you the answers you seek, that He will meet you where you need Him. A and I are always at your disposal: for babysitting, for company, for any assistance you might need (I would offer my services as a stereotypical macho Mr Fix-It, but I fear you would already outrank me :P). Jenni, you are a beautiful, friendly and compassionate woman. Don’t ever allow these experiences to diminish your perception of yourself; you deserve nothing less than the best.
So, how about that? Any dry eyes?
For me, this was very healing - to have a man (ie someone who represents the men in the world) have such an understanding of the hurt and betrayal and broken trust is just quite amazing. I do wish that D was able to say these things (with some sort of authenticity) but that may never happen. I'm very thankful for this great friend for these words.
I decided to leave in all the bits where he says how wonderful I am - I like to be reminded of that, and now you all know too, so you can remind me as well!! lol
I feel like I don't have much to 'blog' at the moment....I've had a change in my anti-depressants over the last week and a bit and have been very 'out of it' as a result.
BF also found a Yahoo group that is a support for people who have spouses/children/friends etc in my kind of situation. I'm a bit hesitant to spell it out on this blog because I don't really know who's reading it and I'll never really be sure of whether we can all be identified... anyway, this Yahoo group has been incredible and the woman who runs it (from USA) is somewhat of an angel I think, in the very truest sense. She has insight into this stuff and is helping me (and BF) with lots of the questions we have. I think I'll just run with that group for a while and see how it goes.
by the way, if any of you are interested in having a look at this group they do have a website -email me and I'll send you the url for the website. I think it could be helpful to lots of people to read through what they say. They seem to have a very balanced view.
Also, re the above excerpt I did respond and let him know that many men had tried to reach out to D unsuccessfully over the years, and that the only real truth is that D just didn't want to be helped. I don't want him (or any other men) to feel that they failed me because they didn't. I certainly feel I've had many of the men in my life support me and help me and I'm really grateful for that.
Cheers for now.
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