A new paradigm

Well, I'm going to 'discuss' (which means I type, you read...hee hee) something very different tonight. I think most of you reading this blog know the basis of my marriage breakdown - and I really want to throw a big thought out there to you, so I'm going to talk about it fairly openly.
D apparently has a history of having homosexual relationships. There, I've said it. It's actually quite hard to have this 'out there'. I read somewhere the other day that when people go through this kind of situation, if the one who's been doing what D has doesn't 'come out of the closet', they take the 'straight spouse' into the closet with them. I have certainly experienced that. There are many, many people in our lives who do not know this truth so when I'm with those unenlightened people, I have to stay 'in the closet' too. I'm 'outing' myself to you.

I have had a huge struggle with this in line with my faith. My intention here is not to offend anyone. I am trying to reconcile two mind-sets that until now have been mutually exclusive in my mind. But now I am faced with knowing the truth about D, as far as I know it. I have to bear in mind that at some point (probably in the next couple of years) Miss I at least, will want more in-depth answers than she currently has regarding our separation and I want to be respectful to her Dad as well as be true to our faith/beliefs when I talk to her about this. I can't just dismiss this and think "well, he's gay, he's not honest about it, he's going to hell". I also can't accept that this orientation is 'normal' or the way it was meant to be for us.

After some soul searching, some discussions through on-line forums with both Christian and very-definitely-not-all-Christians I have formed the following thoughts/beliefs about all this. I'd really like to know what you think of it, especially from a Biblical perspective if you are able to.

God created Adam and Eve. He looked at His creation (the whole world) and saw that it was good. Then both Adam and Eve disobeyed God's command to not eat of the knowledge of good and evil. That act could not be undone. Sin forever entered the world. We are all 'born into sin' which means that even innocent babies are born with Sin inherently in them. That sin for some can be compulsive lying, overeating, sexual promiscuity, gossiping, taking advantage of others, homosexuality, etc....... the list could be endless. There is no way we, of our own abilities, can completely overcome this Sin. Jesus was sent into the world to be the 'second Adam'. He reconciled us in our relationship with God. We can once again "walk with Him in the cool of the garden" although this is now more of a figurative garden rather than a physical garden.

Just to clarify something here - I believe that some people are born with a predisposition toward homosexuality. I think that in some of these people circumstances (perhaps very liberal parents, sexual abuse, friends inviting them to experiment) bring this to the surface and they act on the impulse they were born with. I also think there are some people who are born with this predisposition and don't understand it, or don't accept it because they are never given the permission to act on it. In D's case he was brought up in a fundamental Christian family and was always taught that this was wrong. He also has lived through a family member coming out of the closet and I think he's very aware of the change in family dynamics if this were to become who he is long-term.

We pray for people to be healed of lots of different things. Some people have cancer that we pray for the deliverance of. Others have disabilities, diabetes, depression or addictions.
I think that when we pray for a disabled child to be healed we know that God is sovereign and He decides who he heals and who he doesn't - we know from experience that not everyone that we pray for receives healing in this lifetime. We accept that this is God's domain but we petition Him anyway and hope in Him that He will choose to heal the one we're praying for. We don't expect that the good nature of the child will influence whether or not they are healed. We don't think that if the child is really well behaved and does all the 'right' things, then God will heal them.
I believe that the only way God wants us to be is in a healthy heterosexual relationship. And by the way, it's not ok for men to abuse the power they have over their wives, and women to manipulate their husbands to get what they want - these situations also need to be healed.
However, when we (and I mean collectively Christianity, and more specifically myself) look at D and pray for his healing in this area I have been expecting his healing because he wants it, or because he's a good man, or because he has been doing all the right things. I've looked at his healing as being dependent on his character. [Perhaps also I believe that an active drug addict who doesn't really want help, shouldn't be healed (based on their actions). That's probably for another blog, perhaps.]
My point is, with a person with a disability (in particular with children) we expect God's healing based on God's character and his love for us all, but with D we expect God's healing based on D's character, not God's.

I also believe in line with all this, that if D never receives healing and actually becomes an openly 'gay' man, we should love and accept him as much as we did before all this came out. Our churches should be places where people are accepted and loved for who they are, not for who we want them to be one day, or for who we think God will accept. He accepts everyone, regardless of who they are or what they've done - or even for what they continue to do. His love never changes, but our ability to accept it does. We (the church) need to show D how to accept the love that Jesus offers him just as he is. We need to be able to love him knowing all about his sordid 'other life' - in spite of it. We must love the whole person, not just the bits we find palatable and safe. If we can't do that then we're not fulfilling our calling. Jesus hung around the worst of the worst in his society. He gave them a choice. Our choices are always going to be tainted by that Sin that we are born into. I cannot follow Jesus perfectly because I cannot be perfect this side of Heaven. Why do I expect others to be perfect when I know I can't?!

Another point in this situation is that there are two distinct things for me to come to terms with, and to reconcile. The first is that the man who has been my best friend for 11 years is gay (most likely, based on his actions). The second is that my husband has lied and been unfaithful to me on many occasions - the 'fallout' of this is the same regardless of who he's been having sex with. I strive daily to remember that there are in fact two issues, and try to keep them separate as much as I can. It has helped me in 'moving on' to keep them separate and deal with them separately.

I think I'll write more on this when my brain has had a rest.

If you are interested at all in the websites I've found helpful (for your own understanding) then email me and I'll send you the URLs.