My psychologist asked me yesterday to do some homework - to write down what my beliefs are surrounding intimate relationships, and other relationships like friendships. She said to think about issues around trust.....and other things!
A pretty big topic eh? Depending on what I come up with I might post my thoughts.
A note to everyone about my Tupperware - if you want some, come to my garage sale when I have it and buy it! lol It seems sometimes like I'm the only one in the universe that has lots of it, but I KNOW there are some people who put me to shame..... if only I could remember who they are and live vicariously through them.
Ozimum I can't wait til you get home with your little bundle of joy. You all look so happy, it'll be great to see all 5 of you together!
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
I love to mess with Madame I's Asperger's brain sometimes.... this morning she wanted to do a bit of crafty stuff before school and she was dawdling a bit. So I told her if she wanted to do it she would have to get her skates on - and she looked around her feet on the floor for the skate! It was so funny! I then explained to her that it means you have to move faster and she goes "Oh, ok" At least she can laugh at herself.
On a different note, yes, CJL I am actually getting rid of Tupperware. I'm sure there is some law against this somewhere in the world - it just feels wrong! I am very proud of myself though for being able to let things go. I'm not quite at the stage of throwing away birthday cards immediately after reading them (not looking at anyone PKE)..... I think I still have some birthday cards in a box from when I turned 7!
Being in this new house reminds me a lot of when I was living on my own just before I got married. It was the first time in my life I'd lived on my own and I loved it. The bizarre thing is that at that time I took over the lease of a friend who was getting married and moving the the country - and now my next door neighbour (and landlord) are that friend's sisters-in-law! How weird is that? So all these connections, and living in a small 2 bedroom place remind me of that time when I lived on my own. It's a time of discovering who I really am, what I want from life, what kind of parent do I want to be (without having to consult with another parent for a consensus first). It's a very powerful (and sometimes intimidating) time and place for me. To have a chance to start all over and have the freedom to be me.
Today I went to lunch with BF to an amazing authentic Ethiopian restaurant - not that I know what authentic Ethiopian food tastes like, but I know there were lots of Ethiopians having lunch there so that's good enough for me. It was nice to be out doing 'adult' stuff and no-one having expectations of me. Sometimes I think I slip into the whole thing of people expecting that because I'm recently separated I will be a certain way, and I will do certain things and I will not be happy and stuff like that. It was nice to be in a place where no-one (except BF and she doesn't have expectations of me anyway) knew my story, and I didn't have to play a 'role' for anyone, and nobody expected me to behave in a certain way. I guess kind of like when someone's partner dies and they catch themselves laughing over some silly little thing, then they feel guilty about feeling happiness for a few seconds. It's just nice to be in a place where it's ok for me to be happy (and to be able to forget all the other stuff for a while). I think being surrounded by Ethiopian men may have had something to do with my mood......mmmmm........ The food was great :-)
Tomorrow is my first day here of being on my own (girls are with D) and I plan to get lots more unpacking done. I can't wait til I don't have any cardboard boxes left in the house. Then it will be time to start Uni....
This home is so comfy, it feels like we're in a holiday park. We have great neighbours who we've already met, and there are a few other children here for the girls to play with. It's just beautiful, and feels so peaceful.
To CJL - re. collections: if I get rid of a lot of my Tupperware and as you suggest we all need our collections, what else could I collect? It will have to be something fairly small as I don't have a lot of room for storage.....any ideas?
On a different note, yes, CJL I am actually getting rid of Tupperware. I'm sure there is some law against this somewhere in the world - it just feels wrong! I am very proud of myself though for being able to let things go. I'm not quite at the stage of throwing away birthday cards immediately after reading them (not looking at anyone PKE)..... I think I still have some birthday cards in a box from when I turned 7!
Being in this new house reminds me a lot of when I was living on my own just before I got married. It was the first time in my life I'd lived on my own and I loved it. The bizarre thing is that at that time I took over the lease of a friend who was getting married and moving the the country - and now my next door neighbour (and landlord) are that friend's sisters-in-law! How weird is that? So all these connections, and living in a small 2 bedroom place remind me of that time when I lived on my own. It's a time of discovering who I really am, what I want from life, what kind of parent do I want to be (without having to consult with another parent for a consensus first). It's a very powerful (and sometimes intimidating) time and place for me. To have a chance to start all over and have the freedom to be me.
Today I went to lunch with BF to an amazing authentic Ethiopian restaurant - not that I know what authentic Ethiopian food tastes like, but I know there were lots of Ethiopians having lunch there so that's good enough for me. It was nice to be out doing 'adult' stuff and no-one having expectations of me. Sometimes I think I slip into the whole thing of people expecting that because I'm recently separated I will be a certain way, and I will do certain things and I will not be happy and stuff like that. It was nice to be in a place where no-one (except BF and she doesn't have expectations of me anyway) knew my story, and I didn't have to play a 'role' for anyone, and nobody expected me to behave in a certain way. I guess kind of like when someone's partner dies and they catch themselves laughing over some silly little thing, then they feel guilty about feeling happiness for a few seconds. It's just nice to be in a place where it's ok for me to be happy (and to be able to forget all the other stuff for a while). I think being surrounded by Ethiopian men may have had something to do with my mood......mmmmm........ The food was great :-)
Tomorrow is my first day here of being on my own (girls are with D) and I plan to get lots more unpacking done. I can't wait til I don't have any cardboard boxes left in the house. Then it will be time to start Uni....
This home is so comfy, it feels like we're in a holiday park. We have great neighbours who we've already met, and there are a few other children here for the girls to play with. It's just beautiful, and feels so peaceful.
To CJL - re. collections: if I get rid of a lot of my Tupperware and as you suggest we all need our collections, what else could I collect? It will have to be something fairly small as I don't have a lot of room for storage.....any ideas?
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
I'm in the new house
Hi again. I got my internet connection yesterday (Monday) so now there's no stopping me....well, using the internet is stopping me from unpacking, but there you go. I'm now connected to Naked DSL with Adam Internet. It means I don't have to have a phone connection with Telstra at all. YIPEE!! I use the existing phone line and have an internet connection through it. Then I use a special modem where my normal telephone can plug into it and all my phone calls are via the internet line (even when my computer isn't turned on). Now I can make untimed national and local calls for 12cents each! If I ever get to know anyone overseas then apparently the calls are much cheaper to them too. Anyway, I'm happy to have it all back on again, and very happy to not have to deal with Telstra anymore.
The move went really really well. I had a heap of people from my church help me move furniture on Saturday- 7 other people in fact. On Friday night BF (this means best friend by the way, not boy friend!!) and two other friends from church came to help me unpack the kitchen stuff. My sister and niece and Mum and another friend had come in the afternoon as well so most of the kitchen was unpacked already. By the time we had tea and were ready to unpack, the power still wasn't on.....after a few phone calls, some wine and lots of laughing and story telling one of the girls flicked the safety switch (which I had tried to do earlier in the day and it wouldn't move for me....) and the power came on! at 11:30pm!!!! Of course it was too late to do any work by then but at least the power was working. We had a really great night of just talking, as women often do, and it was a nice way to 'christen' my new home.
I've also had lots of people make meals for us and even one fantastic lady who brought lunch to us on Saturday and provided a huge spread to some very tired workers. I was very thankful that the forecast temp. from earlier in the week of 37C got revised and it was only 32C I think on the day.
Tomorrow I have the last day at the old house doing the 'big clean'. Some other lovely ladies from church have offered to come and help me with the cleaning which I'm VERY thankful for. Then later in the afternoon I hand the keys back to the agent and it's all done.
I do have a new back yard which is still fairly cluttered with boxes that I still have to unpack and find homes for the contents. This is the great thing about moving house in summer, you can leave stuff outside overnight and it's fine! I think we've done almost all of our moves in the cooler months previously.
It was a very emotional time at the old house, packing up the last remnants from the bathroom cupboard and taking the box out to the car. The house looked so odd being empty. We've been in that house for nearly 3 years, so Princess S has spent half her life there! There have been lots of happy times there, and of course there have also been the worst times particularly in the last few months. Looking at the empty house I thought "like our possessions that used to fill this house, the marriage is now gone completely". It really took me by surprise. It's so final. I will have a (little) time of grieving - probably until tomorrow afternoon when I hand the keys back and walk away from it.
It really is nice to be in a new home and set things up the way I want, and to keep the things that I really want to keep. I have had to get rid of a lot more things since arriving here as the house is really quite small and there's just no way it's all going to fit - and I guess I actually don't want to keep everything anyway. It's been a really positive time of realising that I can do this, being a single Mum, moving house, getting rid of excess stuff (even some Tupperware!!!) and looking to the future to establish who we are now.
The girls seem to be coping pretty well. Madame I had a bit of a tough time last week with all the changes, and I think we were all in a bit of a heatwave hangover (like most of Adelaide). She has picked up a bit this week, though still needs lots of patience for now. Princess S is just happy and seems to find joy in pretty much everything. It's a lovely environment here (a group of 6 units) and we have a really lovely neighbour who we'd actually met at her workplace a little while ago! And it turns out I know her sister-in-law too.... small world!
I start online university in a couple of weeks so I need to get organised around here so that I can get my head around all that.
Have been able to have some good chats with D lately too which is good. Even though he was looking for a miracle in us reconciling, I think the miracle is that I now don't hate him (ie don't want to stick sharp scissors into his eyes, or cut off his you-know-what anymore). I think the fact that we can have reasonable, amicable, almost friendly chats is quite a miracle and I'm very thankful for that. I'm really thankful that I am able to forgive and don't have to be caught up in bitterness and hatred for the rest of my life. I know I will still have days every now and then where I'll be looking for the sharp scissors.....but that's normal and healthy and it's not 'where I live' it's just 'where I visit'.
So here's to a new start, and the closing of a whole series of chapters in my life. Cheers!
The move went really really well. I had a heap of people from my church help me move furniture on Saturday- 7 other people in fact. On Friday night BF (this means best friend by the way, not boy friend!!) and two other friends from church came to help me unpack the kitchen stuff. My sister and niece and Mum and another friend had come in the afternoon as well so most of the kitchen was unpacked already. By the time we had tea and were ready to unpack, the power still wasn't on.....after a few phone calls, some wine and lots of laughing and story telling one of the girls flicked the safety switch (which I had tried to do earlier in the day and it wouldn't move for me....) and the power came on! at 11:30pm!!!! Of course it was too late to do any work by then but at least the power was working. We had a really great night of just talking, as women often do, and it was a nice way to 'christen' my new home.
I've also had lots of people make meals for us and even one fantastic lady who brought lunch to us on Saturday and provided a huge spread to some very tired workers. I was very thankful that the forecast temp. from earlier in the week of 37C got revised and it was only 32C I think on the day.
Tomorrow I have the last day at the old house doing the 'big clean'. Some other lovely ladies from church have offered to come and help me with the cleaning which I'm VERY thankful for. Then later in the afternoon I hand the keys back to the agent and it's all done.
I do have a new back yard which is still fairly cluttered with boxes that I still have to unpack and find homes for the contents. This is the great thing about moving house in summer, you can leave stuff outside overnight and it's fine! I think we've done almost all of our moves in the cooler months previously.
It was a very emotional time at the old house, packing up the last remnants from the bathroom cupboard and taking the box out to the car. The house looked so odd being empty. We've been in that house for nearly 3 years, so Princess S has spent half her life there! There have been lots of happy times there, and of course there have also been the worst times particularly in the last few months. Looking at the empty house I thought "like our possessions that used to fill this house, the marriage is now gone completely". It really took me by surprise. It's so final. I will have a (little) time of grieving - probably until tomorrow afternoon when I hand the keys back and walk away from it.
It really is nice to be in a new home and set things up the way I want, and to keep the things that I really want to keep. I have had to get rid of a lot more things since arriving here as the house is really quite small and there's just no way it's all going to fit - and I guess I actually don't want to keep everything anyway. It's been a really positive time of realising that I can do this, being a single Mum, moving house, getting rid of excess stuff (even some Tupperware!!!) and looking to the future to establish who we are now.
The girls seem to be coping pretty well. Madame I had a bit of a tough time last week with all the changes, and I think we were all in a bit of a heatwave hangover (like most of Adelaide). She has picked up a bit this week, though still needs lots of patience for now. Princess S is just happy and seems to find joy in pretty much everything. It's a lovely environment here (a group of 6 units) and we have a really lovely neighbour who we'd actually met at her workplace a little while ago! And it turns out I know her sister-in-law too.... small world!
I start online university in a couple of weeks so I need to get organised around here so that I can get my head around all that.
Have been able to have some good chats with D lately too which is good. Even though he was looking for a miracle in us reconciling, I think the miracle is that I now don't hate him (ie don't want to stick sharp scissors into his eyes, or cut off his you-know-what anymore). I think the fact that we can have reasonable, amicable, almost friendly chats is quite a miracle and I'm very thankful for that. I'm really thankful that I am able to forgive and don't have to be caught up in bitterness and hatred for the rest of my life. I know I will still have days every now and then where I'll be looking for the sharp scissors.....but that's normal and healthy and it's not 'where I live' it's just 'where I visit'.
So here's to a new start, and the closing of a whole series of chapters in my life. Cheers!
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Packing boxes
Grief is a funny thing. Especially when you're not sure if what you're experiencing is because of grief or not....
Last week Princess S (who is 6) said "Mummy I wish you still had Daddy so you could have a baby. I'd really like for us to have a baby." Where am I supposed to go with that??! We were actually in the process of overseas adoption when we separated. We'd been trying to have another baby for 18months with no success. Now I have wonderful friends who are leaving this week to collect their beautiful child from overseas. They are so excited and have been waiting for this child for four years. I'm really really happy for them, but it's still tinged with grief for me because that's a plane trip I'm now not ever going to make. A reminder of something else that's been lost in all this.
I've been packing the house this week. During a heatwave too! I surely am a legend! My BF laughed at me (good-naturedly) that I am a hoarder and have a lot of crap that I just need to get rid of! The nerve of her! lol I do have a lot of crap and it's true I don't like to throw things away. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those hoarders who ends up on Oprah with a disgusting house! I just have cupboards containing wedding gifts from 10 years ago that I've never used (not even once) and yet I don't want to get rid of them cos I might need them one day! I know it sounds ridiculous, and maybe I am actually screwed up in the head..... But during the week I was able to steel myself to the task at hand. I am going to have a garage sale after I've moved, and I'm packing things separately for that so I don't have to unpack them immediately when I move. I have nominated an astonishing amount of possessions for this purpose. BF was suitably impressed yesterday when she realised how much progress I'd made in 5 days!
It is very sad to be packing up our home, even though I've been quite desperate to move out. Until now I think my position in this separation has been reasonably passive (apart from asking D to move out) but now it's a very active thing to be packing up and moving. So I have been shedding a few (!) tears as I pack the boxes. I'm really looking forward to being able to unpack in our new home and leave some things behind (well, leave them in boxes for Garage Sale day anyway).
Recently our church moved to a temporary home while our old building is demolished and rebuilt. Our pastor gave a sermon about this process of packing and moving on. He really is quite brilliant (not to give him too big a head or anything....) I remember him saying we need to assess what is worth taking and what isn't worth taking. What do we want to take with us from our past? Are there things from the past we want to take and keep building on? Are there things we need to let go of? Do we sell those things or throw them out/burn them? (do we want to pass them on to someone else or make sure no-one else has to deal with them). This is a process regarding our possessions, but also our memories, our attitudes, our goals, our dreams. I am thinking about these things in regards to my possessions and also for the last 10 years of my life. It's just occurred to me that tomorrow would have been the 11th anniversary of our first date. So there's a bit of grieving, a bit of happy remembering, a bit of 'what-if's' (not so much of that as it's pretty pointless) as I pack my boxes and take pictures off the walls (actually BF did that, but I see them piled up against the wall). It's an interesting time, and a healing time in some ways. A time for moving on and creating a new picture of our family.
I've also borrowed my step-father's ute for the next week and a bit while I move. I might get a bit of a kick out of driving that around! Might even pick up a young toy boy with a vehicle like that!! It's only a 2-seater so I can only drive it when I don't have the girls with me. Don't panic, I was just joking about the toy boy! Although I can dream.......
I was moved to tears watching the news tonight of the bushfires in Victoria. It's just so devastating and hard to comprehend. I heard today of a friend's parents who happened to be in one of the towns when the fire passed through. They have an amazing miraculous story of how they survived. I'm sure there are many other stories too. I'm glad for my friend's sake that God spared the lives of her parents.
Last week Princess S (who is 6) said "Mummy I wish you still had Daddy so you could have a baby. I'd really like for us to have a baby." Where am I supposed to go with that??! We were actually in the process of overseas adoption when we separated. We'd been trying to have another baby for 18months with no success. Now I have wonderful friends who are leaving this week to collect their beautiful child from overseas. They are so excited and have been waiting for this child for four years. I'm really really happy for them, but it's still tinged with grief for me because that's a plane trip I'm now not ever going to make. A reminder of something else that's been lost in all this.
I've been packing the house this week. During a heatwave too! I surely am a legend! My BF laughed at me (good-naturedly) that I am a hoarder and have a lot of crap that I just need to get rid of! The nerve of her! lol I do have a lot of crap and it's true I don't like to throw things away. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those hoarders who ends up on Oprah with a disgusting house! I just have cupboards containing wedding gifts from 10 years ago that I've never used (not even once) and yet I don't want to get rid of them cos I might need them one day! I know it sounds ridiculous, and maybe I am actually screwed up in the head..... But during the week I was able to steel myself to the task at hand. I am going to have a garage sale after I've moved, and I'm packing things separately for that so I don't have to unpack them immediately when I move. I have nominated an astonishing amount of possessions for this purpose. BF was suitably impressed yesterday when she realised how much progress I'd made in 5 days!
It is very sad to be packing up our home, even though I've been quite desperate to move out. Until now I think my position in this separation has been reasonably passive (apart from asking D to move out) but now it's a very active thing to be packing up and moving. So I have been shedding a few (!) tears as I pack the boxes. I'm really looking forward to being able to unpack in our new home and leave some things behind (well, leave them in boxes for Garage Sale day anyway).
Recently our church moved to a temporary home while our old building is demolished and rebuilt. Our pastor gave a sermon about this process of packing and moving on. He really is quite brilliant (not to give him too big a head or anything....) I remember him saying we need to assess what is worth taking and what isn't worth taking. What do we want to take with us from our past? Are there things from the past we want to take and keep building on? Are there things we need to let go of? Do we sell those things or throw them out/burn them? (do we want to pass them on to someone else or make sure no-one else has to deal with them). This is a process regarding our possessions, but also our memories, our attitudes, our goals, our dreams. I am thinking about these things in regards to my possessions and also for the last 10 years of my life. It's just occurred to me that tomorrow would have been the 11th anniversary of our first date. So there's a bit of grieving, a bit of happy remembering, a bit of 'what-if's' (not so much of that as it's pretty pointless) as I pack my boxes and take pictures off the walls (actually BF did that, but I see them piled up against the wall). It's an interesting time, and a healing time in some ways. A time for moving on and creating a new picture of our family.
I've also borrowed my step-father's ute for the next week and a bit while I move. I might get a bit of a kick out of driving that around! Might even pick up a young toy boy with a vehicle like that!! It's only a 2-seater so I can only drive it when I don't have the girls with me. Don't panic, I was just joking about the toy boy! Although I can dream.......
I was moved to tears watching the news tonight of the bushfires in Victoria. It's just so devastating and hard to comprehend. I heard today of a friend's parents who happened to be in one of the towns when the fire passed through. They have an amazing miraculous story of how they survived. I'm sure there are many other stories too. I'm glad for my friend's sake that God spared the lives of her parents.
Monday, February 2, 2009
A new house, a new start
Great news, I found out last Friday I have a new home to move to. It's a 2 bedroom homette not far from the girl's school which is great. The rent is the max. that I was prepared to pay, so I'm sure that will be ok. It's so exciting to just think about having our own place to settle in and make our own.
I am moving on Valentine's Day! so that will be nice - it's not like I'll have anything else to do on that day!
I'm a big procrastinator when it comes to packing the house. We have done this lots of times before, and I would always leave it til the last minute, and D would get frustrated and do the packing himself. But now D isn't here to do it, so I just have to summon up some internal will to actually do it...... not easy, but I think I am growing a bit in this area, ie. learning that no-one else is here to do it for me so I just have to.
Being a parent is a great thing because I'll often do things for the sake of the girls, when I wouldn't actually do them just for my own sake. It is a great motivator to have children relying on you.
I am soooooo over this heat wave. After about 3 days I get into the groove and it's just same-old-same-old (it was like that during last year's heat wave too) and doesn't bother me too much. I become resigned to it, can't do anything to change it so just get on with life the best I can. I think too that it takes a few days to realise that you can't actually go full-pelt at life during a heat wave. The first few days you think you can and then you just get exhausted and fall in a heap. Once you reset your expectations it seems to be easier - slow down, take it a bit easier and it's better. But now it's into the second week I'VE HAD ENOUGH ALREADY!!!!! The saving grace is that for the last 2 nights we've been able to sleep back in our bedrooms with just a fan on us (had been sleeping in the loungeroom with a/c on all night and all day, not moving much from that room). There has been a really strong 'breeze' the last couple of nights which has helped a bit. Still been roughly 30deg over night, but with air moving around a bit it just seems easier. I'm still waiting for night time temps to get below 25deg, then it will be nice. I guess it builds our perseverance and resilience!
I am actually distracting myself at the moment by doing this blog when I should be packing, so I'm going to get up and just do it.
Cheerio.
I am moving on Valentine's Day! so that will be nice - it's not like I'll have anything else to do on that day!
I'm a big procrastinator when it comes to packing the house. We have done this lots of times before, and I would always leave it til the last minute, and D would get frustrated and do the packing himself. But now D isn't here to do it, so I just have to summon up some internal will to actually do it...... not easy, but I think I am growing a bit in this area, ie. learning that no-one else is here to do it for me so I just have to.
Being a parent is a great thing because I'll often do things for the sake of the girls, when I wouldn't actually do them just for my own sake. It is a great motivator to have children relying on you.
I am soooooo over this heat wave. After about 3 days I get into the groove and it's just same-old-same-old (it was like that during last year's heat wave too) and doesn't bother me too much. I become resigned to it, can't do anything to change it so just get on with life the best I can. I think too that it takes a few days to realise that you can't actually go full-pelt at life during a heat wave. The first few days you think you can and then you just get exhausted and fall in a heap. Once you reset your expectations it seems to be easier - slow down, take it a bit easier and it's better. But now it's into the second week I'VE HAD ENOUGH ALREADY!!!!! The saving grace is that for the last 2 nights we've been able to sleep back in our bedrooms with just a fan on us (had been sleeping in the loungeroom with a/c on all night and all day, not moving much from that room). There has been a really strong 'breeze' the last couple of nights which has helped a bit. Still been roughly 30deg over night, but with air moving around a bit it just seems easier. I'm still waiting for night time temps to get below 25deg, then it will be nice. I guess it builds our perseverance and resilience!
I am actually distracting myself at the moment by doing this blog when I should be packing, so I'm going to get up and just do it.
Cheerio.
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