Packing boxes

Grief is a funny thing. Especially when you're not sure if what you're experiencing is because of grief or not....
Last week Princess S (who is 6) said "Mummy I wish you still had Daddy so you could have a baby. I'd really like for us to have a baby." Where am I supposed to go with that??! We were actually in the process of overseas adoption when we separated. We'd been trying to have another baby for 18months with no success. Now I have wonderful friends who are leaving this week to collect their beautiful child from overseas. They are so excited and have been waiting for this child for four years. I'm really really happy for them, but it's still tinged with grief for me because that's a plane trip I'm now not ever going to make. A reminder of something else that's been lost in all this.
I've been packing the house this week. During a heatwave too! I surely am a legend! My BF laughed at me (good-naturedly) that I am a hoarder and have a lot of crap that I just need to get rid of! The nerve of her! lol I do have a lot of crap and it's true I don't like to throw things away. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those hoarders who ends up on Oprah with a disgusting house! I just have cupboards containing wedding gifts from 10 years ago that I've never used (not even once) and yet I don't want to get rid of them cos I might need them one day! I know it sounds ridiculous, and maybe I am actually screwed up in the head..... But during the week I was able to steel myself to the task at hand. I am going to have a garage sale after I've moved, and I'm packing things separately for that so I don't have to unpack them immediately when I move. I have nominated an astonishing amount of possessions for this purpose. BF was suitably impressed yesterday when she realised how much progress I'd made in 5 days!
It is very sad to be packing up our home, even though I've been quite desperate to move out. Until now I think my position in this separation has been reasonably passive (apart from asking D to move out) but now it's a very active thing to be packing up and moving. So I have been shedding a few (!) tears as I pack the boxes. I'm really looking forward to being able to unpack in our new home and leave some things behind (well, leave them in boxes for Garage Sale day anyway).
Recently our church moved to a temporary home while our old building is demolished and rebuilt. Our pastor gave a sermon about this process of packing and moving on. He really is quite brilliant (not to give him too big a head or anything....) I remember him saying we need to assess what is worth taking and what isn't worth taking. What do we want to take with us from our past? Are there things from the past we want to take and keep building on? Are there things we need to let go of? Do we sell those things or throw them out/burn them? (do we want to pass them on to someone else or make sure no-one else has to deal with them). This is a process regarding our possessions, but also our memories, our attitudes, our goals, our dreams. I am thinking about these things in regards to my possessions and also for the last 10 years of my life. It's just occurred to me that tomorrow would have been the 11th anniversary of our first date. So there's a bit of grieving, a bit of happy remembering, a bit of 'what-if's' (not so much of that as it's pretty pointless) as I pack my boxes and take pictures off the walls (actually BF did that, but I see them piled up against the wall). It's an interesting time, and a healing time in some ways. A time for moving on and creating a new picture of our family.
I've also borrowed my step-father's ute for the next week and a bit while I move. I might get a bit of a kick out of driving that around! Might even pick up a young toy boy with a vehicle like that!! It's only a 2-seater so I can only drive it when I don't have the girls with me. Don't panic, I was just joking about the toy boy! Although I can dream.......
I was moved to tears watching the news tonight of the bushfires in Victoria. It's just so devastating and hard to comprehend. I heard today of a friend's parents who happened to be in one of the towns when the fire passed through. They have an amazing miraculous story of how they survived. I'm sure there are many other stories too. I'm glad for my friend's sake that God spared the lives of her parents.