It's been a big week. As of this coming week I am studying a full time load. Because I'm such a procrastinator I felt the need to stop all the volunteering I've been doing so I don't have the distractions to my studies.
So on Monday I had my last Mainly Music class with Mrs Wiggle. It was really quite sad. We started our group two and a half years ago with Princess S and two other little girls. Now there are about 30 families coming each Monday, with about 80 children coming on-and-off. I feel like we've achieved so much and now I'm leaving. But at least the group is running really well and there are lots of families coming, so Mrs Wiggle has a great group to run with. The real problem was that (apart from the lady who comes to make coffee for us) we didn't have any other helpers, so me dropping out was quite likely going to be the end of the group, as Mrs W couldn't do it all on her own. But thankfully a couple of helpers have stepped out of the mist so tomorrow they'll be all set!
I've also stopped volunteering at our church emergency relief service. We provide food and some financial help to families on Centrelink benefits who are doing it tough (isn't half the city at the moment?!). It's only run one day a week so I was helping a little bit there too, and now I'm not. I've also pulled out of Sunday School teaching.
It's a big time of letting go, and being committed to study. I've never been great at study so I have a lot of mental barriers to get through. On Tuesday I have my first exam for the subject I've been doing since the start of February. I'm actually not toooooo stressed about it because I've had time to study and revise, mostly when the girls are at school or their Dad's.
Yesterday Madame I turned 9. My sister C came and did a craft party for her which was fantastic. The girls (she had three friends come) really enjoyed it and they each made a little photo album-I took photos of them all at the start of the party so they could use them in the album. Madame I really enjoyed it.
Also caught up with friends from Queensland that we stayed with in January. They're in Adelaide for the weekend to visit family and friends. It was great to see them again.
That's it for now - now I need to do some more study.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
Teachers and Asperger's Syndrome
If you have a child with special needs (and particularly one with 'hidden' special needs) I'm sure you'll be able to relate very well to my experience.
Madame was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome two full years ago. Her symptoms are much more significant at home than they have ever been at school.
The teacher she had when she was first diagnosed very confidently told me that Madame I doesn't have AS. I already had a personality conflict with this teacher - and the fact that she'd made some pretty derogatory remarks about me to my husband didn't help! I was trying to be the 'bigger' person and move on from that. Realising that she wasn't a psychologist and hadn't done any particular training in this area I chose to ignore her ignorance. However, if she wasn't going to accept the diagnosis, how could I convince her that Madame I needed extra help with some fairly small things, that would have a really big pay-off for me at home?
Well, D and I tried for a long time, then eventually we kind of just gave up. Madame I was very compliant in the classroom, very intelligent and coping well with her studies so what was the problem?!
Madame I also had issues with classroom structure and mostly with play time (lack of) structure but no-one seemed to think it was particularly their responsibility to do anything about that. And she was so compliant in class time that really, what was my problem?
Needless to say we moved schools and have found a school that is much more understanding and helpful for her (and therefore, for me).
Her teacher last year was great and seemed to really listen when I spoke. Then this year she got a new teacher (as they do) so I had to go through it all again....yes, I know she's very compliant in class but she really struggles with unstructured time, in particular play time. Did she take me seriously? I wish. After nearly a whole term I learned from Madame I that every Tuesday they change desks and sit with new people. This particular teacher does this as 'her thing' so that all the children get to know all the others....and it goes on for the entire year! For a child with AS, this is a huge problem because they don't cope well with change. So I went to talk to her again, and she (begrudgingly) agreed to allow at least one person from Madame I's table to move with her each week so there is at least a small amount of consistency.
Well, this morning I was in the classrom to watch Madame I present a science experiment - she did a great job. The teacher came over to have a 'chat' with me. She explained that Madame I has been allowed to sit next to her best friend Z Girl all the time. One day this week Z Girl wasn't at school and apparently Madame I just didn't cope at all well for the whole day! Said teacher is just shocked and dumbfounded that the absence of her best friend had such a huge impact on her.
Well, I sat there with a very self-satisfied smile on my face. At last the teacher understands what I'm talking about. And I'm sure her 'not coping' at school that day was miniscule compared to how she is at home.
The very sad (and frustrating) thing for me is that this whole scenario will be repeated every single year of Madame I's schooling because for some reason teachers don't want to accept that she has issues. There are all sorts of reasons for this and most of them I do understand, but it doesn't make it right. I am faced with having to push and push and push and advocate for my child because (most) teachers don't understand that parents really do know their kids best. If they could just treat me with some dignity and respect then everyone's life would be a whole lot easier!
Maybe I should print this out and just give it to her teacher next year....and the year after....and the year after....
Madame was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome two full years ago. Her symptoms are much more significant at home than they have ever been at school.
The teacher she had when she was first diagnosed very confidently told me that Madame I doesn't have AS. I already had a personality conflict with this teacher - and the fact that she'd made some pretty derogatory remarks about me to my husband didn't help! I was trying to be the 'bigger' person and move on from that. Realising that she wasn't a psychologist and hadn't done any particular training in this area I chose to ignore her ignorance. However, if she wasn't going to accept the diagnosis, how could I convince her that Madame I needed extra help with some fairly small things, that would have a really big pay-off for me at home?
Well, D and I tried for a long time, then eventually we kind of just gave up. Madame I was very compliant in the classroom, very intelligent and coping well with her studies so what was the problem?!
Madame I also had issues with classroom structure and mostly with play time (lack of) structure but no-one seemed to think it was particularly their responsibility to do anything about that. And she was so compliant in class time that really, what was my problem?
Needless to say we moved schools and have found a school that is much more understanding and helpful for her (and therefore, for me).
Her teacher last year was great and seemed to really listen when I spoke. Then this year she got a new teacher (as they do) so I had to go through it all again....yes, I know she's very compliant in class but she really struggles with unstructured time, in particular play time. Did she take me seriously? I wish. After nearly a whole term I learned from Madame I that every Tuesday they change desks and sit with new people. This particular teacher does this as 'her thing' so that all the children get to know all the others....and it goes on for the entire year! For a child with AS, this is a huge problem because they don't cope well with change. So I went to talk to her again, and she (begrudgingly) agreed to allow at least one person from Madame I's table to move with her each week so there is at least a small amount of consistency.
Well, this morning I was in the classrom to watch Madame I present a science experiment - she did a great job. The teacher came over to have a 'chat' with me. She explained that Madame I has been allowed to sit next to her best friend Z Girl all the time. One day this week Z Girl wasn't at school and apparently Madame I just didn't cope at all well for the whole day! Said teacher is just shocked and dumbfounded that the absence of her best friend had such a huge impact on her.
Well, I sat there with a very self-satisfied smile on my face. At last the teacher understands what I'm talking about. And I'm sure her 'not coping' at school that day was miniscule compared to how she is at home.
The very sad (and frustrating) thing for me is that this whole scenario will be repeated every single year of Madame I's schooling because for some reason teachers don't want to accept that she has issues. There are all sorts of reasons for this and most of them I do understand, but it doesn't make it right. I am faced with having to push and push and push and advocate for my child because (most) teachers don't understand that parents really do know their kids best. If they could just treat me with some dignity and respect then everyone's life would be a whole lot easier!
Maybe I should print this out and just give it to her teacher next year....and the year after....and the year after....
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Parental Responsibility
After D and I separated one of the bizarre consequences was that it somehow fell to me to determine whether he was of sound mind. Was he safe for the children to be with? Was he at risk of harming himself? ....and the girls of course?
How on earth could I make that call with any objectivity?
I did believe that he was at risk of harming himself for a while and even had moments/days when I wasn't completely sure how safe the girls were with him. Would he crash the car in an attempt to take all their lives? I honestly didn't know the answer to that question.
But somehow it was my responsibility to know the answer. I was the one who, if I had concerns, was apparently supposed to alert the authorities. But who would I tell? And what would the consequences be? If I was overreacting (which was a very high likelihood given my emotional state) then D would have to live with those accusations for the rest of his life. But then if I had suspicions and did nothing and he did hurt the girls then that would be my responsibility. It was really a no-win situation.
People were looking to me to make that judgement call (people here means the professionals and lay people who were working with me and us). That's a very big responsibility for a very damaged and emotional woman to carry.
I was watching episodes of Greys Anatomy last night and there was a story line where a mother hadn't protected her daughter from an abusive father. As a consequence the daughter stood up for herself and (at the age of 6) shot her father many times. It just reminded me of the burden we have as parents to ensure (as much as possible) the safety of our children. What is 'not enough' and what is 'too much'? Who knows, but I know it was an issue that disturbed me a lot. Even now I'm not 100% certain of their safety, especially given the denial that D seems to live in. What will happen when he really understands the consequences of his actions? Will it 'tip him over the edge'? I don't know. If it does is it my repsonsibility?
There aren't any clear-cut answers to this I don't think, it's just something you have to live with when you're a parent.
How on earth could I make that call with any objectivity?
I did believe that he was at risk of harming himself for a while and even had moments/days when I wasn't completely sure how safe the girls were with him. Would he crash the car in an attempt to take all their lives? I honestly didn't know the answer to that question.
But somehow it was my responsibility to know the answer. I was the one who, if I had concerns, was apparently supposed to alert the authorities. But who would I tell? And what would the consequences be? If I was overreacting (which was a very high likelihood given my emotional state) then D would have to live with those accusations for the rest of his life. But then if I had suspicions and did nothing and he did hurt the girls then that would be my responsibility. It was really a no-win situation.
People were looking to me to make that judgement call (people here means the professionals and lay people who were working with me and us). That's a very big responsibility for a very damaged and emotional woman to carry.
I was watching episodes of Greys Anatomy last night and there was a story line where a mother hadn't protected her daughter from an abusive father. As a consequence the daughter stood up for herself and (at the age of 6) shot her father many times. It just reminded me of the burden we have as parents to ensure (as much as possible) the safety of our children. What is 'not enough' and what is 'too much'? Who knows, but I know it was an issue that disturbed me a lot. Even now I'm not 100% certain of their safety, especially given the denial that D seems to live in. What will happen when he really understands the consequences of his actions? Will it 'tip him over the edge'? I don't know. If it does is it my repsonsibility?
There aren't any clear-cut answers to this I don't think, it's just something you have to live with when you're a parent.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Sharp Knives
I was given a set of Wiltshire knives about 11 years ago. They were laser cut and would never need to be sharpened. At least that's what the box said....
To start with they were very sharp and I was really impressed. Laser cut knives were the way of the future. I'll never need another set of knives for the rest of my life.
Some years later my BF (best friend) was cutting up some chicken (at least I think that's what it was...who knows) and she complained rather loudly that my knives were crap and I need to buy some decent ones. What?! No way, my knives are great. They're laser cut you know and they never get blunt. She disagreed and claimed that her knives were much sharper and easier to cut with. I wasn't completely convinced.
I also knew that a new set of knives would be pretty costly and I didn't really want to spend the money on a new set.
With all the stimulii going around lately I decided it would be a good investment to buy a new knife set. That was about 2 months ago and I'm still surprised almost on a daily basis at how brilliant my new knives are. It's worth mentioning that I bought a straight-edged set that has a sharpener in the block. I can cut through bread rolls with a straight edged knife. I can dice chicken fillets quicker than Jeff Jansz. I'm amazed at how totally useless and time-consuming my old knife set was. And I was too ignorant to see it, and when I was told about it I didn't want to hear.
I was going to write an analogy with the knives and my marriage - but then I decided it sounded a lot better when it was still in my head, so that's where it will stay.
Thank you (publicly) BF for telling me that my knives were crap.
It's important for us to tell each other when our knives are crap. It's the loving thing to do.
To start with they were very sharp and I was really impressed. Laser cut knives were the way of the future. I'll never need another set of knives for the rest of my life.
Some years later my BF (best friend) was cutting up some chicken (at least I think that's what it was...who knows) and she complained rather loudly that my knives were crap and I need to buy some decent ones. What?! No way, my knives are great. They're laser cut you know and they never get blunt. She disagreed and claimed that her knives were much sharper and easier to cut with. I wasn't completely convinced.
I also knew that a new set of knives would be pretty costly and I didn't really want to spend the money on a new set.
With all the stimulii going around lately I decided it would be a good investment to buy a new knife set. That was about 2 months ago and I'm still surprised almost on a daily basis at how brilliant my new knives are. It's worth mentioning that I bought a straight-edged set that has a sharpener in the block. I can cut through bread rolls with a straight edged knife. I can dice chicken fillets quicker than Jeff Jansz. I'm amazed at how totally useless and time-consuming my old knife set was. And I was too ignorant to see it, and when I was told about it I didn't want to hear.
I was going to write an analogy with the knives and my marriage - but then I decided it sounded a lot better when it was still in my head, so that's where it will stay.
Thank you (publicly) BF for telling me that my knives were crap.
It's important for us to tell each other when our knives are crap. It's the loving thing to do.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Netball
Madame I had her very first ever game of netball this morning.
They are doing practice on Thursdays after school which is a bit of a problem because she goes to street funk (hip hop) lessons at that time. We've found a compromise in that she does half an hour of netball practice then we race over to dance which is not far away. So she's had only two half-hour sessions of netball practice and she's a star!
I know I'm reasonably biased, but seriously, you should have seen her. She played three quarters of the game and played in GD, WD and GK. She has Asperger's Syndrome and who would have thought that would come in handy for netball?! She has very little awareness of personal space which is just great when you're a defender in netball. So yay for Illaria, she has found something that she is brilliant at! I told her (when she was GK) that she had to stick to her player like glue and try and get in front of her when the ball was coming. And she did. She was very focused on staying right with her player (even when the ball was in our goal circle! - at the other end of the court).
The girls are with D this weekend (although coming home for Mother's Day tomorrow) so he brought them to netball and I met them there. It was very awkward to start with but it wasn't too bad. I think we'll be able to find a way of both supporting her at netball without it being too difficult.
The talk we had on Wednedsay night seems to have cleared the air a bit, at least for me. I think I really have let go of a lot of attachments I had with him. I felt a lot more comfortable around him today than I have for the last 6 months, so that's a really good thing. I've spent a couple of days feeling very very sad about it all, but today was good, so maybe it's time to move forward.
I hope all you mums out there have a great Mother's Day tomorrow.
They are doing practice on Thursdays after school which is a bit of a problem because she goes to street funk (hip hop) lessons at that time. We've found a compromise in that she does half an hour of netball practice then we race over to dance which is not far away. So she's had only two half-hour sessions of netball practice and she's a star!
I know I'm reasonably biased, but seriously, you should have seen her. She played three quarters of the game and played in GD, WD and GK. She has Asperger's Syndrome and who would have thought that would come in handy for netball?! She has very little awareness of personal space which is just great when you're a defender in netball. So yay for Illaria, she has found something that she is brilliant at! I told her (when she was GK) that she had to stick to her player like glue and try and get in front of her when the ball was coming. And she did. She was very focused on staying right with her player (even when the ball was in our goal circle! - at the other end of the court).
The girls are with D this weekend (although coming home for Mother's Day tomorrow) so he brought them to netball and I met them there. It was very awkward to start with but it wasn't too bad. I think we'll be able to find a way of both supporting her at netball without it being too difficult.
The talk we had on Wednedsay night seems to have cleared the air a bit, at least for me. I think I really have let go of a lot of attachments I had with him. I felt a lot more comfortable around him today than I have for the last 6 months, so that's a really good thing. I've spent a couple of days feeling very very sad about it all, but today was good, so maybe it's time to move forward.
I hope all you mums out there have a great Mother's Day tomorrow.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
The ring is off.....
I wish God was like Father Christmas. If you're nice and you do your chores, be kind to other people, then you get what you want.
Unfortunately God is not Father Christmas. I can't have what I want.
Last night D took off his wedding ring and admitted (accepted?) that our marriage is over. I know this was really hard for him to do and strangely it was really hard for me too. I wanted him to do it, at least to acknowledge that he has caused this, to take ownership of it. But it was actually quite devastating to see it.
I have wanted our marriage to be over for 6 months. Mostly, that was because I was hurt and angry. Now that D isn't wearing the ring anymore I know it is over, and I feel resigned to that. It was a marriage that was so broken it could not ever be fixed.
He still holds out some hope that one day it will be fixed - but he isn't taking any ownership of his bisexuality and in all that we talked about he didn't mention it once. He talked about being unfaithful but he didn't talk about the fact that he's attracted to men as well as women.
Today I feel incredibly sad. I'm sad that my marriage is finally over. I'm also sad that D just can't accept who he is. I'm sad that he can't live authentically and I'm sad for what that will mean for our daughters in years to come. I'm also sad about letting go of my hope to be truly loved and truly happy. I think there was a time when I was truly happy, in the very early days of our marriage. I'm not sure that I will ever find that kind of happiness again, because now I am cynical and untrusting.
Unfortunately God is not Father Christmas. I can't have what I want.
Last night D took off his wedding ring and admitted (accepted?) that our marriage is over. I know this was really hard for him to do and strangely it was really hard for me too. I wanted him to do it, at least to acknowledge that he has caused this, to take ownership of it. But it was actually quite devastating to see it.
I have wanted our marriage to be over for 6 months. Mostly, that was because I was hurt and angry. Now that D isn't wearing the ring anymore I know it is over, and I feel resigned to that. It was a marriage that was so broken it could not ever be fixed.
He still holds out some hope that one day it will be fixed - but he isn't taking any ownership of his bisexuality and in all that we talked about he didn't mention it once. He talked about being unfaithful but he didn't talk about the fact that he's attracted to men as well as women.
Today I feel incredibly sad. I'm sad that my marriage is finally over. I'm also sad that D just can't accept who he is. I'm sad that he can't live authentically and I'm sad for what that will mean for our daughters in years to come. I'm also sad about letting go of my hope to be truly loved and truly happy. I think there was a time when I was truly happy, in the very early days of our marriage. I'm not sure that I will ever find that kind of happiness again, because now I am cynical and untrusting.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
re my tattoo. I've been showing my siblings my tattoo as I see them. Usually I don't see some of them for almost 6 months or even a year. Over the last 2 weeks I've actually seen all of my siblings except for one! (my sister T who lives in the Riverland is the only one I haven't seen)
My tattoo is of my Dad's signature (taken from Mum and Dad's marriage certificate) and his name was Colin Mark Northcott.....there goes all my anonymity! When I showed one of my brothers he looked puzzled for a nanosecond and said with a smirk on his face "why did you get my name tattoo'd on yourself?!" then I realised he has the same initials as Dad...CM different first name but same middle name. Then yesterday I showed my other brother and one of his daughters was there and she also has the same initials and surname! So now I thought I had my Dad's signature, I also have my brother's and my niece's. Three for the price of 1!
I met with D's psychologist last week which was an interesting time (to say the least). D had said some things that I'd thought were not right and he seemed to think his psych was agreeing with what he was saying. So I thought it best to go straight to the horse's mouth (so to speak). Unfortunately the psych does agree with some of what D is saying. It seems he (the psych) believes that the 'therapy' D needs is to be told/reinforced who God has created him to be, ie a heterosexual man. If told this truth enough, he will become what he believes himself to be (or something along those lines). I expressed that although I agree we need to speak positively about the ideal of who God has created us to be, I think it's also very important that D is able to accept who he is now, and to take ownership of who he is now. This is something that he has been completely incapable of doing and is one of the biggest things that has bothered me about his 'therapy'. D will not accept that he is anything but a heterosexual man with some issues. [on a slightly funnier note a found an analogy the other day - D doesn't think he even has a closet, he sees it more as a drive-thru window! isn't that funny?!] When I told his psych that D won't admit he's anything other than hetero, his psych said "there is no question about it, D is bisexual". That was like a bolt of lightning for me. To hear someone tell me categorically that my husband is bisexual was both shocking and freeing at the same time. I know a lot of people in this world have issues with the use of labels, but I must admit I'm a bit of a 'label girl'. They do seem to help me deal with things. Maybe it's because I'm a fairly black-and-white person....and that's not always a good thing, but it's how I see a lot of things. I now accept that this is who he is, and I also accept that it may take him quite a long time to accept this for himself if he ever does. I don't really need for him to accept it anymore because I know it is the truth.
I now have a strange acceptance of my situation. I am sorrowful, and hopeful for myself at the same time. I hope that I will be loved one day, in the way that I want to be. The way I thought I was when I got married just over 10 years ago. Maybe.
D had a session with our pastor again yesterday and then rang me to ask if we could get together for a talk. He was crying a lot and said he wants to 'lay it all out on the table and explain a lot of things'. So tonight I'm going to his place to hear what he has to say.
After I left his psych's office last week I realised that I'd been holding out (small) hope that if he kept seeing this guy, then one day he could be the man that I need to be married to. After speaking to his psych I realised that he never will be, especially whilst seeing this man for 'therapy'. My pastor asked me what would show me that he was on the road to becoming that man. My response was "I know this sounds odd, but if he took off his wedding ring I would know that he was serious". Then I would know he's realised what he's done and that he doesn't deserve a life with me because of this betrayal. But he's not ever going to be the man that I need and now I feel like I can accept that a bit better, and move on just a little bit down that road to recovery.
Enough for now.
My tattoo is of my Dad's signature (taken from Mum and Dad's marriage certificate) and his name was Colin Mark Northcott.....there goes all my anonymity! When I showed one of my brothers he looked puzzled for a nanosecond and said with a smirk on his face "why did you get my name tattoo'd on yourself?!" then I realised he has the same initials as Dad...CM different first name but same middle name. Then yesterday I showed my other brother and one of his daughters was there and she also has the same initials and surname! So now I thought I had my Dad's signature, I also have my brother's and my niece's. Three for the price of 1!
I met with D's psychologist last week which was an interesting time (to say the least). D had said some things that I'd thought were not right and he seemed to think his psych was agreeing with what he was saying. So I thought it best to go straight to the horse's mouth (so to speak). Unfortunately the psych does agree with some of what D is saying. It seems he (the psych) believes that the 'therapy' D needs is to be told/reinforced who God has created him to be, ie a heterosexual man. If told this truth enough, he will become what he believes himself to be (or something along those lines). I expressed that although I agree we need to speak positively about the ideal of who God has created us to be, I think it's also very important that D is able to accept who he is now, and to take ownership of who he is now. This is something that he has been completely incapable of doing and is one of the biggest things that has bothered me about his 'therapy'. D will not accept that he is anything but a heterosexual man with some issues. [on a slightly funnier note a found an analogy the other day - D doesn't think he even has a closet, he sees it more as a drive-thru window! isn't that funny?!] When I told his psych that D won't admit he's anything other than hetero, his psych said "there is no question about it, D is bisexual". That was like a bolt of lightning for me. To hear someone tell me categorically that my husband is bisexual was both shocking and freeing at the same time. I know a lot of people in this world have issues with the use of labels, but I must admit I'm a bit of a 'label girl'. They do seem to help me deal with things. Maybe it's because I'm a fairly black-and-white person....and that's not always a good thing, but it's how I see a lot of things. I now accept that this is who he is, and I also accept that it may take him quite a long time to accept this for himself if he ever does. I don't really need for him to accept it anymore because I know it is the truth.
I now have a strange acceptance of my situation. I am sorrowful, and hopeful for myself at the same time. I hope that I will be loved one day, in the way that I want to be. The way I thought I was when I got married just over 10 years ago. Maybe.
D had a session with our pastor again yesterday and then rang me to ask if we could get together for a talk. He was crying a lot and said he wants to 'lay it all out on the table and explain a lot of things'. So tonight I'm going to his place to hear what he has to say.
After I left his psych's office last week I realised that I'd been holding out (small) hope that if he kept seeing this guy, then one day he could be the man that I need to be married to. After speaking to his psych I realised that he never will be, especially whilst seeing this man for 'therapy'. My pastor asked me what would show me that he was on the road to becoming that man. My response was "I know this sounds odd, but if he took off his wedding ring I would know that he was serious". Then I would know he's realised what he's done and that he doesn't deserve a life with me because of this betrayal. But he's not ever going to be the man that I need and now I feel like I can accept that a bit better, and move on just a little bit down that road to recovery.
Enough for now.
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