After D and I separated one of the bizarre consequences was that it somehow fell to me to determine whether he was of sound mind. Was he safe for the children to be with? Was he at risk of harming himself? ....and the girls of course?
How on earth could I make that call with any objectivity?
I did believe that he was at risk of harming himself for a while and even had moments/days when I wasn't completely sure how safe the girls were with him. Would he crash the car in an attempt to take all their lives? I honestly didn't know the answer to that question.
But somehow it was my responsibility to know the answer. I was the one who, if I had concerns, was apparently supposed to alert the authorities. But who would I tell? And what would the consequences be? If I was overreacting (which was a very high likelihood given my emotional state) then D would have to live with those accusations for the rest of his life. But then if I had suspicions and did nothing and he did hurt the girls then that would be my responsibility. It was really a no-win situation.
People were looking to me to make that judgement call (people here means the professionals and lay people who were working with me and us). That's a very big responsibility for a very damaged and emotional woman to carry.
I was watching episodes of Greys Anatomy last night and there was a story line where a mother hadn't protected her daughter from an abusive father. As a consequence the daughter stood up for herself and (at the age of 6) shot her father many times. It just reminded me of the burden we have as parents to ensure (as much as possible) the safety of our children. What is 'not enough' and what is 'too much'? Who knows, but I know it was an issue that disturbed me a lot. Even now I'm not 100% certain of their safety, especially given the denial that D seems to live in. What will happen when he really understands the consequences of his actions? Will it 'tip him over the edge'? I don't know. If it does is it my repsonsibility?
There aren't any clear-cut answers to this I don't think, it's just something you have to live with when you're a parent.
3 comments:
Mmmmm....it is an enormous burden that you carry. I wish that I could alleviate that burden for you but I know that I can't. But please know that you have always been a good decision maker - even when you were with D, you made many good decisions. I know that you will make the best decision you can with the information you have if you have to. Trust yourself and your relationship with your girls - you have a wonderful relationship with them and they will talk to you. I know that God didn't tell you what D was doing, but maybe there was a reason for that, but ask God to give you discernment and wisdom cos he loves your girls too! BF xx
What she said ^^ :) And if all else fails, you've got plenty of friends' places to hide them at :P
Miss you, we should catch up sometime soon!!
Love AB
Wow ... what a burden you carry ... and you articulate it beautifully. It is completely unreasonable (in my opinion ... which let's face it, is worth a lot LOL) for anyone, including yourself to make that kind of judgement call. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't; and everybody gets to say "well, we did ask the question, so it's not our fault if it goes wrong - we've ticked the box, so we're off the hook". Wrong. You are not the final arbiter of D's sanity ... it's ridiculous to even presume that you could make that judgement. The people who are asking these questions of you have a duty of care to you and your children and need to make these decisions themselves. If they are genuinely concerned, then there are avenues that they should legally be taking ... and that doesn't include asking you for your opinion. Grrrr ... the whole thing makes me cross! (LOL ... can you tell?) Love you xx. TE
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