When most people ask me how I am I give the pat answer "I'm fine". For some people, who know about my situation, I tell them the truth and we discuss for a while the things I've been learning or understanding in a new way etc.
Then some of these people point out to me the good things that are happening, the great news that I'm growing so much as a person and I'm so much bigger a woman than I was six months ago.
The problem is, that when I have all the great, wonderful things pointed out to me, I feel as though it invalidates all the yukky stuff. It's almost as though some people can't deal with the yukky stuff, so all they can reflect back (I guess this is a part of the whole active listening thing) is the positive stuff.
I don't want to see all the great positive things cos then I guess that gives some meaning to what I'm going through. I don't want it to have meaning - and I certainly don't think I am going through all of this so that I can be a better person! I was already perfect, wasn't I?! I know I search for meaning in my experiences but I don't want other people to do that.....hmmmm.....I'm a bit confusing, aren't I.
4 comments:
I think we all like to feel like we are helping in some way. But really so often the best thing we can do is just listen. If only we could manage it better hey. We tend to feel better if we can offer an answer/direction etc....lol......so much easier to shut up and listen. Hmmmm will reflect on this.
xxx
Yup, you were already perfect :) You just keep getting perfecter and perfecter is all! :P
Shutting up now :)
xox
yep. you were perfect......
I guess it really should be about you & where you are at and that you need validating, in that it is ok for you to to be wherever you are on your journey. We, as your friends need to allow you to go on that journey and trust that you will continue moving forward... as you amazingly have been.
I agree with ecushlah, but maybe we all need to realise that it's not about us feeling better, and remember that it's all about you & letting you find your own way! Mmmm, will work on that... BF xx
Oh I hear you sister. You know what we've been through, and we've heard lots of the same stuff, "God only gives you as much as you can handle" (apparently he thinks I can handle a LOT), "special children are given to special parents" (well that's lovely, but I don't want to be special). I've even had people tell me that I was really lucky, though I can't remember specifically what for. I do remember thinking are you kidding me??? There's nothing lucky about having a profoundly disabled child.
With distance and perspective (and my daugher no longer living with me) I can certainly see that there have been some unintended benefits to the journey that we've been on, but there is almost nothing I wouldn't do to give all of that back and not have had any of the bad stuff. I'm not grateful for the suffering in order to become a better person (like you ... who says I needed to be better ... I was damn near perfect as it was!)
I imagine you'd do the same. For D to be the person you thought he was and to have the family that you deserve.
In the meantime you just count one step at a time, one breath at a time. Celebrate the times you feel good and 'hold on' for the times you feel bad. I'll always be there for you to hold on to. How could I do less? You did it for me. Love you. TE
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