A bit of healing

I have some young friends who have been married for 6 months. She is 19 and he is 23. He is a scientist - and I only mention that because in my generic stereotypes of scientists, he's not supposed to have feelings or be in touch with those feelings at all. However, he is a rather unusual young scientist. He shows an amazing level of insight in the emotional world and I'd like to share part of an email he sent me. I did ask his permission to use this in my blog, so I'm not telling tales out of school. I just cried and cried when I first read it, and each time I've re-read it I still cry. I wish so many men in this world would 'get' this.

On another note; I wanted to let you know that you are handling your current experiences with a courage and fortitude that is rare, and beautiful in its own unique way. I can’t even begin to imagine the heartache that you’ve endured, the questioning, the searching; and yet, you have remained positive, are avoiding reacting out of bitterness, and are still encouraging to others. I know it doesn’t mean much, but as a man, I would like to say I’m sorry. We are (as a gender), for whatever reason, prone to selfishness, domination, manipulation and dishonesty in the pursuit of what we think we need. We too easily seek to control other people in an effort to satisfy our lusts, and that is wrong. It is wrong for us to take for granted the love, security and commitment of our wives, and then, thinking that these things are ‘in the bag’ seek temporary satisfaction elsewhere. I obviously do not understand your circumstances or history, but as a man, I am sorry that D betrayed your trust, and that he hurt you so much. As men, it should’ve been our responsibility to come alongside D long ago as brothers, and to help him deal with his pain and avoid the choices he has made. We failed you, and for that I am sorry.

I am confident that real healing for you will come in time. I can imagine that you must be scared about how you will eventually talk about this with your daughters; about how you will one day advise them about their own choices for marriage etc. I pray that God will speak to you of the fears of your heart, that He will give you the answers you seek, that He will meet you where you need Him. A and I are always at your disposal: for babysitting, for company, for any assistance you might need (I would offer my services as a stereotypical macho Mr Fix-It, but I fear you would already outrank me :P). Jenni, you are a beautiful, friendly and compassionate woman. Don’t ever allow these experiences to diminish your perception of yourself; you deserve nothing less than the best.

So, how about that? Any dry eyes?
For me, this was very healing - to have a man (ie someone who represents the men in the world) have such an understanding of the hurt and betrayal and broken trust is just quite amazing. I do wish that D was able to say these things (with some sort of authenticity) but that may never happen. I'm very thankful for this great friend for these words.
I decided to leave in all the bits where he says how wonderful I am - I like to be reminded of that, and now you all know too, so you can remind me as well!! lol
I feel like I don't have much to 'blog' at the moment....I've had a change in my anti-depressants over the last week and a bit and have been very 'out of it' as a result.
BF also found a Yahoo group that is a support for people who have spouses/children/friends etc in my kind of situation. I'm a bit hesitant to spell it out on this blog because I don't really know who's reading it and I'll never really be sure of whether we can all be identified... anyway, this Yahoo group has been incredible and the woman who runs it (from USA) is somewhat of an angel I think, in the very truest sense. She has insight into this stuff and is helping me (and BF) with lots of the questions we have. I think I'll just run with that group for a while and see how it goes.
by the way, if any of you are interested in having a look at this group they do have a website -email me and I'll send you the url for the website. I think it could be helpful to lots of people to read through what they say. They seem to have a very balanced view.
Also, re the above excerpt I did respond and let him know that many men had tried to reach out to D unsuccessfully over the years, and that the only real truth is that D just didn't want to be helped. I don't want him (or any other men) to feel that they failed me because they didn't. I certainly feel I've had many of the men in my life support me and help me and I'm really grateful for that.
Cheers for now.