Turning 40 and new beginnings

My last post I was so distracted by inappropriate flowers that I forgot to say how great my birthday party was! It really was great, and I'm so glad I did it. It was the first time that all my sisters have been together EVER without husbands and kids (well, since my oldest sister left home and she was about 14 or something at the time) so that's about 35 years! I was a little concerned how my sisters and my friends would get along as there are some fairly strong personalities in my family, but it was just great. Everyone got along really well (a bit too well perhaps?!). It was a really relaxing time for me, and I felt very loved and affirmed. I took along my video camera and we had a kind of 'diary room' and most of the girls recorded a message for me. This was just great and I've had a good laugh (and a tear or two) watching that a couple of times. There seems to be a bit of demand for me to turn 40 again next year so we can do it again, so we'll see.
Yesterday I had a rather strange encounter. The girls have started doing a netball clinic with a local club. They're very excited about it, and may play in a summer competition with this club which is just great (quite frankly, anything that gets Princess S moving at anything beyond a walk is worth the money!). I bumped into a girl there who I knew from our CAFS group (I know it's called CYH but CAFS is much easier to say). I haven't seen this girl since Madame I was probably 18months old. Her daughter is doing the clinic as well. [an important note is that I mentioned I'd just turned 40 and she said I didn't look anywhere near 40! just a little ego-stroke] We spent a little bit of time reminiscing about the new mum's group and I was then remembering what I was like then. I had a difficult baby (she was beautiful - my sister TM called her the porcelain princess - but a horror to look after). I couldn't calm her by holding her, I couldn't get her to sleep and even rocking her in my arms I couldn't get her to sleep (all this now makes sense with the Asperger's diagnosis but at the time I had no idea). It was funny cos this friend (who actually had twins at the time, one is a boy) has since had two more children. She commented that 'we had no idea what we were doing did we?!' and she is right. I had no confidence as a mum, and added into the mix was that I think I was depressed and not treated for it for another 2 years or so, and D was at Uni and took the car so I didn't have any transport! Typically self-less of him....NOT. What a mess. When I look back at 'me' then, I feel like I'm a completely different person now. I feel like I now have a sense of who I am, I feel so much more mature and confident about myself and my place in the world.
This actually shocked me, that I'm so much more confident now. Especially considering the last year I would have expected to feel less confident if anything but I don't.
A friend at school said to me last week "turning 40 is a dangerous age for the people around you, cos you just don't give a s**t anymore". We had a good laugh at this, but it is true I think. And then combine turning 40 with leaving a 10-year marriage! Look out world, here I come!
I'm really thankful for the last year - it's actually been 10months since D and I separated. This experience has helped me grow so much, and work out who I am and what I want in life and from life. I'm not sure if I ever really want to be in another relationship. There's always the romantic notions of having someone to share your life with and someone to cuddle (and other benefits as well :-) and someone to share the bills and responsibility. But I am actually quite content most of the time on my own. I like the relationship I have with my girls and not having to share them with anyone else, and not having to be the peace-maker anymore.
So, whatever the future has I think I'm ready for it and looking forward to it. I'm facing the future with a smile on my face.