How do I go from being really happy and content, to being in the depths of despair in just 24hours?
Yesterday I had my second to last appointment with the psychologist I've been seeing. I was feeling very stable, and felt I was coping really well with everything.
Then today I start feeling depressed and stressed about my study. There is just such a huge amount of reading to do and I can't speed read so it's just so tedious. Then for one of the subjects I have to post a discussion thread every week, of about 300 words on particular issues. And doing that for 12 weeks is worth 10% of my marks for that subject! It's a huge amount of work for not very much reward. And I have to do a 1500 word essay for that subject that I don't even have time to look at cos it's taking me so long to do the reading and discussion thread each week!
Then tonight the girls went ballistic in the bathroom (as they do) even though I warned them to behave. One of them broke the shower alcove door and neither of them will own up to who did it. They both say the other one did it. I'm pretty sure Princess S did it. Madame I was extremely distressed that I didn't believe her that she didn't do it. Princess S just says I didn't do it, it was Madame I. So what am I supposed to do?! In all the yelling and blaming and me being upset, Madame I even said 'bloody' as a swear word. Now I feel like I'm the worst mother in the world. What sort of mother am I that my children can't even be honest with me?
Now, I am very aware that I have a sensitivity to lying, given the huge lie that my husband lived for 10 years of marriage to me. I understand that it has some bearing on this. But I just cannot tolerate being lied to. It's just the worst thing that you could do to me. Why does a 6 year old feel the need to lie? And why does she think it's ok? I keep saying in my head "she's just like her bloody father" and I know that's not fair. I feel so helpless, powerless. How do I get her to tell me the truth? How do I prevent things escalating so quickly to the point where no-one is going to be honest?!
So now I feel like it's all just too much. Maybe I should stop studying and just get a job cos that's easier. I feel like a failure and I don't know how I'm going to pass these units when I just struggle so much with understanding the material, and getting through all the reading.
I don't want to be a failure, but surely life needs to be a bit easier doesn't it?
I just don't know what to do.
I'm hoping that it will all look a bit brighter tomorrow.
3 comments:
Don't be so hard on youself... take a deep breath...and accept that some days are just shitty days. You probably already feel better today! :o)
Oh, and a 6 year old feels the need to lie for exactly the same reason adults feel the need to lie..... they are too afraid of the consequences of their actions, (i.e. punishment) If the punishment for breaking the shower alcove was scary, then the risk of getting caught in a lie might have seemed less scary. Maybe sit them down & say that you don't care who broke the screen (i.e. no punishment), but that honesty is much more important to you.... don't know... I'm not a psychologist :)
Don't worry, this too will pass. You sound like a great mum & one lie or one swear word does not a bad child make :)
If it makes you feel any better, Brooklyn stole from Big W the other week and I could not believe it. Even after i told her to put them back.
A HUGE smack, a MASSIVE lecture and a trip back to Big W to pay and be told mummy would be thrown in jail next time lol did the trick.
Someone told me that 6-7 is the age that lying kicks in for a season.
Gotta just hope and pray it passes quickly. (easier said than done, but try and remember that their lies have no connection whatsoever to your past - yeah , i know ....shut up lol)
Hope you have a top day tomorrow. You ARE a great mum, stop doubting yourself
xx
Hey honey! It catches you by surprise sometimes doesn't it ... one day you're feeling great and you think "I'm cured" ... life will be better now. And the next day something happens (or doesn't happen) and you're back in the pits again, thinking "I thought I was done with all of this". In my experience the good news is that as time goes by you don't stop falling into those pits, but you climb out of them a lot faster and there are less of them ... and often not a deep.
Re the lying ... you have a particular reason to be sensitive to lies which I completely understand, but I can tell you that I purely hate it when D lies ... it makes me furious and disappointed in him. But it seems to me that its in the 'Job Description' for kids ... lie to your parents, it's usually much easier than the alternative, which is tell the truth and get into a lot more trouble. It's not really surprising when you look at it in that light.
Hope the shower screen didn't cost too much to fix! TE
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